villafan1985

Inspired by another topic and stolen from Sickipedia........ A lot of blokes have nicknames for their penises and I was recently given a nickname for mine. It was by a woman while she was giving me a blowjob. She named it the Impaler, at least that's what I thought. Turns out she was asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth." So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!" "Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24." "**** me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."

I've got £5 on Whittingham and £5 on Utaka for 1st goalscorer. C'Mon.

On the news the other day I watched shoppers in Zimbabwe taking huge wheelbarrows of cash down to the shops with them. Well thats the last **** time i'm donating anything to Oxfam

I'm still convinced that Lazenby is very underrated as Bond. I've got the Bond boxset. (Dr. No through to the worst Bond ever Die Another Day). On Her Majestys Secret Service is very close to the Flemming books. It's got the best theme song to a Bond film, and some of the most stunning locations. Roger Moore on the other hand started well but outstayed his welcome. Same with Brosnan, no excuse for Die Another Day !

"He's big, He's black His brother deals in crack (allegedly) Zat Knight, Zat Knight"

To be fair a seated piss is better than a standing shit.

A man, sitting next to a woman on a jet, suddenly sneezes. Unexpectedly, he unzips his pants and wipes the end of his penis off with his handkerchief. He then zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw. Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The woman says, "Excuse me sir, but that is disgusting and rude." He says, "I am so sorry that I have offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze." The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says, with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what,are you taking for it?" "Pepper," he replies.

My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a shell on her inside thigh, You used to be able to put your ear next to it and smell the sea.

Bird Flu has reached Florida They've had to cull Donald Duck.

The Pope has a very rare disease and the top doctors have a cure, but for it to work the pope has to have protected sex. Obviously he is upset about this as his whole religion and life work is against this. anyway he gathers his advisors and tells the that he's willing to do it on four conditions. 'First she must be blind, there is no way that she can see who I am or else Christianity will crumble, and God will be very angry.' 'Second she must be deaf, just in case she hears my name or recognises my voice, she would be able to tell everyone and the press would have a field day I can not take that chance.' 'Thirdly she must be dumb, so that even if somehow she does find out that it is me she will be unable to tell anyone, and my reputation will be intact.' 'Finally she must have really big tits'

yeah I first heard it with Arsenal and Tottenham

Two boys were playing football in Birmingham when one of the boys was attacked by a huge Rottweiler. Thinking quickly the other boy ripped a plank of wood from a fence, forced it into the dogs collar twisted it round and breaks the dogs neck. A local newspaper reporter who witnessed the event rushed over to the two boys, took out his notepad and started writing, "Villa fan saves friend from vicious animal." "But i don't support Villa" said the small hero. The reporter crosses out his last headline and starts again. "Brave Wolves fan saves friend from horrific attack" "I'm not a Dingle fan either" says the young lad. "Well who do you support then?" asks the reporter. "birmingham city" replies the boy. the reporter starts writing again. "Bluenose bastard kills family pet"