Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[CarewsEyebrowDesigner]

Film the confrontation and post it on Facebook.

[Eames]

Wow Eames, even your dad is an asshole!

 

(ref your sig)

 

(I'm so sorry if that has upset you)

 

(no really, I am)

 

(sorry donnie)

 

(I'm not actually sorry donnie )

 

(sorry donnie)

1st proper LOL in days. 

[rjw63]

DHUTWU

[HanoiVillan]

It's obvious your sister thinks your mum is cheating, but what do you think? 

[HanoiVillan]

But aren't you on a break? You guys broke up after 12 years together. She goes off and shags someone else. Yeah then she denies it, and who knows what to think of that, probably better if she had just been honest, or maybe she isn't shagging him. Well anyway, 12 years is a long time. And you have children. I'm guessing you're youngish. 12 year long relationships, since you were young yourselves, maybe she felt like she wants to have a break for a bit, maybe shag some other blokes, have you shag some other girls and then see if you still want to be together. Not great with children in the picture, but sometimes girls are awful. And men are worse. Chances are it's over, in which case you need to take some time - like a lot of time - to get over it all. But if it isn't over and she does come back to you saying that all other men are awful and she realises now, then I don't think you should use advice you got on VillaTalk to make your decision on whether or not to take her back.

 

If all of that were true, then she should have been honest. Maybe they did get together when they were young. Maybe she did just want some different sexual experiences, mess around for a bit, and then see what's what. But if that's true, then she should have been honest with him. There were sexual possibilities she could have suggested instead, like three-ways or swinging. There was an open and honest relationship option, of saying 'I just want us to take a year to date other people, have some experiences and then see if we still love each other'. She didn't choose those options, she buggered off, took the kids with her, and started shagging a guy from work. Honestly, she's almost certainly never going back, and even if she does, she **** up majorly, I personally would have a hard time forgiving that lack of honesty. 

Edited August 29, 2015 by HanoiVillan

[dont_do_it_doug.]

Has she had any therapy for her social anxiety simon?

She was on sertraline for a bit, which didnt make a difference and tried hypnosis once a long time ago (perhaps this made it worse now you mention it!?). But no actual 1 to 1 conselling.

Perhaps I could suggest this to her? But's its still a tough conversation to have without a big argument and tears etc.

I'm a couple of months late to this but what are a few tears and an argument when you are talking about pissing away a 14 year relationship via email?

Life is too short. Shit or get off the damn pot and let someone else have a go

Edited August 31, 2015 by dont_do_it_doug.

[hippo]

 

Has she had any therapy for her social anxiety simon?

She was on sertraline for a bit, which didnt make a difference and tried hypnosis once a long time ago (perhaps this made it worse now you mention it!?). But no actual 1 to 1 conselling.

 

Perhaps I could suggest this to her? But's its still a tough conversation to have without a big argument and tears etc.

I'm a couple of months late to this but what are a few tears and an argument when you are talking about pissing away a 14 year relationship via email?

 

Life is too short. Shit or get off the damn pot and let someone else have a go

Im even later.

Get professional counselling - IME its your only hope. - If she won't go I would take that as another sign she isn't committed - yes its a painful process but after whats go on she should be willing to take some pain.

.....an update would be good  

 

 

 

[Rugeley Villa]

 

Has she had any therapy for her social anxiety simon?

She was on sertraline for a bit, which didnt make a difference and tried hypnosis once a long time ago (perhaps this made it worse now you mention it!?). But no actual 1 to 1 conselling.

 

Perhaps I could suggest this to her? But's its still a tough conversation to have without a big argument and tears etc.

I'm a couple of months late to this but what are a few tears and an argument when you are talking about pissing away a 14 year relationship via email?

 

Life is too short. Shit or get off the damn pot and let someone else have a go

Im even later.

Get professional counselling - IME its your only hope. - If she won't go I would take that as another sign she isn't committed - yes its a painful process but after whats go on she should be willing to take some pain.

.....an update would be good  

 

 

 

been there and done that, load of bullshit imo as i just got the feeling they were only interested in my money. also i just dont like the idea of airing your dirty laundry to some stranger.

[Jon]

 

Has she had any therapy for her social anxiety simon?

She was on sertraline for a bit, which didnt make a difference and tried hypnosis once a long time ago (perhaps this made it worse now you mention it!?). But no actual 1 to 1 conselling.

 

Perhaps I could suggest this to her? But's its still a tough conversation to have without a big argument and tears etc.

I'm a couple of months late to this but what are a few tears and an argument when you are talking about pissing away a 14 year relationship via email?

 

Life is too short. Shit or get off the damn pot and let someone else have a go

Im even later.

Get professional counselling - IME its your only hope. - If she won't go I would take that as another sign she isn't committed - yes its a painful process but after whats go on she should be willing to take some pain.

.....an update would be good  

 

 

 

been there and done that, load of bullshit imo as i just got the feeling they were only interested in my money. also i just dont like the idea of airing your dirty laundry to some stranger.

Yes, I think it's much better to bottle it all up over years, and then let it out in one explosive burst of murderous rage. Just who the **** do these strangers think they are!?

[MakemineVanilla]

 

Has she had any therapy for her social anxiety simon?

She was on sertraline for a bit, which didnt make a difference and tried hypnosis once a long time ago (perhaps this made it worse now you mention it!?). But no actual 1 to 1 conselling.

 

Perhaps I could suggest this to her? But's its still a tough conversation to have without a big argument and tears etc.

I'm a couple of months late to this but what are a few tears and an argument when you are talking about pissing away a 14 year relationship via email?

 

Life is too short. Shit or get off the damn pot and let someone else have a go

Im even later.

Get professional counselling - IME its your only hope. - If she won't go I would take that as another sign she isn't committed - yes its a painful process but after whats go on she should be willing to take some pain.

.....an update would be good  

 

 

 

been there and done that, load of bullshit imo as i just got the feeling they were only interested in my money. also i just dont like the idea of airing your dirty laundry to some stranger.

Yes, I think it's much better to bottle it all up over years, and then let it out in one explosive burst of murderous rage. Just who the **** do these strangers think they are!?

I think that is rather harsh and unhelpful.

Counsellors are trained to appear to be empathic and pretend they are listening but it doesn't mean they are.

The counsellors I have known personally do tend to share what they learn which is not what you want, especially if you live in a small community.

The profession is dominated by women who do tend to see things exclusively the woman's way.

So if someone has had a bad experience with counselling, I would take them at their word.  

Edited September 17, 2015 by MakemineVanilla

[HanoiVillan]

I've only had one counsellor - and that was a man, so they do exist - and it helped enormously. Of course Simon - if he's even still reading this topic, or even still has this problem! - needs to consider whether he would be prepared to discuss things with a counsellor, it does involve sharing intimate facts. However, it is a real profession and it's not just an attempt to mug men off for their money, I don't think characterising it that way is very helpful. 

Edited September 17, 2015 by HanoiVillan

[MakemineVanilla]

I've only had one counsellor - and that was a man, so they do exist - and it helped enormously. Of course Simon - if he's even still reading this topic, or even still has this problem! - needs to consider whether he would be prepared to discuss things with a counsellor, it does involve sharing intimate facts. However, it is a real profession and it's not just an attempt to mug men off for their money, I don't think characterising it that way is very helpful. 

But if that is Ruge's experience, shouldn't we avoid questioning his feelings?

[HanoiVillan]

Rugeley Villa didn't say that it was just his experience, but yours may differ, he suggested the entire idea was pointless, and a waste of money:

been there and done that, load of bullshit imo as i just got the feeling they were only interested in my money

I don't think that's helpful. I'm sure there are some counsellors who are worse than others, and vice versa, but I don't think it's responsible to tell somebody who is in a difficult situation that all they can expect is a 'load of bullshit' if they turn for professional help. Counselling has of course saved thousands of relationships, it may be exactly what Simon needs (or anyone else reading needs, for that matter). Yes, of course people should go in with their eyes open, but the option shouldn't be dismissed out of hand. 

[MakemineVanilla]

Rugeley Villa didn't say that it was just his experience, but yours may differ, he suggested the entire idea was pointless, and a waste of money:

been there and done that, load of bullshit imo as i just got the feeling they were only interested in my money

I don't think that's helpful. I'm sure there are some counsellors who are worse than others, and vice versa, but I don't think it's responsible to tell somebody who is in a difficult situation that all they can expect is a 'load of bullshit' if they turn for professional help. Counselling has of course saved thousands of relationships, it may be exactly what Simon needs (or anyone else reading needs, for that matter). Yes, of course people should go in with their eyes open, but the option shouldn't be dismissed out of hand. 

But he tried it, didn't like it and thought they were mercenary.

I am sure his own conclusion will carry more weight than anyone's opinion, especially mine, or even yours.

 

 

 

 

[Jon]

Rugeley Villa didn't say that it was just his experience, but yours may differ, he suggested the entire idea was pointless, and a waste of money:

been there and done that, load of bullshit imo as i just got the feeling they were only interested in my money

I don't think that's helpful. I'm sure there are some counsellors who are worse than others, and vice versa, but I don't think it's responsible to tell somebody who is in a difficult situation that all they can expect is a 'load of bullshit' if they turn for professional help. Counselling has of course saved thousands of relationships, it may be exactly what Simon needs (or anyone else reading needs, for that matter). Yes, of course people should go in with their eyes open, but the option shouldn't be dismissed out of hand.

Indeed Hanoi. One could both surmise and extrapolate that Ruge himself may have in fact benefited from a more prolonged spell of counselling, given the varied and continued exploits we often read about on these very pages.

[HanoiVillan]

Rugeley Villa didn't say that it was just his experience, but yours may differ, he suggested the entire idea was pointless, and a waste of money:

been there and done that, load of bullshit imo as i just got the feeling they were only interested in my money

I don't think that's helpful. I'm sure there are some counsellors who are worse than others, and vice versa, but I don't think it's responsible to tell somebody who is in a difficult situation that all they can expect is a 'load of bullshit' if they turn for professional help. Counselling has of course saved thousands of relationships, it may be exactly what Simon needs (or anyone else reading needs, for that matter). Yes, of course people should go in with their eyes open, but the option shouldn't be dismissed out of hand. 

 

But he tried it, didn't like it and thought they were mercenary.

I am sure his own conclusion will carry more weight than anyone's opinion, especially mine, or even yours.

 

 

 

 

I feel that we're talking at crossed purposes. Of course I'm not trying to deny the validity of Rugeley's own experiences. It's his life. What I am trying to say is that his experience may not be representative, and that when we're talking about people in situations where they need help and advice because they're having real difficulties, it's not a good idea to just dismiss one of the few real avenues of support that exists by saying it's a 'load of bullshit', without admitting that those experiences might not be representative. 

[MakemineVanilla]

Rugeley Villa didn't say that it was just his experience, but yours may differ, he suggested the entire idea was pointless, and a waste of money:

been there and done that, load of bullshit imo as i just got the feeling they were only interested in my money

I don't think that's helpful. I'm sure there are some counsellors who are worse than others, and vice versa, but I don't think it's responsible to tell somebody who is in a difficult situation that all they can expect is a 'load of bullshit' if they turn for professional help. Counselling has of course saved thousands of relationships, it may be exactly what Simon needs (or anyone else reading needs, for that matter). Yes, of course people should go in with their eyes open, but the option shouldn't be dismissed out of hand. 

 

But he tried it, didn't like it and thought they were mercenary.

I am sure his own conclusion will carry more weight than anyone's opinion, especially mine, or even yours.

 

 

 

 

I feel that we're talking at crossed purposes. Of course I'm not trying to deny the validity of Rugeley's own experiences. It's his life. What I am trying to say is that his experience may not be representative, and that when we're talking about people in situations where they need help and advice because they're having real difficulties, it's not a good idea to just dismiss one of the few real avenues of support that exists by saying it's a 'load of bullshit', without admitting that those experiences might not be representative. 

Of course, what I would say, is that instead of disagreeing me, you should endeavour to explain how counselling actually works and point out his misconceptions regarding the role of the counsellor, in the process of the change which the counselling is endeavouring to facilitate.

 

 

  

[HanoiVillan]

I'm not a counsellor so I'm not really in any position to speak with authority, which is why all I have said is that I had the opposite experience to Rugeley Villa. 

To give brief summary of the situation, I had a problem. I was referred to Relate. They gave me an overall assessment of the situation, and assigned me a counsellor. I met him once a week, by myself at first, and eventually together with my girlfriend. I can't remember the exact cost, as it was more than three years ago, but I remember it didn't feel like a rip-off at all. My counsellor was an expert in the area of my issue, was personable and friendly, gave me (and my girlfriend as well) loads of practical advice, and never once offered any negative judgements. 

Three years later, the girlfriend and I are still together and I don't have the problem any more. 

[Rugeley Villa]

 in my experience regarding relationship issues and one or two other issues its not worked for me and yes during the relationship counselling i did feel it was all about the money after a couple of comments she made, also ive felt like ive been spoken to like a kid during some sessions. either way its not for me and also not for everyone.

Edited September 17, 2015 by Rugeley Villa

[Rugeley Villa]

 

Has she had any therapy for her social anxiety simon?

She was on sertraline for a bit, which didnt make a difference and tried hypnosis once a long time ago (perhaps this made it worse now you mention it!?). But no actual 1 to 1 conselling.

 

Perhaps I could suggest this to her? But's its still a tough conversation to have without a big argument and tears etc.

I'm a couple of months late to this but what are a few tears and an argument when you are talking about pissing away a 14 year relationship via email?

 

Life is too short. Shit or get off the damn pot and let someone else have a go

Im even later.

Get professional counselling - IME its your only hope. - If she won't go I would take that as another sign she isn't committed - yes its a painful process but after whats go on she should be willing to take some pain.

.....an update would be good  

 

 

 

been there and done that, load of bullshit imo as i just got the feeling they were only interested in my money. also i just dont like the idea of airing your dirty laundry to some stranger.

Yes, I think it's much better to bottle it all up over years, and then let it out in one explosive burst of murderous rage. Just who the **** do these strangers think they are!?

there are other ways of doing things instead of bottling them up or having counselling, not everyone goes in a murderous rage.