WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[ChrisVillan]

Tom your girlfriend should just stay in bed and switch her phone off every Thursday.

[thecraft]

A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially

buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three

wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion, surrounded

by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore

the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and notices

the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Next, there's a knock at the door, so he answers it.

Standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a

sturdy limb, and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods.

It's the two blonde genies!

One blonde genie says to the other, "I can understand the first

wish--having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

[Villadevon]

There is a Scotsman in a bar enjoying a pint of ale when he decides he needs the toilet . While he is gone a black lady walks over to his beer and farts right on top of it!. when the Scotsman returns he says to the barman " this tastes foul!" The barman says "that lady over there farted in your pint!" He steams over and says "Oi lassie! Ya fart in me Whitbread?" She replied "No Im Tessa Sanderson"

[claretman]

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian

Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his

accent. Over the Course of the evening they get chatting. At the

end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to

pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she

agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and

After showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him

Again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to

agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,

orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks

that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more

cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he tells

her.

"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I -

what street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What

number?" "Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished.

"You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams, "but I'm

from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

[aussiedave]

A bright and brash Australian,Steve Irwin was his name,

slippy slimy animals bought him wealth and fame,

some thought he was a looker, girls thought he was a dish,

he knew a lot about crocodiles,

but **** all about fish !

[villafan1985]

A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude."

He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what,are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he replies.

[LancsVillan]

Who's On First for the Next Generation

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

[LancsVillan]

[dicky_plums]

Time to bump the joke thread with this:

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions such as fear, happiness etc.

On the night of the party the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And the guy says, "I'm green with NV".

The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink".

The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street!

Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?

Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair".

[Demitri_C]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been

dating

for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one

little

thing bothering me .. it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight

miniskirts,

and generally was bra less. She would regularly bend down when she was

near

me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts.

It had

to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the

wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered

to me

that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got

married and committed my! life to her sister. Well, I was in total

shock, and

couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and

if you

want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them

down the

stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a

beeline

straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight

towards

my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all

clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't

ask

for

better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

[kingphil]

I like it ^^^

[duncandares]

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the Officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more

minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[Hiney]

why shouldn't you shag a midget with learning disabilities?

because it's not big, and it's not clever

[Grogan_Avfc]

Why has Santa got such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year

[paddy]

Sorry this is edited really badly as it came in an email, but it made me laugh anyway...

>The Fish

>

>

>A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping

>him reel it in, a sailor says

>"Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"

>"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

>Embarrassed, the sailor thinks

>quickly and blurts out,

>"Sorry father,but that's what this fish is

>called - it's a F*cker

>fish"

>Accepting the explanation, the

>priest forgives the sailor

>and takes The

>fish back to church.

>"Look at this huge f*cker" says the

>priest, spotting the

>bishop.

>"Language, please! this is God's

>house," replies the

>bishop.

>"No, no - that's what this fish is

>called, " says the

>priest.

>"Oh," says the bishop, scratching

>his chin "I could clean

>that f*cker

>And we could have it for dinner".

>So the bishop takes the fish, cleans

>it, and brings it to

>the mother

>superior.

>"Could you cook this f*cker for

>dinner tonight?" he asks

>her.

>"My, what language!" she exclaims,

>clearly shocked.

>"No, sister that's what the fish is

>called - a f*cker, "

>says the

>bishop.

>Satisfied with the explanation, the

>mother superior says,

>"wonderful,

>I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The

>Pope is coming for

>dinner!"

>The fish tastes just great and The

>Pope asks where they got

>it.

>"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says

>the priest.

>"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the

>bishop. > >

>"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the

>mother superior.

>The Pope stares at them for a minute

>with a steely glaze,

>leans back On

>his

>chair, takes off his cap, puts his

>feet up on the table,

>Pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?,

>You c*nts are

>alright."

[Guest RantinRob]

WHAT PORNO'S WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE...

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are always rock hard and ready to go.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy ****.

11. People in the 70's couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't have even the slightest problem with you jamming your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before **** the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trouser and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

31. Every guy has a penis as big as a stallion

32. All women are completely pussy shaved

33. Women really don't mind being picked up off the street and then **** in a moving van.

34. Any girl with pigtails is a teen.

35. Any other girl is a MILF.

[Condimentalist]

-i was surprised and delighted when an old girlfriend called out of the blue last week. She was a real wild child when we were together - stunning to look at and great in bed! We had sex in every position and my heart raced when she asked if we could meet up to create our best moves. I warned her that my waist line had grown and i wasn't the hunk i once was. She giggled and told me that she'd put on the odd pound or two as well. So i told her to **** off.

[BOF]

why shouldn't you shag a midget with learning disabilities?

because it's not big, and it's not clever

Funniest thing in ages. Genuinely brought a tear to the eye

[Gizmo]

Funniest thing I heard in ages was Tony Butler reading out a text message from Isaac Hunt on his show the other night.

(I'm easily amused)

[villab0y]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish - 49

Adventurous - Slept with everyone

Athletic - No t*ts

Average looking - Ugly

Beautiful - Pathological liar

Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure - On medication

Feminist - Fat

Free spirit - Junkie

Friendship first - Former very friendly person

Fun - Annoying

New Age - Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded - Desperate

Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate - Sloppy drunk

Professional - B1tch

Voluptuous - Very Fat

Large frame - Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate - Stalker

A WOMAN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think

about?

MEN'S ENGLISH :

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = let's have s*x now

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have s*x with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have s*x with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have s*x with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have s*x with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.