zeebra Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 An old man sits down on a park bench next to a Punk. Facinated at the Punks multi-coloured hair the old man cant help but stair. Eventually the Punk looks at the old man and says "what are you staring at? haven't you ever done something crazy in your sad life?" To which the old man replys, "Oh yes, once I **** a parrot, and was just wondering if you might be my son" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 Not sure if I've contributed to this thread or not before.. But I remember my Granddad having really bad lung problems. When he started getting really sick, my Gran would rub lard or vaseline on his back to try and help. To be honest, he went downhill pretty fast after that... First time it maybe but if you've got more like that i'd like to hear it as that was hilarious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trekka Posted April 23, 2007 VT Supporter Share Posted April 23, 2007 After having dug to a depth of 1000 feet last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 feet and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots. One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 feet in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GaztonVilla Posted April 23, 2007 Share Posted April 23, 2007 Not sure if I've contributed to this thread or not before.. But I remember my Granddad having really bad lung problems. When he started getting really sick, my Gran would rub lard or vaseline on his back to try and help. To be honest, he went downhill pretty fast after that... First time it maybe but if you've got more like that i'd like to hear it as that was hilarious I love telling it in a pub and watching the looks on peoples faces as they try to work out whether it was a joke or not... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted April 24, 2007 Moderator Share Posted April 24, 2007 Why, Why, Why Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.I.C.O. Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. The light bulb's own internal contradictions will inevitably lead to revolution. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pelle Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Yep, and why do they push the canyl once to clear it from bubbles on the same occassions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
V111A Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 Party tonight at virginia university.... free shots to all students!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trekka Posted April 24, 2007 VT Supporter Share Posted April 24, 2007 Party tonight at virginia university.... free shots to all students!! You sick fecker! I've got another one (I don't condone this "joke" but seeing as you started it!)... What's the coldest place in the USA? Virginia Tech Uni, -32. Sick sick sick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villadevon Posted April 24, 2007 Share Posted April 24, 2007 How do you get a granny to shout "word removed!"? Get another one to shout "Bingo". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Martin O Neill was reputed to be telephoning the local funeral service for a new midfielder, , as he has been advised its the only chance of getting a good Ball into the box before the end of the season....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulanddonya Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 My wife said to me tonight "I look fatr, my bums big, I've got spots and I am ugly, I need you to give me a compliment" "Ok I said, your eyesight is perfect !!!" Daaa daaaaaaaaa !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick76 Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 What do u call a dog with no hind legs an iron balls? sparky ----------------------------- So a baby seal walks into a club... ----------------------------- Did you hear that Michael Jackson is selling his amusement park? Now that it's over 15 years old, it doesn't interest him! ----------------------------- So, micky walks into a divorce lawyer and the lawyer says you can't divorce her just because she's a little crazy, he says I didn't say she was crazy I said she was **** goofey. ---------------------------- Four Irish men in a car, driving down the road and one says, "look at the cow with one eye!" The other three cover one eye and look at the cow! --------------------------- I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. *she tried to drown a fish. *she thought a quarterback was a refund. *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. *she studied for a blood test. *when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ------------------------------- so two guys walk into a bar... the third guy ducks -------------------------------- A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a beer!" and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here". ---------------------------------- did you hear about the peanut in the park ? it was a salted... ----------------------------------- why do elephants have big-ears? cus Noddy's won't pay the ransom ------------------------------------ why arent there any wallmarts in iraq because theres a target on every corner ------------------------------------ WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE PARK... TO GET TO THE OTHER SLIDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick76 Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pablopicasso Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 whats blue and shags old women? me, in my lucky blue coat.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villadevon Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and Arthur Scargill? Arthur Scargill hasn't touched a minors helmet in 30 years... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trekka Posted April 29, 2007 VT Supporter Share Posted April 29, 2007 According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse following last week's news that: - Origami Bank had folded - Sumo Bank has gone belly up - Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. - Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. - Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. - Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 10, 2007 Share Posted May 10, 2007 A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!" The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, "OK." "Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs." Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!" "Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holte-villain Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 A scientist has invented a bra that stops tits bobbing up & down & nipples sticking out in the cold. His colleagues have kicked his **** head in. ------------ A Ukrainian woman bumps into the entire Chelsea football squad in a night club. She approaches Terry and asks for his autograph. She duly drops out her left tit, which he signs. She asks Drogba for the same. She drops out her right tit. He signs it. She asks Mourino for his autograph, and drops her knickers, and shows her fanny to him. To which he said, "**** off! The last time I signed a Ukranian word removed it cost me 30 million pounds!" ------------ God appears to a man and says he'll have to quit fags drink and sex if he wants to go to heaven. A wk later god re-appears and asks him how its going. Man says the fags and drink were easy to give up but when my wife bent over to take meat out of the freezer i cudnt resist i had to give her one there and then. God says they dont like that sort of thing in heaven. man replys they dont like it in Asda either... ------------ An attractive young woman walks up 2 a bar in a rural pub. She signals 4 the barman 2 bring his face close 2 hers. "Are u the manager?" she asks, running her fingers thru his hair. "No", he replies. "Can u get him 4 me?",she asks, stroking his face and allowing 2 fingers 2 slip into his mouth so he can suck them gently. " No sorry" he replies, clearly aroused "Can i give him a message?" "Tell him there's no toilet roll or soap in the ladies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted May 11, 2007 Share Posted May 11, 2007 haha, very good - but was that last one copied from a txt mssge??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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