Kalim_a Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 glad u like them guys, i was bored and wanted some humor.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 Hey Kalim, whilst on the subject of wheelie bins............ A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheely-bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the Jappy chappy. "Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the rubbish collector guy. "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood the garbo smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?" "I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man "Mate" says the garbo... "You're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheely-Bin?" "Ok!" "Ok!" , says the Jap, "I wheely bin having wank..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 hahah class Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 The oldies are the best hey Rantin? Must've heard that one a good decade ago That's not olden, it's golden Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnCresswell Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 When walking home late at night always go past the supermarket. Why? Because it is the safeway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 Crissy...come up with something funny plz.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 i liked it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avfc102001 Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 Ok 100th post so I’m gonna celebrate my call up to the first team with a joke. There are two old people in an old peoples home, an old woman and an old man. After a visit from the doctor the old woman turns to the old man and says. ‘I’ve got acute angina you know’. To which the old man replies, ‘your tits ain’t bad either’. I just like to say to the press that now I have made my 1st team debut I’d like to declare my intentions to stay in the 1st team and save the moderates massive amounts of money in transfer fees of posters from other boards. Home grown talent like me is the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her." "Was it Cathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dale Posted May 21, 2004 Share Posted May 21, 2004 @ Kalim... england join up for their first Euro 2004 training session when Sven notices shit on the pitch he turns to the squad and says "who's shit on the pitch" Emile Heskey raises his hand and sayus "me, but I am good in the air" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted May 26, 2004 Moderator Share Posted May 26, 2004 History Lessons-This will make u laugh out loud! The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on tv now. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. when she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost Since then no one ever found it. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A h orse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it. - -------------------------------------------------------------------- Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexicon Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 funny stuff LV Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted May 26, 2004 Moderator Share Posted May 26, 2004 Made me chuckle.... Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour. The following are planned for release next year... * 9½ Leeks * Trefforest Gump * Cwmando * The Lost Boyos * An American Werewolf in Powys * Huw Dares Gwyneth * Dai Hard * The Wizard of Oswestry * Cool Hand Look-you * Sheepless in Seattle * The Eagle has Llandudno * The Magnificent Severn * Haverfordwest Was Won * Austin Powys * The Magic Rhonddabout * Independence Dai * The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time forgot * Seven Brides from Seven Sisters * Welsh Connection * Welsh Connection II * The Bridge on the River Wye * Lawrence of Llandybie * A Beautiful Mind-you * The Welsh Patient * The King and Mair * The Sheepshag Redemption * Breakfast at Taffynys * Look You Back in Bangor * Evans Can Wait * A Fishguard Called Rhondda * Where Eagles Aberdare * Dial M For Merthyr Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 Good stuff Lancs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 2 women walk into a bar, one turns to the other "i'm glad we've managed to crack into this male dominated genre of joke" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgowVilla Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 LV, you forgot Porthmadog and glory i'll get my coat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 fortune teller .... this is really freaky!!!! http://www.fhm.com/img/mailout/img/nov15/test.htm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 Love these little johnny jokes...... Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, "Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," he says "if ones shot the others would fly away." "Actually", said the teacher "the answer was two, but I like the way you think." The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, "Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?" "Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?", the teacher asks" "Actually" said Timmy " it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 Sheer class... Superman was flying around thinking, "I need a shag". The Man of Steel was passing over Gotham City when he saw Batman, so he flew down for some advice. "Hey Bats, who's a good shag?" Batman replied, "Well Supe, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comic-land, why don't you try her?" "I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her" "Damn shame," said Batman, and waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off. Ten minutes later he was flying low over a city when he saw Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop. He flew down. "Hey Spidey, I'm cruisin' for a bonk, who's the best shag in comic-land?" “Hey, Big S, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best shag in comic-land, why don't you try her?" "Well we are sort of friends," he said, "but I didn't realise she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration. Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. "Goddamn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression. "What the **** was that?" she exclaimed. "I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "But my arse is killing me." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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