villahero Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 A man goes to bed and reaches over to his wife. He starts to slide his hand slowly across her shoulders then down her side just glancing her breasts, then carries on down her sides and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down the inner side of her thighs. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife gasps " why have you stopped ? "...He replies " I've found the remote...**** off back to sleep you fat bitch " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bickster Posted December 7, 2009 Moderator Share Posted December 7, 2009 I used to go out with a girl who suffered from Eczema She had cracking tits Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 A dwarf couple had time off from the circus to go to the maternity unit for their baby scan. The midwife asked " what are you hoping for ? "..." they reply " we don't care....as long as it fits in the cannon " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 A man goes to bed and reaches over to his wife. He starts to slide his hand slowly across her shoulders then down her side just glancing her breasts, then carries on down her sides and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down the inner side of her thighs. He moves back towards the top and stops. His wife gasps " why have you stopped ? "...He replies " I've found the remote...**** off back to sleep you fat bitch " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jondaken Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 What's the difference between a Celtic fan and E.T.? E.T. got the freaking message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarewsEyebrowDesigner Posted December 7, 2009 Share Posted December 7, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 I just put in a planning application for a new house. It was going to be 100 feet tall and 400 ft wide with nine turrets at various heights and windows all over the place, and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green. The city council told me to '**** Off'. So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque. Building starts next Monday Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
usvilla Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 ^^ very good Rob ^^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncandares Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Paddys wife says "I want a rape alarm" So next morning he covers her mouth, holds her down, f*cks her up the arse and whispers "Its time to get up love !" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 8, 2009 Share Posted December 8, 2009 Paddys wife says "I want a rape alarm" So next morning he covers her mouth, holds her down, f*cks her up the arse and whispers "Its time to get up love !" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A paedophile. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saturdaygig Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 I used to have a pet barn owl, ages ago but I bumped into him today for the first time in ages. I said 'how are you doing' he said 'fine I just got engaged actually'. I said 'you twit, to who' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 That was pretty cheesy, gig. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the Course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and After showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him Again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia. - "Melbourne", he tells her. "So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what street?" "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering. "What number?" "Number 20", he replies. She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this........", she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you" Worth bringing back from October 2006. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Hope this hasn`t been done already.... A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said 'OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see.Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God,Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?" Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, " Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse ." Funniest thing I've heard in ages. Brought a tear to the eye. I love it. Very much worth bumping... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Hope this hasn`t been done already.... A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical expertise with the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said 'OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see.Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God,Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?" Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, " Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse ." Funniest thing I've heard in ages. Brought a tear to the eye. I love it. Very much worth bumping... Never heard/read that before, it's brilliant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted December 11, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted December 11, 2009 Just bought a fantastic game for my PS3. It's about a black guy who drives around shagging whores, uses violence with metal bars, crashes cars and evades the police. It's called Tiger Woods PGA Tour 09. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
usvilla Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 i was talking to a very atractive young woman last night & and she asked me if liked legs or breasts ? i said actually i prefer a nicely trimmed snatch ! Im not allowed in Kentucky Fried Chicken anymore ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted December 11, 2009 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Went to the doctors the other day, it turns out he reckons I'm paranoid. He didn't say it but I know what the bastard was thinking.... (Again credit goes to another VT member who doesn't post much) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted December 19, 2009 Moderator Share Posted December 19, 2009 Person 1: Knock knock. Person 2: Who's there? Person 1: Control freak. Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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