Popular Post bickster Posted August 22, 2015 Moderator Popular Post Share Posted August 22, 2015 a bloke on my shift has a daughter who is dating a premier league footie player(not one of ours or any player from a midlands club),the player apparently offered him £500 a week to be his chaufer.he said he would buy him a range rover and the guy then would pick him up everyday and chaufer him around to training and wherever he wanted to go.the guy said no as it would mean a drop in his money.(true story honest)tbh, if anyone dating my daughter offered me that job, he'd be in hospital now 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 A few years back the ceo's PA sent an email intended just for him to the entire company. It was someone's CV with the message "it's always better to hire someone who already has a job if you know what I mean..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonno_2004 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Quite a few stories from my old job, everyone was a similar age and we often worked around the UK together on the same client which meant plenty of extended hotel stays on an expense allowance in various cities - an environment that produced a fair few tales! My favourite though is probably one of the girls in our office having a drink with a client at a 'rough' pub on the premise they wouldn't be seen by any of us, then proceeding to pop back up to his office and do it every which way on his desk. Was brilliant sending the junior on the job into that office for hours at a time the next day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post dAVe80 Posted August 22, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted August 22, 2015 My mate got sacked from my work, following a heated argument over whether two slices of bread, cut in half, is classed as two sandwiches or one. It ended up with the other guy punching my mate in the stomach, and my mate then slugging him in the face. That's got to be up there with the most ridiculous thing I've seen happen at work. 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kingman Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 a bloke on my shift has a daughter who is dating a premier league footie player(not one of ours or any player from a midlands club),the player apparently offered him £500 a week to be his chaufer.he said he would buy him a range rover and the guy then would pick him up everyday and chaufer him around to training and wherever he wanted to go.the guy said no as it would mean a drop in his money.(true story honest) tbh, if anyone dating my daughter offered me that job, he'd be in hospital now At least, Picking his teeth up with a broken arm! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisp65 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 I repeatedly stabbed a director at my current company with a fork, to get him to stop biting me. Later the same evening he deliberately tripped me up as he walked behind me. The evening finished when I pushed him down a (short) flight of stairs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dodgyknees Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 A long time ago I worked at Argos over Christmas. A lady brought a ring back, wanted to exchange it as it was the wrong one. The assistant who served her was almost sick as the ring was covered in pubes. Another story from the same year, same place. A guy came in to buy a hoover and told us it was for him, he wanted it to give him a blow job. It was probably 'banter' but the girl he said it to was 17 and went bright red. He was about 60! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Another story from the same year, same place. A guy came in to buy a hoover and told us it was for him, he wanted it to give him a blow job. It was probably 'banter' but the girl he said it to was 17 and went bright red. He was about 60! Rugeley likes this. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 I once thought about having a wank at work but didn't go through with it. Plus, getting my cock out in the middle of the office would be frowned upon i always wank at work. a few months ago a did a shit on a pack of tiles my mate was carrying from, he went round the otherside of the roof with some tiles on his shoulder and before he came back round i done the deed right on his pack. dirty clearing in the woods i know, i used to chase people with toilet role that id used to wipe my arse with as well which was pretty funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 locking people in toilets is fun as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted August 23, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted August 23, 2015 Thats the best end to a thread ever! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted August 23, 2015 VT Supporter Share Posted August 23, 2015 I once thought about having a wank at work but didn't go through with it. Plus, getting my cock out in the middle of the office would be frowned upon i always wank at work. a few months ago a did a shit on a pack of tiles my mate was carrying from, he went round the otherside of the roof with some tiles on his shoulder and before he came back round i done the deed right on his pack. dirty clearing in the woods i know, i used to chase people with toilet role that id used to wipe my arse with as well which was pretty funny. I imagine this is the kind of thing that you find hilarious and wonder why nobody else is laughing. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rugeley Villa Posted August 23, 2015 Share Posted August 23, 2015 (edited) Believe it or not when I'm chasing them with the toilet paper they are laughing but it's probably a nervous laugh, it's all fun. Edited August 23, 2015 by Rugeley Villa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Marka Ragnos Posted August 24, 2015 VT Supporter Popular Post Share Posted August 24, 2015 (edited) When I was 15, I worked as a dishwasher at a very tony American country club. We dishies were also responsible for kitchen clean-up. One afternoon, I had the bright idea of mixing bleach with an industrial-strength degreaser. I created a cloud of toxic gas (I think it was some kind of chloramine but I will leave it to a science geek to tell me) and, as a result, the entire clubhouse was evacuated, the fire brigade called, the whole place closed, all exposed food tossed, and every dish and pan in the kitchen had to be cleaned. How on earth I wasn't fired, I'll never know ... Edited August 24, 2015 by Plastic Man 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I used to masturbate about 5 times a day at work. I worked at home. Sometimes I'd wash my hands before making a sandwich, sometimes I wouldn't bother, thought the extra protein would be good. Now, in the office, everything is boring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
limpid Posted August 24, 2015 Administrator Share Posted August 24, 2015 Now, in the office, everything is boring. Get some Lego. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Seat68 Posted August 24, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted August 24, 2015 I have a reputation for **** up at Christmas do’s, I used to work at Capgemini in Telford and a Christmas do, I was hammered, so I picked up my coat from the cloak room and I was handed two. It didn’t fit me, it wasn’t what I would ordinarily wear, but still I took it, my wife picked me up and I lobbed it in the back of the car. Next day I had booked off and strolled into work on the Monday, at which time an email had been sent to all people at Capgemini in Telford trying to track down this coat, I immediately sent an email holding my hands up and I sheepishly had to go to the guy whose coat it was an return it to him. The next year, again got hammered, my wife offered to give lifts to me and my boss, during the journey I referred to him as a word removed. To his face, he wasn’t as drunk as me and he remembered this on the Monday. I managed to get away with it, until March of the following year and I was made redundant. 3 years ago I was at a Christmas do, I had a walk from the venue to my hotel of about a mile, too short for a tax, as I was drunk I decided the road wasn’t the quickest option so spent the early hours of the morning walking through farmland, **** up my suit, shoes and phone. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seat68 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 When I was a kid Ted Bovis was my hero, genuinely, I wanted to be a redcoat, thats pretty much all I wanted to be. I worked at holiday camps from leaving school and through chance and circumstance I ended up working for the Entertainments department at butlins. I asked my boss for a crack at it, I said I would work nights as a redcoat and do my normal work in the day, the night work would be for free, of course he agreed. It was a dream come true, I was 20 and I couldnt believe I was getting the chance. So first night on the job, smallish venue, about 500 people in, and be it nerves or the fact I have always liked a beer, I of course drank too much, I was mullered, in my full reds ended up snogging the face off a female guest, whilst my senior manager, his manager, my manager and a few colleagues looked on. My manager was an old school fella, he told me next day to keep that shit for back at the chalet and I managed to do the job I had wanted my whole life for 5 years. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I was unfortunate enough as a child to be shown the delights of Redcoats. I've wanted to do inexplicably horrible things to every person who became a Redcoat. If people moan about forced fun at work, then they have no idea what Redcoats are capable of. Imagine, singing with >9,000% commitment, 1700 times a day "let's do the timewarp" I'd kill myself after 0.000001% after being confirmed as a Redcoat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seat68 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I was unfortunate enough as a child to be shown the delights of Redcoats. I've wanted to do inexplicably horrible things to every person who became a Redcoat. If people moan about forced fun at work, then they have no idea what Redcoats are capable of. Imagine, singing with >9,000% commitment, 1700 times a day "let's do the timewarp" I'd kill myself after 0.000001% after being confirmed as a Redcoat. I literally got hammered every single night for free, I arranged a thing called a fag raffle every week and that tided me over for fags in the days when I smoked, I had the best time for 7 years of my life. I met ladies that would realistically off limits, I spent the night "working" by being in a DJ box, playing records, and making light work of lager. It was great. The only downsides are it doesnt set you up for any long term career, you are effectively putting off real life, also my working day was from 7am to midnight 6 days a week, that will take its toll. I modelled myself on Mr Partridge so had little to do with brightening up kids holidays. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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