Irreverentad's Relationship Advice Thread

[Rolta]

On 13/12/2023 at 19:07, chrisvilla4 said:

Late to the party offering any advice maybe,  but I think it wise to try and separate the words and the actions. Almost like the difference between your head and your heart. Saying 'I love you' carries some weight when said, but do the actions match up, are they showing you they love you etc. 

Break ups are never easy and carry some emotional ties. Best of luck.

Her actions stun me to this day. Mainly the brutal about turn. I'm left dumbfounded multiple times a day. This is why something else going on in her head, drawn from her upbringing or whatever, seems the only thing that makes sense. It's like the person I knew had a mind swap with someone else.

On 13/12/2023 at 17:32, Vancvillan said:

Three months later she called me and said she'd made a mistake and wanted to know if she could come back out to see me. I told her I'd moved on and met someone else. That someone else is now my wife, we have two kids and this year celebrated our 20 year anniversary.

I had a lot of questions for my ex that didn't get answered during those dark months, and it took a while to realise I'd never get them.

Fast forward to now and I hadn't thought about that situation in years until reading your post.

Not saying yours will play out the same, but accept you won't get the answers you deserve and move on with your life. Maybe she'll come back and maybe she won't, but waiting will just block other chances to do other things.and be happy sooner.

This was interesting to read Vancvillan. You can be my inspiration! (Also that's terrible that your ex got with your friend).

Edited December 15, 2023 by Rolta

[T-Dog]

So - was a frequent poster a long long time ago, many of you I've met in person, and many of you will know who this is by the name alone I think. (Happy to be not publicly declared, not gonna lie)

I actually came back to VT to flick thru this thread for some answers and inspiration.

At the start of this year, I met the girl of my dreams. I've had some amazing relationships in the past, I had the house, the dog, everything, but we split on very good terms because she wanted babies and I didn't. I've had some shit ones too, but I know my way around the world of being with someone.

This girl waltzed into my life - every single thing about her was what I'd always dreamed of, the fact that she was beautiful was just an added bonus. She was hilarious, she was wild, she was funny, I've never met a girl like her in my life - first date, best date I've ever had, and you know what, it ended up as an argument at 5am on a Monday morning and her stropping off home. 

She'd had a history of abusive relationships, including some of the most traumatic experiences any young lady could have had (I won't post details, but you can very much imagine) and consequently carried herself behind a very strong front, that could, at times, flip into a very aggressive, very dangerous person, not just to me, but to anyone around her.

Well. after a good few months together, a few problems around respect when she'd been drinking (and using gear, on occasion), we needed to have a chat about things. We went away, it was a make or break breakaway. She got absolutely tanked on the way there, and I mean mullered, and continued to do so all evening.

Well, enough was enough, I ended the relationship with her and thought that was that. I went and stopped in a different hotel.

The next 24 hours, we were still away but spent the day apart, separate sides of the city. She text trying to make peace, then she text, pretty much every 5 minutes, constantly goading, constantly looking for a fight, to the point where I blocked her on WhatsApp. She eventually said she was going home on the train in the afternoon. 

I went back to the original hotel, back to the room and she was still there - I'm a very very placid man, but we had the mother of all arguments, at which point, she punched me in the face. A bit shell shocked, I didn't really know what to do, and she punched me again. I've gone to leave the hotel room and she's jumped on me and repeatedly tried to punch me so I had to literally prize her off me. I've gone down to the hotel lobby, she's followed, constantly pushing, trying to hit me again, calling me every other name under the sun.

Some absolute white knight knucklehead in the lobby saw what was going on, and decided to get involved, while the hotel manager refused to do anything about getting her out the hotel room, even though it was booked in my name, my name only, and using my card. She's screamed that I've pushed her (I put my arm out to stop her from hitting me again) so this knucklehead had come over and got involved. I told him it wasn't his business, told his mate to sit down and then wallop, he's punched me, and again and again. 

The police turned up. I was arrested. No one else. Just me. The bloke that hit me, nothing. The Mrs, nothing. I went to the station thinking "ok, they obviously think that me and him have had a fight and we're both nicked". Nope, the Mrs had told the OB that I'd assaulted her. I was under arrest for assault. I was then told that I was arrested for three other offences, which I won't detail, but 2 are absolutely ludicrous. 

So, currently on bail - cannot contact the Mrs, cannot visit her home town. She's allowed to text me, phone me, come to my gigs, but I can't do a **** thing. 

6 weeks into my bail - she texts me. I can't reply. She keeps texting me. I still can't reply. This has continued every single day since. One day, she sent close to 100 messages. Nearly all positive, nearly all nice. Photo's of her lad, updates on her life, genuine nice updates. 

One night she texts me at 2.30am talking about suicide. This thread carries on until 7.30am when she sends me a photo of her by a quite notorious suicide area by where she lives. Now, I know she lost two very good mates through suicide, so this wasn't something she'd **** about with. If I text her back, I get locked up. What the **** do you do in that situation? 

I'll be honest - I've had to speak to a professional about all this shit because I just don't know what to do any more. I've seen the vulnerable side of her, I've seen the mother to her young lad, and that woman is a strong, beautiful, ambitious woman. That woman can do any thing and every thing she wants in life - and we've spoken about it, we've made plans. But the other side, the side that was abused, sexually assualted, and everything else, that's what comes out when she's had a beer, and all that anger, all that pain, that she has towards everyone that's done that to her, gets taken out on me. I'm not an expert on trauma, I couldn't even begin to think about the situations she's been in. She's still very young and most of her adult life has been tarnished by the most traumatic things any one could go through. There's not a single bone in my body that doesn't want to help her, that doesn't want to try and get her through all this shit. but in doing that, somehow, I've ended up on bail and could lose quite a lot in life, because she reacted badly to the relationship ending.

Honestly, it's **** up. It's sent me on a spiral. I've never known a girl like her, but then again, I've never known a girl like her. 

[T-Dog]

To follow, rereading that, it might come across like I'm a simp for this girl - Not at all, I'm long in the tooth and, er, well established round town, I'm also very happy being single and have been for a long time, none of these feelings are through fear, she is literally the girl I've dreamt about my whole life.

[Xela]

Awful situation @T-Dog and I feel for you. I'd inform your legal counsel that she is bombarding you with messages, so it is recored. After that is done, change your number. An inconvenience but got to be better than being bombarded with messages. 

Finally, keep ignoring her and have no contact. She's made up false allegations about you. Thats what she is capable of. What next? Could get a lot worse with false allegations. Its no shame to walk away, some people need professional help. 

[tinker]

36 minutes ago, T-Dog said:

To follow, rereading that, it might come across like I'm a simp for this girl - Not at all, I'm long in the tooth and, er, well established round town, I'm also very happy being single and have been for a long time, none of these feelings are through fear, she is literally the girl I've dreamt about my whole life.

You can't help her, she needs professional help and she needs to realise that herself as well, talking her into it won't work.

PS Stay away from her.

Edited December 15, 2023 by tinker

[T-Dog]

@Xela - There's not a single part of my head that doesn't agree with everything you've said. Everything. 

You know the issue? I've never, ever, met a girl like her. Ever. 

I had the dream life with a beautiful woman, literally the woman I thought I'd marry, and it didn't come close to this one. 

Honestly, I feel sorry for her, I love her, I can see the shit she's gone through, and maybe I tried to fix that and realisation that you can't do that for someone you really care about sometimes is a very difficult ride.

But then - she's also put me in a position where I could lose everything too. 

I've met three women in my life where I could safely say, these are the ones for the rest of my life. One, a best mate for 20 years, married, happy, we're very good mates. One, the ex ex Mrs, had everything, she wanted babies, I didn't. the right decision. And now this one. 

[T-Dog]

5 minutes ago, tinker said:

You can't help her, she needs professional help and she needs to realise that herself as well, talking her into it won't work.

PS Stay away from her.

Not the first to say this, particularly the 'talking her into it' thing. 

Literally, breaks my heart for the girl. She deserves so much more.

[villan-scott]

The whole situation sounds horrendous for you. You mention her trauma and past relationship issues being a contributing factor to this scenario. As an outsider my first thought is how true are these past issues when what she has accused you of is completely false?

Sorry if I’m wide of the mark and there is evidence to back up her claims on the history she’s had - but my mind first thought if she could do it to you and make these false accusations what’s to stop her fabricating her past issues?

I know it’s easier said than done - but I’d be attempting to stay away from her and hopefully justice prevails for you. 

[T-Dog]

21 minutes ago, villan-scott said:

The whole situation sounds horrendous for you. You mention her trauma and past relationship issues being a contributing factor to this scenario. As an outsider my first thought is how true are these past issues when what she has accused you of is completely false?

Sorry if I’m wide of the mark and there is evidence to back up her claims on the history she’s had - but my mind first thought if she could do it to you and make these false accusations what’s to stop her fabricating her past issues?

I know it’s easier said than done - but I’d be attempting to stay away from her and hopefully justice prevails for you. 

Now, interesting you ask this.

100% there was quite significant family trauma, mom cheating on dad, dad basically giving his life up to support mom, including working so hard on heart problems that he could die at any minute to support their life. Mom - a vile vile woman, shallow, money obsessed, nothing good to say about anyone. Dad - a well grounded fella with a good heart.

I know, for certain, there was history where she run away with someone in a position of power when she was very young (17-19) - That is fact, there was a police hunt for her. That's the level we're talking about.

I also understand, and no facts, but no reason to disbelieve, that she was groomed by someone the family knew when she was 15/16. There's reason to believe that, without actual evidence, based on conversations with her dad and 'an incident' that happened.

I know she did some sex work in in the past, including dancing and only fans stuff with her ex fella, usually to pay for a very powdery lifestyle - I have no problem with that, but she mentioned there was a very significant incident in one of the dancing clubs one night which I couldn't even fathom. Genuinely, I don't see why she would lie about that, and I remember the conversation, that was a girl who's soul was destroyed at that moment.

There's a couple more bits, happened prior to us being together, that I think, and would say almost certain, did happen. And it's rank to think about it. It really is. She didn't deserve any of that.

BUT, and this is a HUGE but - And, shoot me down here, I feel like a word removed for even questioning it, I think any woman can do whatever they want with themselves and their body is their business, no argument. While we were together, she started a new job for a local business man. Without giving full details, he assaulted her on her first shift, very nasty dirty assault. She told me this a few weeks later, when she was off her clacker on gear. I offered every inch of support to her, and it turned into an argument. This fella, was mates with the family. This fella, had history. This fella, she'd even told me BEFORE she went to work for him, had a reputation as a 'creeper'. Ok, I wasn't there, I don't know if that did or didn't happen, and I trust her word, I genuinely don't believe she'd lie about that. BUT, two months after, I found out she was still in contact with him through FB, and hadn't told her mom nor her sisters when they all do similar (service) work in the same small town. I'm not going to even begin to pretend I can imagine what that situation feels like for a young woman, not even close, but without that understanding, I also don't understand why she'd still have a connection with him, nor why she wouldn't inform her family at what he'd done.

I'm not saying she's lying, I'm not saying it didn't happen, I think it probably did, but the response after the incident, for someone who's had previous experience of similar, it didn't make sense to me, and I'm 100% comfortable with that being my ignorance.

[KentVillan]

People can fix themselves while they’re in relationships, but @T-Dogthis sounds like 100% one of those situations where the fixing needs to be done outside a relationship. You’re putting your own safety and mental health at risk here, and you need to remind yourself that “the one” doesn’t exist, and someone else you will like this much exists somewhere in the world and will NOT accuse you of domestic violence and whatever else.

I’d def recommend getting therapy if you can. Not because I think you’re being crazy or anything but because this is heavy stuff you’re dealing with and you need to talk to a professional, not a bunch of randos on a football forum, however bright and well intentioned and good looking we all are.

[Vancvillan]

Internet randos commenting on one side of a relationship can't say much with any certainty but my opinion:

1. @KentVillan above is right

2. She's not the woman of your dreams, right now she's two or three personalities and you don't know which one is the real her

3. She's nowhere near rock bottom yet but that's likely where she needs to be before she looks for proper help. There will be a lot of collateral damage along the way, and you're in the firing line being close to her.

4. Assuming she gets help and goes through a long process of healing and working on herself, she'll be a different person at the other end. You can't just "take the bad bits out" and be left with all the positives.

[villan-scott]

7 hours ago, T-Dog said:

Now, interesting you ask this.

100% there was quite significant family trauma, mom cheating on dad, dad basically giving his life up to support mom, including working so hard on heart problems that he could die at any minute to support their life. Mom - a vile vile woman, shallow, money obsessed, nothing good to say about anyone. Dad - a well grounded fella with a good heart.

I know, for certain, there was history where she run away with someone in a position of power when she was very young (17-19) - That is fact, there was a police hunt for her. That's the level we're talking about.

I also understand, and no facts, but no reason to disbelieve, that she was groomed by someone the family knew when she was 15/16. There's reason to believe that, without actual evidence, based on conversations with her dad and 'an incident' that happened.

I know she did some sex work in in the past, including dancing and only fans stuff with her ex fella, usually to pay for a very powdery lifestyle - I have no problem with that, but she mentioned there was a very significant incident in one of the dancing clubs one night which I couldn't even fathom. Genuinely, I don't see why she would lie about that, and I remember the conversation, that was a girl who's soul was destroyed at that moment.

There's a couple more bits, happened prior to us being together, that I think, and would say almost certain, did happen. And it's rank to think about it. It really is. She didn't deserve any of that.

BUT, and this is a HUGE but - And, shoot me down here, I feel like a word removed for even questioning it, I think any woman can do whatever they want with themselves and their body is their business, no argument. While we were together, she started a new job for a local business man. Without giving full details, he assaulted her on her first shift, very nasty dirty assault. She told me this a few weeks later, when she was off her clacker on gear. I offered every inch of support to her, and it turned into an argument. This fella, was mates with the family. This fella, had history. This fella, she'd even told me BEFORE she went to work for him, had a reputation as a 'creeper'. Ok, I wasn't there, I don't know if that did or didn't happen, and I trust her word, I genuinely don't believe she'd lie about that. BUT, two months after, I found out she was still in contact with him through FB, and hadn't told her mom nor her sisters when they all do similar (service) work in the same small town. I'm not going to even begin to pretend I can imagine what that situation feels like for a young woman, not even close, but without that understanding, I also don't understand why she'd still have a connection with him, nor why she wouldn't inform her family at what he'd done.

I'm not saying she's lying, I'm not saying it didn't happen, I think it probably did, but the response after the incident, for someone who's had previous experience of similar, it didn't make sense to me, and I'm 100% comfortable with that being my ignorance.

Thanks for the context - in your position I guess you’d never really truly know or understand the full detail, or that you’d even want to. It sounds like she had a lot to work through, it’s admirable that you want to support her and help if you can, but the potentially irreparable damage she’s done to you in many ways would make me very wary. 

[Genie]

So she’s an aggressive, heavy drinking, drug taking woman with a history of a variety of traumas. Shes done sex work with her ex to pay for more drugs and has also not only attacked you, lied to get you arrested and beaten up by a stranger (amongst other things).

I do not see how the “woman of your dreams” fits in unless you have some very messed up dreams.

 Get the **** outta there @T-Dog and don’t ever look back.

Edited December 16, 2023 by Genie

[Jon]

52 minutes ago, Genie said:

So she’s an aggressive, heavy drinking, drug taking woman with a history of a variety of traumas. Shes done sex work with her ex to pay for more drugs and has also not only attacked you, lied to get you arrested and beaten up by a stranger (amongst other things).

I do not see how the “woman of your dreams” fits in unless you have some very messed up dreams.

 Get the **** outta there @T-Dog and don’t ever look back.

Is the correct answer. 

[Xela]

She'll destroy you @T-Dog if you stay around. 

Girl of your dreams? Are you sure its lust not love?

[tinker]

Snorting Colombian marching powder and mental stability isn't happening. That's the first thing that has to be sorted.

[T-Dog]

Some really interesting points here, thanks everyone. 

I am speaking to a professional about the whole situation, because, speaking truthfully, I've **** struggled with all this over the last few months. It's really had a massive impact.

For reference, I have no problem with her using gear, altho it's not something I do myself any more, I have no problem with others doing it, likewise the history of sex work, that's not an issue for me.

I do genuinely just want the best for her, I've seen the real, vulnerable woman and she's a good soul with a beautiful heart, but honestly, it's **** my **** head up big time.

[Mr_Dogg]

36 minutes ago, T-Dog said:

Some really interesting points here, thanks everyone. 

I am speaking to a professional about the whole situation, because, speaking truthfully, I've **** struggled with all this over the last few months. It's really had a massive impact.

For reference, I have no problem with her using gear, altho it's not something I do myself any more, I have no problem with others doing it, likewise the history of sex work, that's not an issue for me.

I do genuinely just want the best for her, I've seen the real, vulnerable woman and she's a good soul with a beautiful heart, but honestly, it's **** my **** head up big time.

You should, you massively should. An unstable, vulnerable person is just doubling down on their problems by using.

[KentVillan]

Yeah it’s one thing not judging someone morally for taking drugs, it’s another thing trying to have a relationship with someone who is clearly using drugs in response to major mental health issues and traumas that are way beyond your capacity to handle.

Stick with the counselling and look after yourself. You can’t fix her. She might fix herself one day, but it’s not your responsibility unfortunately, and not the foundations of a healthy relationship. Sorry.

[T-Dog]

Nothing to apologise for. it's been cathartic reading other peoples opinions on the situation. I've genuinely never felt so mixed up about something like this. At the very core, if we take everything back, I really care about this girl.