Addiction

[leighavfc]

Been hitting the cocaine hard over past few weeks.... Woke up this morning and had that what the f**k are you doing moment I've had many times in my life. Sick of the constant fight I have had with substances for so long.. just want it to end.. I just want to be a normal person for once.. I was so happy for the few months I've been clean this year and I've thrown it all away again to start the fight all over again...

I just don't have an answer to it... Part of me wants to just move away and start again somewhere else where I don't know anybody... But I just simply can't with my job and then of course family etc. I seriously need to knock the drinking on the head... That's the trigger most of the time, even one pint gives me that urge. 2 pints and I'm deffo thinking about it. I hate this life I really do

[KentVillan]

1 hour ago, leighavfc said:

Been hitting the cocaine hard over past few weeks.... Woke up this morning and had that what the f**k are you doing moment I've had many times in my life. Sick of the constant fight I have had with substances for so long.. just want it to end.. I just want to be a normal person for once.. I was so happy for the few months I've been clean this year and I've thrown it all away again to start the fight all over again...

I just don't have an answer to it... Part of me wants to just move away and start again somewhere else where I don't know anybody... But I just simply can't with my job and then of course family etc. I seriously need to knock the drinking on the head... That's the trigger most of the time, even one pint gives me that urge. 2 pints and I'm deffo thinking about it. I hate this life I really do

Hey mate, don't beat yourself up too much. Recovery is not an overnight thing, usually. You're probably already suffering from feelings of guilt, shame and low self-esteem. You're already paying the price for it. Don't feel the need to pile the pressure on yourself. Lots of people go through this. You're not alone.

The fact you're posting about it on here is good. It means you know you have a problem, and want to address it.

Have you spoken to your GP or any trusted friends / family / counsellors / etc about it?

[Johnnyp]

4 hours ago, leighavfc said:

Been hitting the cocaine hard over past few weeks.... Woke up this morning and had that what the f**k are you doing moment I've had many times in my life. Sick of the constant fight I have had with substances for so long.. just want it to end.. I just want to be a normal person for once.. I was so happy for the few months I've been clean this year and I've thrown it all away again to start the fight all over again...

I just don't have an answer to it... Part of me wants to just move away and start again somewhere else where I don't know anybody... But I just simply can't with my job and then of course family etc. I seriously need to knock the drinking on the head... That's the trigger most of the time, even one pint gives me that urge. 2 pints and I'm deffo thinking about it. I hate this life I really do

That’s tough going but fair play for reaching out. Are you in a program , NA , or anything similar ? Lot of folk get spooked when they go into 12 step programs when they hear of god references and spirituality etc, they bolt before they even start. It’s the fellowship that actual maintains recovery. Having a network of people who are sober and can show you it’s possible, having a sponsor etc. Way too hard of a thing to do on your own. 

[MNVillan]

5 hours ago, leighavfc said:

Been hitting the cocaine hard over past few weeks.... Woke up this morning and had that what the f**k are you doing moment I've had many times in my life. Sick of the constant fight I have had with substances for so long.. just want it to end.. I just want to be a normal person for once.. I was so happy for the few months I've been clean this year and I've thrown it all away again to start the fight all over again...

I just don't have an answer to it... Part of me wants to just move away and start again somewhere else where I don't know anybody... But I just simply can't with my job and then of course family etc. I seriously need to knock the drinking on the head... That's the trigger most of the time, even one pint gives me that urge. 2 pints and I'm deffo thinking about it. I hate this life I really do

Keep your chin up. Happy that you admitted it. Recovery is really tough, not usually a straight path. Keep fighting the good fight

[PussEKatt]

I know its not even close to the same thing,but I found it really really hard to give up smokind ( I dont smoke now ) so what you are attempting to do must be 100 times worse than what I went through,so,as the above posters are saying.Keep your chin up,keep positive and good luck..

It might help to think of people that are worse off than you.For instance,imagine if you had a coke problem and was a SHA supporter. 

[Rugeley Villa]

18 hours ago, leighavfc said:

Been hitting the cocaine hard over past few weeks.... Woke up this morning and had that what the f**k are you doing moment I've had many times in my life. Sick of the constant fight I have had with substances for so long.. just want it to end.. I just want to be a normal person for once.. I was so happy for the few months I've been clean this year and I've thrown it all away again to start the fight all over again...

I just don't have an answer to it... Part of me wants to just move away and start again somewhere else where I don't know anybody... But I just simply can't with my job and then of course family etc. I seriously need to knock the drinking on the head... That's the trigger most of the time, even one pint gives me that urge. 2 pints and I'm deffo thinking about it. I hate this life I really do

I feel for you . Me and my work mate was  only on about it Friday how we would love to be normal. Just be able to have a few beers and go home , or be able to get pissed and leave it at that . Some people grow out of it, like some of my mates that have not touched it in years. Some have to stop drinking, which is a battle by itself. Some carry on drinking and carry on using. Your environment can be a problem , but imo the main  problem is yourself , not where you live. Being sober and clean is great , but we get fed up of feeling that way and think we need something extra, and usually that something extra is a drink , which then repeats the pattern and puts us back into that horrible cycle of using. We forget too easily how shit it makes us feel.

I had a bad spell just after Xmas. Kept messing up by going out and not giving a shit. Was happening every week, at least once a fortnight . Big strain on my relationship . Ended up back at my mums because of it . After another **** up and another comedown  I saw no way out and attempted to take my own life. My mum had to cut me down which had devastating effects on her. Moment of madness . Went 4 months sober , but ended up drinking a few weeks ago again . Absolute crazy to think this time would be different . I’m not the best person to talk to, but I know what you’re going through , so open for a chat anytime, but I should take my own advice. Chin up .

[Ingram85]

@leighavfc and @Rugeley Villa

I have no idea how hard it must be to be in that situation, get out of that situation and talk about your situations. 

As ever on VT, we may not always agree on everything but **** it we all try to have each others backs on here when it matters the most. Keep going, keep fighting and keep keeping on boys. Much love. 

[Rugeley Villa]

1 minute ago, Ingram85 said:

@leighavfc and @Rugeley Villa

I have no idea how hard it must be to be in that situation, get out of that situation and talk about your situations. 

As ever on VT, we may not always agree on everything but **** it we all try to have each others backs on here when it matters the most. Keep going, keep fighting and keep keeping on boys. Much love. 

You came very close then to saying “Keep Right On”   
 

on a serious note much appreciated mate. 

[KentVillan]

4 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

I feel for you . Me and my work mate was  only on about it Friday how we would love to be normal. Just be able to have a few beers and go home , or be able to get pissed and leave it at that . Some people grow out of it, like some of my mates that have not touched it in years. Some have to stop drinking, which is a battle by itself. Some carry on drinking and carry on using. Your environment can be a problem , but imo the main  problem is yourself , not where you live. Being sober and clean is great , but we get fed up of feeling that way and think we need something extra, and usually that something extra is a drink , which then repeats the pattern and puts us back into that horrible cycle of using. We forget too easily how shit it makes us feel.

I had a bad spell just after Xmas. Kept messing up by going out and not giving a shit. Was happening every week, at least once a fortnight . Big strain on my relationship . Ended up back at my mums because of it . After another **** up and another comedown  I saw no way out and attempted to take my own life. My mum had to cut me down which had devastating effects on her. Moment of madness . Went 4 months sober , but ended up drinking a few weeks ago again . Absolute crazy to think this time would be different . I’m not the best person to talk to, but I know what you’re going through , so open for a chat anytime, but I should take my own advice. Chin up .

So sorry to hear that mate, but glad you’re still here to tell the story.

The thing that’s made it easier for me is spending more time with people who don’t do it, telling them I have a problem so they notice if I go missing for a few days, and slowly cutting out people who do it (whether casually or problem users) and avoiding environments where it’s common.

That’s obviously increasingly difficult in the UK where it seems to have become so normalised. It’s the casual, once every couple of months users who really cause me the most problems, especially the ones you enjoy spending time with otherwise, but have to put my own health first.

And yes also completely agree that this is just a first step to dealing with it. Ultimately we are all doing it to mask underlying issues and they involve working on yourself. Not being afraid to ask for help, challenging yourself, improving yourself. Not being afraid to be a bit boring and less spontaneous. Not easy things to do, and nobody else can do it for us.

I just find it so hard to remember how bad I felt, and the little spark of “fun” still captures me from time to time.

[leighavfc]

Hi all, thanks for your messages of support and advice. Really appreciate it you reading my post and not judging me for the horrible habit I have. I struggle to talk to people I know so letting out on here like I have done several times over the past couple of years does help me.

I have been trying to keep myself busy all day today to take my mind off things.. been in a daze all day though beating myself up about the past few weeks and how I have let myself slip into it despite seeing it from a mile off. All started around the end of May with lots of social events we have had on over that period between then and now. I had started to learn how to drink without the stuff prior to this period of time and felt good being able to have a few pints with friends and having the strength to say no to myself. Of course a few weeks of this and the old go on then il get a cheeky one.. and that was it, been pretty much every weekend since then. I feel like an utter word removed for so many reasons.

I wa supposed to be going a festival Friday with my best mate for his brothers 40th but I cancelled it today knowing that I would probably end up on the gear again after a few drinks. My pal knows why I have cancelled and knows the problems I have had over the years so as much it's one of the few times we actually get to meet up he completely understands and wants me to get back on my feet again.

Luckily there are no planned social stuff for a while so Im going to try and keep myself busy in other directions and try and live the simple life and get myself in a better place again.. walks with the dog, going away for the weekend with the family. I need to stop this utter stupidness and quickly, I'm wasting my life away all for bags of drugs

[leighavfc]

21 hours ago, KentVillan said:

Hey mate, don't beat yourself up too much. Recovery is not an overnight thing, usually. You're probably already suffering from feelings of guilt, shame and low self-esteem. You're already paying the price for it. Don't feel the need to pile the pressure on yourself. Lots of people go through this. You're not alone.

The fact you're posting about it on here is good. It means you know you have a problem, and want to address it.

Have you spoken to your GP or any trusted friends / family / counsellors / etc about it?

Hi Kent, thanks again for responding I know you have read and replied to my messages before so know I have been battling this for a while now. Trying to stop all the beating up of myself but it's very tough, probably part of me coming down off the high too. Getting back to work tomorrow will help me get back in to some sort of focus and distraction from the dark place I've been in past couple of days. It's the weekends that kill me when I have time to kill or things to go to. Looking forward to. My football teams season returning so I have a purpose not to go out on a Saturday night etc. 

Not spoke to the GP for a while and tbh I just find the avenues they have tried haven't really worked for me. My problem is staying away from drink.. If I do that then I don't even think about coke. It's hard but I think I'm going to have to go teetotal to solve this issue from now on. Will be tough and will probably generate a few laughs and jokes within my social circle but it is what it is and is the best for me ultimately...

[leighavfc]

19 hours ago, Johnnyp said:

That’s tough going but fair play for reaching out. Are you in a program , NA , or anything similar ? Lot of folk get spooked when they go into 12 step programs when they hear of god references and spirituality etc, they bolt before they even start. It’s the fellowship that actual maintains recovery. Having a network of people who are sober and can show you it’s possible, having a sponsor etc. Way too hard of a thing to do on your own. 

Thanks mate, no not in a program or anything it hasn't worked for me before but I think despite my reservations I need to try again at the very least. A lot of people said positive things about their experiences, I went to a group a few times and it was just a bit of a laugh and a joke between the other attendees more than anything. Felt sorry for the guy leading the session as he just couldn't keep control of the people in there. 

Maybe a different group will help me, so will have a look out for one and see if I can get myself on there Thanks again mate, appreciate your time to read and reply to me. 

[leighavfc]

18 hours ago, MNVillan said:

Keep your chin up. Happy that you admitted it. Recovery is really tough, not usually a straight path. Keep fighting the good fight

Thank you for the support, I must remember that this is a war within myself that is not over after a day of not doing the gear... It's a constant battle. Il be screenshotting these messages and trying to read them when feeling an urge or struggling with cravings. It's the little simple but effective words like this that help

[leighavfc]

6 hours ago, PussEKatt said:

I know its not even close to the same thing,but I found it really really hard to give up smokind ( I dont smoke now ) so what you are attempting to do must be 100 times worse than what I went through,so,as the above posters are saying.Keep your chin up,keep positive and good luck..

It might help to think of people that are worse off than you.For instance,imagine if you had a coke problem and was a SHA supporter. 

That's another battle I have every few months too with the bloody fags, on and off them all the time along with the rest of the shit.. tbh they are the hardest battle as that is an everyday thing! At the very least the coke is generally during having a drink which I can believe it or not take or leave... I very very rarely have ever have even a couple of beers at home, never enjoy it. It's just the going out social drinks that do me and bring it all down for me... Been lots more of that recently than usual and the good weather makes it hard not to nip out for a quick drink which then leads to an all dayer or whatever.

Yeah must be a rough ride supporting that shower.....

[KentVillan]

19 minutes ago, leighavfc said:

Hi Kent, thanks again for responding I know you have read and replied to my messages before so know I have been battling this for a while now. Trying to stop all the beating up of myself but it's very tough, probably part of me coming down off the high too. Getting back to work tomorrow will help me get back in to some sort of focus and distraction from the dark place I've been in past couple of days. It's the weekends that kill me when I have time to kill or things to go to. Looking forward to. My football teams season returning so I have a purpose not to go out on a Saturday night etc. 

Not spoke to the GP for a while and tbh I just find the avenues they have tried haven't really worked for me. My problem is staying away from drink.. If I do that then I don't even think about coke. It's hard but I think I'm going to have to go teetotal to solve this issue from now on. Will be tough and will probably generate a few laughs and jokes within my social circle but it is what it is and is the best for me ultimately...

If you can't get the right treatment through the NHS, then for the cost of a gram or two of coke you could see a private counsellor on a regular basis. Sounds expensive, but it could be one of the best investments you ever make in your life.

I don't think there's any one solution for every addict... I mean addiction itself isn't really one thing. For some people it's a total physical dependence on a chemical that has permanently rewired their brain, maybe starting very early in life with childhood trauma, etc... and for others it's more of an OCD habit that they've picked up, and find it hard to rewind. Some people have destroyed their finances and lost all their friends and family, and others still have strong networks to fall back on.

The common feature with a lot of people is being too proud or too ashamed to seek support. You don't have to be a burden on other people, and the people who love you will want you to get better, not hide away and die slowly. Just have a chat now and then, post something on here, whatever. Combine that with some professional support and a proper plan, you can pull through it. Also you'll find as you cut back on the drugs and booze, you'll be in a better frame of mind to sort out all the other problems in your life.

I also found it a bit less isolating when I started to talk to people about it as more of a mental health problem. Most people have something that gets on top of them. They can relate to that, even if they can't relate to the specific coping mechanism you've developed. I think the 12-step "I am an addict" thing can get in the way of that. You're not wired differently. You probably have some genetic vulnerability to it, but it's a learned behaviour.

I say all this, but I still do it from time to time, and beat myself up over it. I don't want to give the impression I've found the answer, but I've definitely improved my life a lot by being more honest with myself and others about it, and working on the problems.

[leighavfc]

5 hours ago, Rugeley Villa said:

I feel for you . Me and my work mate was  only on about it Friday how we would love to be normal. Just be able to have a few beers and go home , or be able to get pissed and leave it at that . Some people grow out of it, like some of my mates that have not touched it in years. Some have to stop drinking, which is a battle by itself. Some carry on drinking and carry on using. Your environment can be a problem , but imo the main  problem is yourself , not where you live. Being sober and clean is great , but we get fed up of feeling that way and think we need something extra, and usually that something extra is a drink , which then repeats the pattern and puts us back into that horrible cycle of using. We forget too easily how shit it makes us feel.

I had a bad spell just after Xmas. Kept messing up by going out and not giving a shit. Was happening every week, at least once a fortnight . Big strain on my relationship . Ended up back at my mums because of it . After another **** up and another comedown  I saw no way out and attempted to take my own life. My mum had to cut me down which had devastating effects on her. Moment of madness . Went 4 months sober , but ended up drinking a few weeks ago again . Absolute crazy to think this time would be different . I’m not the best person to talk to, but I know what you’re going through , so open for a chat anytime, but I should take my own advice. Chin up .

Rugeley, again me and you are here for both the right and wrong reasons due to our issues with substances. First of all sorry to hear about what happened with your battle, and I really hope you are in a better place than you was back then. I can't begin to imagine how you felt during that period and what that did to your family finding you in that way. Must have been terrible

When I have read your posts before the way you explain it is literally exactly the same as me... Not being able to drink and not have it, the drink being the gateway to the problem that follows. You are 100% correct the problem is me and not my environment or situation I'm in. I have a loving supporting family , with my missus putting up with my s**t for years and still sticking with me despite all the problems I have caused with the abuse of drugs.

I also got kicked out and my partner said she was done with me and that's it around April time when I went a couple of nights in a row with pals after nipping out for a "quick one". That was mainly about me taking the p**s constantly and at the time my cannabis use... I haven't smoked since then which is one positive in all this. I also sent a text the following night whilst at a hotel saying that was it and I wanted to end it all... Luckily for me the father in law turned up at the hotel very quickly to snap me out of anything stupid. He also had my back and talked my partner round into having me back at the house and giving me the support I needed at that time. Was completely sober of all substances..even drink for nearly wo months and was on top of the world in that time. Felt fresh, happy and full of life in that time more than ever before.

Now I'm here again. Like you I got comfortable drinking with pals again which was fine for a few weeks but I could see it a mile off what was coming in the weeks to come. One session turned into another and then another before the next one involved me getting some just incase I needed it.. of course it was never just incase or needed it I had let my guard down and thought I would be ok doing it on the one off.. my partner has been very suspicious of me and I have had to lie to her a few times recently when she has questioned me... I was doing some upstairs getting ready the other week and she crept up the stairs and nearly caught me. She knew what was going on though despite my denials... She emptied my pockets out but I had already hid what I had.. feel like such a div reacting and doing childish stuff like that.

Thanks mate we must chat as we see it the same and have very similar traits or triggers by sounds of it. Thanks for the support again, and I hope you continue fighting your battle. Mine has started once again, I think this time has to be a real change in my life, no drink firstly. Keeping myself away from being in the house too much bored and getting out and away from my surroundings so I can't get any or not thinking about it. I need to spend more time with my family and kids and enjoying their company totally with my full attention and efforts. It has to stop this time... Otherwise I fear and am sure that things will get worse for more reasons than just my addiction....

[leighavfc]

3 hours ago, Ingram85 said:

@leighavfc and @Rugeley Villa

I have no idea how hard it must be to be in that situation, get out of that situation and talk about your situations. 

As ever on VT, we may not always agree on everything but **** it we all try to have each others backs on here when it matters the most. Keep going, keep fighting and keep keeping on boys. Much love. 

Absolutely! Football we all have different opinions and can argue all day and night about that because at the end of the day it don't matter!

One of the great things about here though is there are so many different threads and different topics and you often find plenty of people who visit this side of the forum to support, discuss and advise each other on our situations. I used to laugh at mental health or discussing issues like this and i not too long ago realised how wrong I was and how much I needed even just a place like VT to open up about my issues to complete strangers as that is what works for me. In all honesty I probably post more on this side of the forum than the football side these days! 

[Marka Ragnos]

DM sent. 

[A'Villan]

@leighavfc

Fortune favours the brave, and I think what you've done by writing about your situation here, is brave.

At a guess, correct me if I'm wrong, you have shared here because you had hope that it might be of benefit to someone. I thank you for that. I hope that someone may include you. For me, and I say this with sincerity. It also shows your intelligence. I am glad to see that you've been met with messages of support on here.

I am hesitant to offer guidance or advice on what is in your best interests, as I don't know you personally, but one thing I will say with confidence is I think you should continue to exercise that intelligence discerning which avenues and people are going to, at the very least, work with you in bringing about the changes you wish to see.

Find your allies in this.

There's a quote I like and it's actually become a philosophy of mine.

"The ties of goodwill run thin like thread, whereas the ties of mutual interest are like chains of steel"

Lastly I think @KentVillan has given some solid counsel here.

Edited July 18, 2022 by A'Villan

[TheAuthority]

@leighavfc & @Rugeley Villa

Check out this drug https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naltrexone

It's had wonderful positive effects for a lot of people. It essentially blocks the "pleasure" centers in the brain that give some people a crazy buzz almost akin to opioids. That is what some folks just keep drinking and drinking and obviously cocaine use goes hand in hand with that.

One doctor devoted his life's work to developing this drug and it's helping absolutely thousands of people.