Bunnski Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Needs some advice chaps and basically a place to get this off my chest, I've read some of this thread before and would take 'most' of your opinions over a random relationship site! Anyway, my head is a bit all over the shop at the moment, but I think I need to end my long term relationship with my girlfriend (we've been together since we were 19, both now 33, not married, no kids, no mortgage). For the record, I've never cheated on her during this time or even come close to it. I was going to give the reasons for this decision (can perhaps post afterwards?) but I didn't want to start waffling even more. But it's got to a point where I 'think' the negative points have started to outweigh the positive ones. Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits and she is the kindest person I have met in my life, but we've just grown apart as we got older, the spark is gone and there a underlying issues with her that are starting to effect me. We're basically more like lodgers than lovers. This will be the hardest and biggest life changing decision I've ever made, and potentially one of the most stupid. I'm still not sure if it's the right decision. It will shock a lot of people who think of us an ideal couple, and I know I'm a lucky guy to have been able to spend almost half of my life with her. I've grown close to her family and friends aswell so I don't want to lose contact with them either. I'm also scared about leaving her, partly because I'm not sure if I will find someone else (the mere thought of dating seems well strange!), partly because of how messy it would be with moving out and partly because I'm not sure if she will be able to manage on her own. She doesn't earn much money and I've paid the vast majority of all the bills since we've been together (this is 100% not one of the issues BTW). But these aren't really valid reasons to stay together? At the end of the day I need to be true to myself and do what's best for me, no matter how tough it will be to start with. I'm not without my own problems and I know there are aspects of my own personality that must be grating on her. If we are honest with ourselves I think we both know deep down that this isn't going to last. I've never had to do this before, how the hell do I go about doing this without ruining lives/relationships? I don't think I could get all my points across face to face without a fight breaking loose. A email is so cold, but at least it would let me have my say and give her time to reflect and respond on her own? What a mess. Any advice is really appreciated. Maybe try a relationship counsellor before giving up on it because good women are hard to find. You possibly want to experience being independent again as 19 is a young age to get into a long term relationship and you maybe feel like you have missed out on loads of stuff you should of got to do. Maybe consider going travelling on your own for a few months and see how you feel about things then. I wouldn't email her with the break up, first do it face to face and then send an email or letter with everything in it that you want to say to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Ever thought it's because you're not trying hard enough? Be spontaneous (haha, aneous is pretty funny) and do something out of the blue and "romantic" - you try and ignite a spark, why leave it to her? 33 man, maybe it's time to grow up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkyvilla Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 My brother and his wife were going through problems, so they separated for a few weeks just to sort their heads out, since then they're probably more into each other now than they were before. Just having a break could be worth trying first, rather than calling it off completely. Anyway, has anybody been out with a Goth before? I've got a bit of a crush on this girl, she looks a lot like Eva Green but I don't know whether it's worth pursuing. She's really nice so I'm hoping it's just a phase. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lloydxmas Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) . Edited July 20, 2015 by simont123 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkyvilla Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Has she had any therapy for her social anxiety simon? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 She does sound difficult with her trust issues etc. I bet it is hard wearing. Professional help sounds like the best thing to do. On the flip side, my wife absolutely couldn't care less about what I get up to (she's extremely trusting) and so sometimes I feel like she doesn't care! But I know she does. People ay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villaglint Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 My brother and his wife were going through problems, so they separated for a few weeks just to sort their heads out, since then they're probably more into each other now than they were before. Just having a break could be worth trying first, rather than calling it off completely. Anyway, has anybody been out with a Goth before? I've got a bit of a crush on this girl, she looks a lot like Eva Green but I don't know whether it's worth pursuing. She's really nice so I'm hoping it's just a phase. If she looks like Eva Green then why is it even a question! Yes she is worth pursuing. Goths are people too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lloydxmas Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Ever thought it's because you're not trying hard enough? Be spontaneous (haha, aneous is pretty funny) and do something out of the blue and "romantic" - you try and ignite a spark, why leave it to her? 33 man, maybe it's time to grow up? Agree mate, we're pretty immature and I still dont class myself as a 'grown up' ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lloydxmas Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Has she had any therapy for her social anxiety simon? She was on sertraline for a bit, which didnt make a difference and tried hypnosis once a long time ago (perhaps this made it worse now you mention it!?). But no actual 1 to 1 conselling. Perhaps I could suggest this to her? But's its still a tough conversation to have without a big argument and tears etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkyvilla Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 My brother and his wife were going through problems, so they separated for a few weeks just to sort their heads out, since then they're probably more into each other now than they were before. Just having a break could be worth trying first, rather than calling it off completely. Anyway, has anybody been out with a Goth before? I've got a bit of a crush on this girl, she looks a lot like Eva Green but I don't know whether it's worth pursuing. She's really nice so I'm hoping it's just a phase. If she looks like Eva Green then why is it even a question! Yes she is worth pursuing. Goths are people too! I'm not exaggerating when I say she has a picture on facebook where she has dressed up like her character in Penny Dreadful and I can barely tell if it's her or actually Eva Green. She also does a scarily accurate David Bowie as well, which I'm more concerned about. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted July 2, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted July 2, 2015 I couldn't deal with those trust issues. I have literally nothing to hide in my relationship, but I couldn't deal with somebody not trusting me and going through my phone and stuff. I can understand how that would get irritating. The other thing to try, simon, would be to just talk to her about it? Tell her what it is that's bothering you about the relationship. Maybe if she realises it's getting to a point where you might be about to pack it in she might make some effort to change things. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted July 2, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted July 2, 2015 Has she had any therapy for her social anxiety simon? She was on sertraline for a bit, which didnt make a difference and tried hypnosis once a long time ago (perhaps this made it worse now you mention it!?). But no actual 1 to 1 conselling. Perhaps I could suggest this to her? But's its still a tough conversation to have without a big argument and tears etc. Proper counselling, combined with appropriate meds is the way forward for her. I'd suggest it worth trying to help her in this direction before ending something that might still work. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Folski Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Being honest, the missus called me aside the last day and said that the spark was kind of fading with us there a about a week ago, I'd been completely blinkered to the fact to be honest, love her to bits, the two of us had been extremely busy with courses and work and with both living at home it's a tough situation, she's been extremely stressed & didn't feel sexy at all, I was just at the stage where I was delighted to get some at all, thankfully we got a weekend in Dublin last weekend & I can assure that we had some of the best fooling around we've ever had. I'd completely been taking things for granted. If you are with her what 14 years how can you possibly think of ending it with an email? Counselling was by far the best advice you got. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted July 2, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) @Simon Or you could just go to the festival, take heaps of drugs, bang loads of girls and make sure you take lots of photos of it all on your phone. She'll get the message soon enough. Edited July 2, 2015 by choffer 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lloydxmas Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 The other thing to try, simon, would be to just talk to her about it? Tell her what it is that's bothering you about the relationship. Maybe if she realises it's getting to a point where you might be about to pack it in she might make some effort to change things. Yeah I have told her (and her sister who she is best friends with) that her insecurity is an issue going to end up driving me away at some point. There was a bit of a change for a bit, but reverted to type again. At least I can confide with the sister I suppose, her input could be valuable. But whether it stays private after I drop a bombshell is another matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharkyvilla Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 The other thing to try, simon, would be to just talk to her about it? Tell her what it is that's bothering you about the relationship. Maybe if she realises it's getting to a point where you might be about to pack it in she might make some effort to change things. Yeah I have told her (and her sister who she is best friends with) that her insecurity is an issue going to end up driving me away at some point. There was a bit of a change for a bit, but reverted to type again. At least I can confide with the sister I suppose, her input could be valuable. But whether it stays private after I drop a bombshell is another matter. I would strongly recommend her going to the doctor and asking for cognitive behavioural therapy, or certainly researching it. It seems to me the core problem in all this is clearly her anxiety. I bet she hates the fact she had to hide from your friends and family, but it's her way of coping and it's spiralled out of control. Whichever way you decide to go, for her sake I think she should try it out as social anxiety/phobia is a very deperessing and lonely existence and may be why it seems like the spark has gone, but it could very easily come back again with some hard work. Best thing is to be honest and open about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lloydxmas Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) . Edited July 20, 2015 by simont123 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legov Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) Geez, it's hard to keep things short and to the point when you get going. Too many factors to add in, so I will try and bullet point this paragraph this a bit. I'm not sure if counselling will work as the issues that are bothering me are deep rooted mental ones? She suffers from social anxiety and is really insecure. It's at a stage now where we can’t go out in public together or have my mates round without her getting steaming and making a fool out of herself or hiding in the bedroom until they've gone. Family gatherings are a complete no-no and she never attends. The insecurity issues bugs me the most. The constant checking of my messages and internet history and always asking "what im looking at" which drives me crazy! This has obviously stemmed from the lack of sex which has just got less and less over the years. We still cuddle and stuff but this can’t carry on for another 14 years without something giving. I suppose this is understandably given the time period and the age we got together. I just don’t ‘fancy’ her anymore (the feeling seems mutual on her part too) even though I still think she's beautiful, I’m just not turned on ‘mentally’ anymore, it’s not always about the looks huh. But like you say, good woman are hard to find, not that I’ve met many other ones as it’s not worth the hassle. She’ll delete them from my Facebook friends list anyway if she doesn’t approve, mental huh. I don’t use Facebook anymore now LOL. I'm actually due to go to a music festival (on my own, no mates etc) for a week or so, this will be the first time I’ve gone on a solo holiday since we got together. But I’m still a bit reluctant to go as I can’t be arsed to deal with the inquisition when i get back. But like you say it may help provide some personal clarity on the situation? Probably not the safest place to by typing this stuff, bet you any money she reads it somehow. At least the cats out the bag then I suppose. Simon, is her social anxiety a recent thing or has it been an issue since you two got together? Edited July 2, 2015 by legov Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Make her feel sexy. Walk around with an erection. problem solved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bunnski Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 She needs to treat her social anxiety/low self esteem as the single most important thing in her life. She has to give it the attention it needs and push herself as hard as possible to deal with it because she will never have a normal life while something like that has such a bearing on her as a person. As for you Simon, you have an ultimatum. First you have to see that she is willing to try her hardest to once and for all rid herself of her issues, if she is then your choices are to work at things and support her or if she isn't prepared to give it everything to fix her problem then you're better off walking away as you are never gonna have a normal life while invested in someone with such issues. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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