Ingram85 Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Well done Dante. Congrats chap! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leviramsey Posted June 5, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted June 5, 2013 Congrats Dante is practicing that dance for the wedding, amirite? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted June 5, 2013 Moderator Share Posted June 5, 2013 I'd say uamrite. Either that or he knows it already Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dante_Lockhart Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Of course I know it already. I did it in Walkabout down Birmingham when the whistle went and we won the Superb Owl 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Eames Posted June 5, 2013 Popular Post Share Posted June 5, 2013 I love reading this thread, FWIW when a female disrespects you, how do you react? I don't mean a girlfriend/wife etc, just a random girl on the street or at work. The golden rule is you can't hit women, but when one crosses the line....... Have you any idea how much of a prat this particular post makes you sound? I know that this is par for the course but seriously........ it actually makes me sad that we share a gender. OP frequents this forum No further questions m'lud. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RunRickyRun Posted June 5, 2013 Share Posted June 5, 2013 Suddenly on topic doesn't seem so bad... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Djemba_Villan Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 (edited) Right..I posted a few pages ago about my effective falling into the friend zone with a girl who I was unbelievably besotted with....anyway....long story short, she decided to choose the slimy other lad from work who was always my direct competition and we were kind of a trio in and out of work. I found out in probably the worst possible way and they tried to keep it a secret for a while until it became obvious to everyone at work. I reacted by basically disappearing..I didn't know what to do as it really killed me. I told her that I didn't want to spend time with her outside work but maybe in the future someday we could still be friends again..I hoped she'd just leave me to it and i'd be able to get on with my life as I've wasted so much time and energy with the whole saga and I cant begin to say how much it kills me to see them two together and happy. Weeks passed and she constantly messages me and cries and tells me how much she misses me, saying all sorts of things but It's just not the same. If she'd rejected me for anyone else I think I could manage, but not the lad who was always in the background, who I don't see as anything special at all and who she formerly described as a "friend" just like myself. She constantly tells me i'm the person who makes her laugh the most and always says suggestive things...but at the end of the day must not be physically attracted..which I can accept..but wish she'd have made that clearer long ago. I've relented a bit and try to spend some time with her directly as we have an awesome time and I'd like to think when i'm over her we'll be friends, but avoid them as a couple as it makes me sick. She knows this and it upsets her a bit but i'm trying my best to put on a brave face. I don't think i'm exaggerating when I say the whole thing has driven me a bit depressed as I've lost a lot of my spark and generally feel awful most of the time. What has driven it is that I don't have a particularly large social circle outside work (unusual for me as i'm sociable) and i'm faced with them every day as I work with them both so feel totally trapped. They've slimed up to my other friends at work whom beforehand they didn't bother so there is nowhere I can really go to avoid them..and I've already made things awkward enough for them by trying to be elusive...it's just not what you want at work. I recently had an amazing 3 week holiday and recaptured a bit of my old self...I came back buzzing until I saw facebook and their holiday album..which brought me crashing right back down...she sends me messages still saying how much she misses the old me (who used to stupidly idolise her basically) and hates "this whole situation". I'd like your opinion on what I should do as the following are true:- I still think the world of her...and dont think shes intended to cause me harm but happens to have just chosen this other guy I accept I'll never be with her but it also upsets me the idea of not being friends. the other guy I have no respect for and see him as smug tos5pot. I have absolutely no way of avoiding either of them at work...where I'm achieving well in a graduate job so can't just leave. I can't avoid them on facebook without it looking obvious and looking petty and pathetic. I still have a compulsion to look at her page even though it makes me feel terrible A complicating factor is that they both intend to emigrate to Oz in the new year...I know for a fact he will be going...but she told me that she wants to go but flippantly says "if I dont like it i'll just come back". She's desperate to make sure she leaves on good terms and I'm doing the minimum to maintain our friendship but every bone in me is bitter and jealous if I'm honest. Sorry for the essay but it was massively needed. I know I need to move on. I'm trying to meet new girls but I tend to compare them to her which makes life hard. I dont know if all of this is just me being weak but I've broken up with girls before and it's affected me far less than this has. Edited June 23, 2013 by Djemba_Villan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Cut off contact with both of them completely. Get back on the horse and find someone else. Try and make new friends. Do everything you can possibly do to get over her really. Cut 'em off like dead limb and try again with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Also, in this situation you arent gonna stay friends, sorry but you arent. Dont burn any bridges though as you never know what the future holds, just be polite and courteous at work but cut off any social contact. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted June 23, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted June 23, 2013 What Ingram says. If you're essentially in love with her and she doesn't have feelings for you, then you're **** if you remain friends. You're never going to be anything other than miserable, even though your mind makes you think you'll be happier with her as a friend. You won't. That's just you clinging onto the hope that she'll change her mind one day. She won't, sorry. If there's ANY chance of her eventually falling for you, it's not going to happen by you carrying on being friends with her. If it happens it'll be through you cutting off contact and her realising she misses you. Sorry to say it, but Ingram is right. The best way to get over it is forget her and get your end away with someone else. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Djemba_Villan Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I think you are probably both right....I've tried the other options of trying to put a brave face on, and even the half-way option...but what tends to happen is that during the time we have a great time, do nothing but laugh, she says how much she enjoys herself and things like "thats the best day i've had in ages"...but at the end of the day goes back to him..which makes me feel worse than before as a net result. I though it would get easier with time...and I think it does until something else happens, which sets you back. I think it'll be one of the hardest things i've ever done but it's probably the only way for me to rebuild myself to where I was while things were going well with her and before then Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLN Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 Ingram and Stevo know what they're talking about. Ignore their advice at your peril we have a great time, do nothing but laugh, she says how much she enjoys herself and things like "thats the best day i've had in ages"...but at the end of the day goes back to him..which makes me feel worse than before as a net result. Sounds like you're making her feel brilliant and she's making you feel like shit. All the more reason to follow the lads' advice and stop giving her the pleasure of seeing you on only her terms. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. She's only massaging her own ego and telling herself she is complicated and mysterious. Don't give her that satisfaction at your expense. And it is at your expense. If you're like me, you won't follow the advice and convince yourself that you haven't adequately explained your position here in the pieces you've written and that we don't know what your relationship is actually like, which might be true, but in my experience, that's just letting blind hope get in the way of you moving on. If anything, your puppy dog routine is probably friend zoning her further. Enough has been on her terms, cut ties and if she comes calling again, make sure it's not just her getting what she wants at the expense of your mental health. It's probably going to be very hard to do, but there's nothing more painful than watching a guy chase after a hot girl who just wants him as her pal, and is enjoying him trying to get her to like him in 'that way'. It's just mean on her part. And selfish. And insensitive. I guess you need to decide whether the pain you feel after you meet her is worth the enjoyment you get from being 'friends' with her 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tarjei Posted June 23, 2013 Share Posted June 23, 2013 I used to tiptoe around girls and be a total beta. One day a friend pulled me over and said if you want her just go for it.. he saw right through my weak bullshit. So I followed his advice. Next time I was alone with the girl I was into I just pulled her close and gave her one. She was surprised but we ended up having a summer fling and now we are comfortable as friends. It's has gotten mixed results since, but MUCH better than before. The good thing though is that there is no getting stuck in the friend zone anymore. I hate that. You become infatuated with them and the longer it goes on the more you want them.If you know this one is amazing and she's not the kind to respond well to directness, sure, it might be better to take your time, but in your case Djemba you would have been much better off making your intentions known, essentially putting her on the spot. If and when it backfires say sorry in the nicest possible way and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginko Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Next time I was alone with the girl I was into I just pulled her close and gave her one 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tarjei Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Not that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eames Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Not that one. The wrong one? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Djemba_Villan Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 (edited) The problem I have with totally and utterly cutting them off (which I know is what I need to do) is that then it leaves me in a very awkward situation at work...as currently all the young ones sit together at lunch and socialise fairly often out of work. Him and her must have realised after a month or so that they were in danger of being seen as antisocial to the others so have now performed a charm offensive and are unavoidable at any of these social events or lunch. If I were to avoid them that leaves me literally sitting on my own at lunch and not seeing the others socially. When I joined the others for lunch with them present previously (whilst distancing myself) she ended up crying because I could barely hold eye contact with her..even though I was being perfectly civil and polite. I feel like a prat for taking such a hard line, as she could literally have not done any more to maintain me as a friend. In fairness to her shes been fair, but as you've all said (and thanks so much for your opinions) it's not doing my mental health any good at all and will lead to me falling behind at work if I'm not careful. Edited June 24, 2013 by Djemba_Villan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted June 24, 2013 VT Supporter Share Posted June 24, 2013 I don't think you need to avoid them at lunch. you can still be polite. Say hello when you pass them, make small talk at the water cooler. What I mean is you can't stay "friends" with her. You can' meet her for a friendly drink after work. You can't go see amovie with her. you can't text her or call her. You don't have to flat out ignore her/them. You just have to put them back into the bracket of colleague as opposed to friend. And tell her about it. Tell her you can't stay friends for hat reason. it's nothing personal, you just need to do it. If she's no happy with that hen she's being selfish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Djemba_Villan Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 (edited) I don't think you need to avoid them at lunch. you can still be polite. Say hello when you pass them, make small talk at the water cooler. What I mean is you can't stay "friends" with her. You can' meet her for a friendly drink after work. You can't go see amovie with her. you can't text her or call her. You don't have to flat out ignore her/them. You just have to put them back into the bracket of colleague as opposed to friend. And tell her about it. Tell her you can't stay friends for hat reason. it's nothing personal, you just need to do it. If she's no happy with that hen she's being selfish. Ah good. Well tbf i'm well on course for this anyway. I avoid making any effort for her now as I'm trying to push her down in my list of go-to people as it's something I knew I had to do. I'm not the sort of person to be able to be rude and brash by totally ignoring, given that she's making all the effort in the world. I've made excuses the last 3 times she's suggested something but haven't closed the door entirely. When I get the chance I'll explain, as I have before. She does understand, infact before I went away and was feeling a bit better about it all, she was messaging me about things from the past + saying things like "I now realise that you dont know what you've got until it's gone", she wanted to meet up and understood that i'd have to be ready for it. However I think she had some ideal scenario where she's with him and everyone else just falls into their 'place' around them. Sod that. Edited June 24, 2013 by Djemba_Villan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted June 24, 2013 Share Posted June 24, 2013 Won't this all be rather moot and 'problem solved' when/if they feck off abroad next year? Problem solved, surely? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts