WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Kalim_a]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.

After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.

Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve,

this perfect couple was driving

their perfect car along a winding road,

when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,

the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and

the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in

the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such

thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must

have been

driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this

illustrates another point:

Women never listen.

[Kalim_a]

Indian mum...

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl

roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.

Love, Mom.

lesson of the day

... Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is Indian!!!!!

[Kalim_a]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy and tell him it'll be a hundred bucks.

If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?"

She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "****. All I've got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

Harry says, "A handjob."

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says, "Okay."

She gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE PENIS.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"

[Kalim_a]

An American, a Brit and an Iraqi are in a bar one night having a beer. The Yankee drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the States our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice.

" The Brit obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Britain we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

"The Iraqi, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the American and the Brit. He says "In Baghdad we have so many Americans and Brits that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

[Kalim_a]

John and Paul fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money, all

together they managed to scrape together a staggering 50

pence. John said:

'Hang on I have got an idea' - went to the next butchers shop and came out with one large Cumberland Sausage.

Paul: 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all'

John: 'Don't worry - just follow me' and went into the next

pub where he immediately ordered two pints and two large Jack Daniel's'.

Paul: 'Now you have lost it - do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

John: 'Don't' worry - I have got a plan - Cheers'

They had their drinks and John said: 'OK, I will now stick

the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth'

Said and done - the landlord noticed it - went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free.

At the 10th pub Paul said: ' Mate - I don't think I can continue this any longer - I am p*ssed and my knees are killing me'

John: 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub.'

[Kalim_a]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by

cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could

live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go

to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So

all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten

apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to

shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your

face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out

in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the

king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this

should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the

ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one

asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The

second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy

coming with pineapples."

[Kalim_a]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion

for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an

embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met

a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would

marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the

marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme

sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his

birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.

Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her

that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way

home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked

beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk

he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.

It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and

before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he

felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed

somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most

wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a

blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the

table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was

beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was

about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again

made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she

went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the

opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was

not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time

breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about

him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came

on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel

engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he

tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would

dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon

winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a

minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells

he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top

of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when

his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if

he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not

peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated

around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Kalim_a]

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe

rolling a joint. The rabbit said, "Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come, run with me

through the forest." The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the

joint.He dropped the joint and ran off with the rabbit.

They came upon an elephant snorting cocaine. The Rabbit said,

"Elephant, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." The

elephant looked at his razor blade, mirror and lines. He then tossed them away and

began running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up. The

Rabbit said, "Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the

forest." The lion looked at the rabbit and then at

the needle. He put down the Needle and started to beat up the rabbit.

Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "Lion, why are you doing

this? He was trying to help you." The lion answered, "This little

f*cker? He makes me run around the forest like a **** idiot every time he's

on ecstasy!

[Kalim_a]

Two bored casino workers are working at the craps table. An attractive blonde

woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you dont mind, but I feel much luckier when im completely nude."

With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on baby,

mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals...

"Yes! Yes! I Won! I Won"

She hugs each othe dealers, then picks up her winnings and her clothes and

quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

The other answers, "I dont know - I thought you was watching."

MORAL: NOT ALL BLONDES ARE DUMB, BUT ALL MEN ARE MEN.

[Kalim_a]

You gotta love this:

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped! To the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!".

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."

He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.

His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.........................................$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...........................................................$3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui......................................................$8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10

glossy of the bride humping the best man ............................................................................ Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MasterCard

[Kalim_a]

A little boy walked into his mom and dads room while they were

fighting. The dad yelled, "You bitch!" And the mom screamed,

"You bastard!" And the little boy said, "Mommy, Daddy what does

that mean???" And the parents replied "Um...ladies and

gentlemen." And with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

The next night the parents were really horny, the dad said "Nice

tits!" And the mom, "Nice dick!" And the little boy ran into the

room and asked, "Mommy, Daddy what does that mean???" "Um...hats

and coats." And with that answer the little boy ran back to bed.

The next day was Thanksgiving and all of the relatives were

going to be eating and celebrating at the little boys house. The

little boy was on his way up the stairs and ran into the

bathroom. When he swung the door open it hit his dad's elbow,

(the dad was shaving and he cut himself) "Shit!" He bellowed.

"Daddy what does that mean???" "Um, it is the name of the

shaving cream that I'm using, now run downstairs and see what

your mom is doing." And with that the little boy did as he was

told. Meanwhile his mom was slicing the turkey, and she

accidentally put her finger in the wrong place. "****!" She

hollered and the little boy said , "Mommy, what does that

mean???" "Um, it means I'm cutting the turkey."

DING-DONG the door bell rang and the little boy scampered off to

answer it saying: "Hello all of you bitches and bastards, hang

up your titties and dicks. Dad's up stairs whipping the shit off

of his face and mom's in the kitchen **** the turkey!"

[gregavfc]

http://www.fhm.com/img/mailout/img/nov15/test.htm

Kalim- that is sheer class!!!

[mattavfc]

That is great!

[lexicon]

http://www.fhm.com/img/mailout/img/nov15/test.htm

very true

[gregavfc]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

[gregavfc]

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[gregavfc]

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

[gregavfc]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[gregavfc]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

[gregavfc]

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''