Ingram85 Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Irreverentad; Cheers for the messages yesterday mate. We went out for a meal last night, went back to hers and had a chat about the state of things. Turns out she wanted to know what my long terms plans are as she is worried that as she is 36 and im 26 that if someone else comes along who is my age then i'll be off. The other thing we talked about is that if we do make it more serious then ive got to take into consideration the fact that she probably isnt gonna have kids again and ive not had any of my own which she is worried about. I guess normally it would be too soon to speak about these things but in her situation I guess I would like to know as well. At least it explains why ive noticed things have been a bit different lately. Not bad or anything, just a bit different. All I can do is reassure her and show her that im serious about her. Were both feeling a whole lot better about where we stand now so fingers crossed. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks again for the tips, advice and insight into a similar situation, it has really helped Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irreverentad Posted March 17, 2012 Author Share Posted March 17, 2012 Irreverentad; Cheers for the messages yesterday mate. We went out for a meal last night, went back to hers and had a chat about the state of things. Turns out she wanted to know what my long terms plans are as she is worried that as she is 36 and im 26 that if someone else comes along who is my age then i'll be off. The other thing we talked about is that if we do make it more serious then ive got to take into consideration the fact that she probably isnt gonna have kids again and ive not had any of my own which she is worried about. I guess normally it would be too soon to speak about these things but in her situation I guess I would like to know as well. At least it explains why ive noticed things have been a bit different lately. Not bad or anything, just a bit different. All I can do is reassure her and show her that im serious about her. Were both feeling a whole lot better about where we stand now so fingers crossed. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks again for the tips, advice and insight into a similar situation, it has really helped Nice one mate. I hope it all works well for you pal. It seems that you guys are able to talk things through which bodes well for the future!! Always here on or on pm if you wanna chat about things in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villapark1 Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Hey everyone. Could someone please give me some advise what happens when you get divorsed? Unfortunatley it looks like myself and my wife have come to the end of the road, I have tried really hard to make things work. she just doesnt seem interested anymore. We have been together for 17 years (8 of them married) and we have been in our house for the last 11 years. Like I said, I have done everything I can to make things work, she just doesnt show any respect for me or signs of wanting to be with me anymore. We never do anything together (not for the want of me trying) and very rarely have in depth conversation. I have always paid for everything, she has had a part time job for the last 5 years and I let her keep her wages for her to do as she likes, I pay for the mortgage, bills, and everything else. We dont have any debt (apart from the remainder of our mortgage) and have a fair bit of capital in the bank due to me being sensible with money over the years. The last 5 years I have spent a massive amount of money on the house and would really like to keep it due to all my hard work. We have 2 children (15 and 9 years of age) and would always make sure they are fully looked after. But like I said, I really want to keep the house and buy her out if I can?. I suppose what im asking is can this be done without getting the courts involved? My understanding of it is, if we can come to an amicable agreement then the court will go with it. But some people I have spoken to say that I will loose everything because there are children involved, and that my missus will get to keep the house and kids and I will still have to pay for the mortgage? Is that correct? I certainly wouldn't be able to afford paying the mortgage and rent on another property at the same time. But also know she wouldn't be able to pay for the mortgage let alone all the bills aswell. At present I have told her that I don't want a battle through the courts, and did not want to put the kids through anymore pain that it is already going to be. I have told her we can split all of our savings (which I saved for our future) 50/50 and I will take a loan or remortgage to buy her out 50% of the remaining mortgage. This seems resonable to me as she has never paid anything into the house or brought anything for it. Can anyone advise me (if anyone has had a similar experience) please. Your input on this situation would be greatly appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ME Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 So, recently split with the long-term girlfriend and I'm losing my head! Constantly looking at my phone, checking facebook... everything I possibly can do, just waiting for her to text! I'm probably going OTT, does anybody have any advice/past experience on how to deal with this sort of thing?It's like the advice for mourning: Be not alone, be not idle. Sitting around on your own is the path to misery. Doing heaps of stuff with mates is the path to recovery. You could also consider following rjw's timeless advice for all situations and simply DHUTWU. It will be tempting to lay in bed or sit around hoping and waiting. I understand that hope sometimes can fool you into unrealistic expectations. And being with friends isn't the easiest if it's all you think about. But the advice given to you IS the best advice to give. Do whatever you can to stay occupied. Go out more, or get a hobby...,even working more will keep you distracted long enough for the toughest part to be over. There is no time limit on it. I'm sorry about that fact. Just make sure when you are feeling really low that you talk to someone. Don't keep it all to yourself. Get it out of you so you can move on from it. I hope things get better for you sooner rather than later. But they will get better. Also, DHUTWU is sound advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irreverentad Posted March 17, 2012 Author Share Posted March 17, 2012 Hey everyone. Could someone please give me some advise what happens when you get divorsed? Unfortunatley it looks like myself and my wife have come to the end of the road, I have tried really hard to make things work. she just doesnt seem interested anymore. We have been together for 17 years (8 of them married) and we have been in our house for the last 11 years. Like I said, I have done everything I can to make things work, she just doesnt show any respect for me or signs of wanting to be with me anymore. We never do anything together (not for the want of me trying) and very rarely have in depth conversation. I have always paid for everything, she has had a part time job for the last 5 years and I let her keep her wages for her to do as she likes, I pay for the mortgage, bills, and everything else. We dont have any debt (apart from the remainder of our mortgage) and have a fair bit of capital in the bank due to me being sensible with money over the years. The last 5 years I have spent a massive amount of money on the house and would really like to keep it due to all my hard work. We have 2 children (15 and 9 years of age) and would always make sure they are fully looked after. But like I said, I really want to keep the house and buy her out if I can?. I suppose what im asking is can this be done without getting the courts involved? My understanding of it is, if we can come to an amicable agreement then the court will go with it. But some people I have spoken to say that I will loose everything because there are children involved, and that my missus will get to keep the house and kids and I will still have to pay for the mortgage? Is that correct? I certainly wouldn't be able to afford paying the mortgage and rent on another property at the same time. But also know she wouldn't be able to pay for the mortgage let alone all the bills aswell. At present I have told her that I don't want a battle through the courts, and did not want to put the kids through anymore pain that it is already going to be. I have told her we can split all of our savings (which I saved for our future) 50/50 and I will take a loan or remortgage to buy her out 50% of the remaining mortgage. This seems resonable to me as she has never paid anything into the house or brought anything for it. Can anyone advise me (if anyone has had a similar experience) please. Your input on this situation would be greatly appreciated. Wow firstly, I can see why things went bad. There seems to be a lot of blame and resentment (in bold)!!! You seem to hold a fair bit against her. But I am only hearing one side so it maybe 2 way. If you bought her out and she moved out where would your kids go? Citezens Advice would be the best place to start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legov Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Hey everyone. Could someone please give me some advise what happens when you get divorsed? Unfortunatley it looks like myself and my wife have come to the end of the road, I have tried really hard to make things work. she just doesnt seem interested anymore. We have been together for 17 years (8 of them married) and we have been in our house for the last 11 years. Like I said, I have done everything I can to make things work, she just doesnt show any respect for me or signs of wanting to be with me anymore. We never do anything together (not for the want of me trying) and very rarely have in depth conversation. I have always paid for everything, she has had a part time job for the last 5 years and I let her keep her wages for her to do as she likes, I pay for the mortgage, bills, and everything else. We dont have any debt (apart from the remainder of our mortgage) and have a fair bit of capital in the bank due to me being sensible with money over the years. The last 5 years I have spent a massive amount of money on the house and would really like to keep it due to all my hard work. We have 2 children (15 and 9 years of age) and would always make sure they are fully looked after. But like I said, I really want to keep the house and buy her out if I can?. I suppose what im asking is can this be done without getting the courts involved? My understanding of it is, if we can come to an amicable agreement then the court will go with it. But some people I have spoken to say that I will loose everything because there are children involved, and that my missus will get to keep the house and kids and I will still have to pay for the mortgage? Is that correct? I certainly wouldn't be able to afford paying the mortgage and rent on another property at the same time. But also know she wouldn't be able to pay for the mortgage let alone all the bills aswell. At present I have told her that I don't want a battle through the courts, and did not want to put the kids through anymore pain that it is already going to be. I have told her we can split all of our savings (which I saved for our future) 50/50 and I will take a loan or remortgage to buy her out 50% of the remaining mortgage. This seems resonable to me as she has never paid anything into the house or brought anything for it. Can anyone advise me (if anyone has had a similar experience) please. Your input on this situation would be greatly appreciated. Wow firstly, I can see why things went bad. There seems to be a lot of blame and resentment (in bold)!!! You seem to hold a fair bit against her. But I am only hearing one side so it maybe 2 way. If you bought her out and she moved out where would your kids go? Citezens Advice would be the best place to start. My god, that sounds eerily familiar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lapal_fan Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Sound like a bit of a control freak villapark1, no offence. Have you openly discussed a divorce with your wife - or is this the first time you've put you're feeling out there? I'm certainly no expert but you have to do things the right way, even more so because of your kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonic_bouma Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 So, recently split with the long-term girlfriend and I'm losing my head! Constantly looking at my phone, checking facebook... everything I possibly can do, just waiting for her to text! I'm probably going OTT, does anybody have any advice/past experience on how to deal with this sort of thing? It's like the advice for mourning: Be not alone, be not idle. Sitting around on your own is the path to misery. Doing heaps of stuff with mates is the path to recovery. You could also consider following rjw's timeless advice for all situations and simply DHUTWU. although i ended things with my ex i still found it hard...she's done you a favour by deleting her facebook....its possibly the worse invention for tough break ups..... i deleted my ex and people i'd met through her because i knew that every photo that was posted of her i would analyse and i knew i would use it as an easy way to see what she was up to, but all that would do is prolong the healing process. I even had to sacrificed a good friend (she was best mates with his wife) to make sure we were not in each others lives any more and although it was tough it massively helped. The best advice has been given..its vital to keep yourself busy...particularly in the early stages....see mates...throw youself into work more than normal and talk to girls on a night out..even if its just a bit of friendly banter.. after about 6 months i started to realise that the relationship was never going to work and we wern't right...it may not feel like it now but you will feel the same eventually.. Chin up (as a plan Z maybe you can take pleasure in Villa's performances ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CI Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 VillaPark1, probably best to get a lawyer The law is stacked against dads when it comes to divorce and I think you have to pay for the kids til they are 18 If you can work something out with your wife then good but keep in mind that she may keep moving the goal posts and keep asking for more and more, hence the need for a lawyer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villapark1 Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Hey everyone. Could someone please give me some advise what happens when you get divorsed? Unfortunatley it looks like myself and my wife have come to the end of the road, I have tried really hard to make things work. she just doesnt seem interested anymore. We have been together for 17 years (8 of them married) and we have been in our house for the last 11 years. Like I said, I have done everything I can to make things work, she just doesnt show any respect for me or signs of wanting to be with me anymore. We never do anything together (not for the want of me trying) and very rarely have in depth conversation. I have always paid for everything, she has had a part time job for the last 5 years and I let her keep her wages for her to do as she likes, I pay for the mortgage, bills, and everything else. We dont have any debt (apart from the remainder of our mortgage) and have a fair bit of capital in the bank due to me being sensible with money over the years. The last 5 years I have spent a massive amount of money on the house and would really like to keep it due to all my hard work. We have 2 children (15 and 9 years of age) and would always make sure they are fully looked after. But like I said, I really want to keep the house and buy her out if I can?. I suppose what im asking is can this be done without getting the courts involved? My understanding of it is, if we can come to an amicable agreement then the court will go with it. But some people I have spoken to say that I will loose everything because there are children involved, and that my missus will get to keep the house and kids and I will still have to pay for the mortgage? Is that correct? I certainly wouldn't be able to afford paying the mortgage and rent on another property at the same time. But also know she wouldn't be able to pay for the mortgage let alone all the bills aswell. At present I have told her that I don't want a battle through the courts, and did not want to put the kids through anymore pain that it is already going to be. I have told her we can split all of our savings (which I saved for our future) 50/50 and I will take a loan or remortgage to buy her out 50% of the remaining mortgage. This seems resonable to me as she has never paid anything into the house or brought anything for it. Can anyone advise me (if anyone has had a similar experience) please. Your input on this situation would be greatly appreciated. Wow firstly, I can see why things went bad. There seems to be a lot of blame and resentment (in bold)!!! You seem to hold a fair bit against her. But I am only hearing one side so it maybe 2 way. If you bought her out and she moved out where would your kids go? Citezens Advice would be the best place to start. Firstly, I can see why you may think that based on my post. But you are wrong. I dont hold anything against her, just trying to point out the facts. I see it as my duty to supply and provide for my family. But my point is, why should I bother when she cant show me any affection or respect? Realationship are based around working together as a team, and she doesnt contribute anything to our relationship. I havent got a problem in working and ploughing all my money into the family, as I have stated I see it as my duty. But we never do anything as a family, we never go out together because she "cant be arsed" and just wants to sit at home watching TV of an evening. When I say I have worked really hard on the house, I meant that literally. I would come home from work and get straight on with decorating, the last 2 years have seen me completley revamp the house. Spending alot of our hard earned cash to do so. I just wanted some advise about what the Law is if we do split, As i would really like to keep the house as I am sure someone on hear must have been in a similar situation. I was kinda hoping for some advise rather than you people making assumptions and calling me a control freak!. as I am not. I just wanted a happy family where we do things together, maybe go out on a saturday evening and enjoy each others company. Surely thats what marrages and families or about no? If my wife is not interested in any of that how can we call ourselves a family if we never do anything together. Its more like a friendship than a marriage. When I said I have tried everything I meant that in a positive way. I have found time for the family, I have made every effort to make things work. I dont go out a get rat-arsed and spunk loads of cash on crap like most blokes, I help out around the house etc so she doesnt feel that I am taking advantage of her. I know alot of woman moan about how lazy their blokes are and all they are interseted in is beer and sport. I am not like that and try to make life as easy as possible for her because it should be a team effort. I was looking for some advise, rather than people jumping to the wrong conclusion and making assumptions. I have declared I would like the kids to stay with me in the family home, or they could leave with her if she found another place. At the end of the day the kids are the most important in this and dont want them to go through more than they have to. Would you not be slightly resentful if you hard tried so hard to make things work only for your wife to show no respect of affection for you? As I have stated, relationship are a team effort aren't they? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CI Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 If you split I think she's more likely to get the house, kids, dog, etc etc and you'll have to move out and pay her maintenance If you've been paying for everything then you may have set a dangerous precedent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mjvilla Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 Wow, here I am moaning about splitting up with my mrs when villapark1 comes out with all that. kind of puts things into perspective. For me, at least, there arent kids involved and a mortgage to worry about. fortunately, although we were trying for kids, we dont have kids to involve in it. Unfortuntaely though, i logged onto facebook this morning to see shes back on there and so are all the pictures of us together! went and played football, had a shocker and got beat 4-0!! Not ideal. Little steps though, and at least i got out and played football. I'll get there... just like the rest of ya! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyM3000 Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 If you split I think she's more likely to get the house, kids, dog, etc etc and you'll have to move out and pay her maintenance If you've been paying for everything then you may have set a dangerous precedent If this is true then its crazy. I have no intention to ever get married, I dont see the point. You gain nothing from it and if it fails you end up in a situation like this. Bollocks to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brommy Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 If you split I think she's more likely to get the house, kids, dog, etc etc and you'll have to move out and pay her maintenance If you've been paying for everything then you may have set a dangerous precedent If this is true then its crazy. I have no intention to ever get married, I dont see the point. You gain nothing from it and if it fails you end up in a situation like this. Bollocks to that. I think it's the same if your not married but have been living together aka common-law spouse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted March 19, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted March 19, 2012 So if she pays into the house she's due "half of it" or whatever because she's contributed. But if you pay everything, you've set a precedent so she's due half anyway because she's used to it? Women are **** shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b6bloke Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 This situation with the divorce is common but has always played on my mind and as shallow as it sounds I always had this in the back of my mind when look for a GF, she had to own her own property. I can see why the law is how it is but how on earth can you afford to keep her in the same lifestyle and be able to live yourself! I dont know the law but would be interested to find out. I know your relationship has broken down but can it be ended in a way which has a minmal detrimental effect on you, your wife and your kids? I moved in with my ex and payed my way but I kept my house as pension more than anything, when it went tits up after 5 years I was told I was entitled to some money from what I had put into the house as I had paid towards refurbishment things. The way I saw it was that I still had my house so didnt take a thing as I could move back into mine. Its the same wwith my present gf too in that I still have my house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tinker Posted March 19, 2012 VT Supporter Share Posted March 19, 2012 If you split I think she's more likely to get the house, kids, dog, etc etc and you'll have to move out and pay her maintenance If you've been paying for everything then you may have set a dangerous precedent If this is true then its crazy. I have no intention to ever get married, I dont see the point. You gain nothing from it and if it fails you end up in a situation like this. Bollocks to that. I think it's the same if your not married but have been living together aka common-law spouse. It's not the same, its just a very common misconception that it is. The cold hard facts are....dont get married, get your name on ant childrens birth certificates but dont get married. Divorce is very expensive for the bread winner, especially if children are involved. She keeps the house until the kids leave full time education, You pay for her to live in the same lifestyle as she is used to. Half your pension earnt while you were together goes to her Seek legal advice you can trust, especially if you have lots of equity in your house/ savings. A bad one will see you are both solvent and take 30% for themselves, she get 75% of whats left (her and 2 kids) and you wil get 25% Do not the leave the house, stay there and live a seperate life until the kids leave home and or education is my short term simple advice. Anyone whos not married....dont do it! Go on world cruise, buy a nice car instead, its a piece of paper and a nice day out at the end of the day, if it goes wrong its a **** nightmare. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CI Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 The other option is draw up a pre-nup They are no longer just for A list celebs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brommy Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 If you split I think she's more likely to get the house, kids, dog, etc etc and you'll have to move out and pay her maintenance If you've been paying for everything then you may have set a dangerous precedent If this is true then its crazy. I have no intention to ever get married, I dont see the point. You gain nothing from it and if it fails you end up in a situation like this. Bollocks to that. I think it's the same if your not married but have been living together aka common-law spouse. It's not the same, its just a very common misconception that it is. The cold hard facts are....dont get married, get your name on ant childrens birth certificates but dont get married. Divorce is very expensive for the bread winner, especially if children are involved. She keeps the house until the kids leave full time education, You pay for her to live in the same lifestyle as she is used to. Half your pension earnt while you were together goes to her Seek legal advice you can trust, especially if you have lots of equity in your house/ savings. A bad one will see you are both solvent and take 30% for themselves, she get 75% of whats left (her and 2 kids) and you wil get 25% Do not the leave the house, stay there and live a seperate life until the kids leave home and or education is my short term simple advice. Anyone whos not married....dont do it! Go on world cruise, buy a nice car instead, its a piece of paper and a nice day out at the end of the day, if it goes wrong its a **** nightmare. You say it's a misconception and that it's okay to put your name on kids birth certificates but not get married. Surely once you've got kids you'll be liable for maintenance and for keeping them in a suitable home, so how does that vary whether married or not? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyM3000 Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Anyone whos not married....dont do it! Go on world cruise, buy a nice car instead, its a piece of paper and a nice day out at the end of the day, if it goes wrong its a **** nightmare. That was my plan anyway if I ever had a decent amount of cash. If I am loaded I wouldn't mind getting married, but if divorce means the difference between me living in comfort and struggling then I wouldn't consider it in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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