gregavfc Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 hehe go for it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? A: Give him a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 or Did you hear about the stupid tap dancer? He fell in the sink! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 A horse walks into a bar, barman asks, "Why the long face?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 first was piss-poor. second was genius Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 A horse walks into a bar, barman asks, "Why the long face?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hampshirevillain Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths. this dangerous practice has become known as.........WAIT FOR IT.........WAIT FOR IT......... E by gum!! Sorry, I've been drunk since Saturday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject ecstasy directly into their mouths. this dangerous practice has become known as.........WAIT FOR IT.........WAIT FOR IT......... E by gum!! Sorry, I've been drunk since Saturday. Excellent, i'll be stealing that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the congregation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have on of those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says "I just won $50,000" Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?" The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go **** yourself!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 The lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed. Their bodies fused together as they gyrated and panted. Then, suddenly the woman cocked her ear. "Quick, my husband is coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom," she cried. The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" He asked. "Darling, I heard you coming up the driveway and got ready to receive you." She replied with a wink and a smile. "Great" he said, "I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes." She panicked. Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom. He found a man clapping his hands together in mid air. Dumfounded, he asked, "Who the devil are you?" "I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." The lover replied. The husband yelled, "But you've got no clothes on!!!" The lover looked down at his body, jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexicon Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 moths and bullets - absolute quality Kalim! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Two little brothers, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'." All excited about their plan, they trooped downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 a man comes homa after a hard days work, lookin forward to relaxin. he purs himself a glass of wine, eats a delicious home cooked meal nade by his wife and goes upstairs to their bedrom where they have separate beds. his wife followhs him up minutes later. ''honey woney'', the man says, ''i jus wana fank u for sucha wonderful meal! i am blessed to have a wife such as you.'' he then turns out the light and tries to sleep. after several mins he finds he cnt nod off. ''sweety pie?'' he calls out ,''i'm lonely.'' his wife gets outta bed and makes her way across the room. but she slips, falls, and bangs her nose. ''did my hunnny bunny hurt her nosey wosey?'' the man asks as his wife climbs into bed with him. there follows a three hour session of hardcore sex. ehen the couple have finsihed, the wife heads back over to her own bed, and as she goes she slips up a second time. ''Clumsy Bitch,'' the man mutters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy." "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven." Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning." Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 A Jewish couple have a Son who is a bit troublesome: at age five he starts in school, and pretty soon, his parents get to hear that things aren't going well. After a couple of months, they are asked to "take him out of school", since he is not setting a good example to the other Jewish children. Things go from bad to worse: after only a month in reform school he's thrown out again, and even the state correction center can't deal with him. Eventually, in desparation, the parents take him to the only place left: a local Catholic school. The don't hear anything concerning his performance, no reports of trouble, but their curiosity is really aroused when he comes home at the end of the term with a report card showing three B's and the rest A's. Things continue in the same vein, and at the end of the second term, he's running straight A's, and by the end of the school year, his performance has been so good that he is head of the class list. His mother taks him aside and asks, "What's going on? We send you to your own people, and they throw you out. The reform school can't deal with you, and even the state correction center wasn't enough. But now, with these Catholics, you're getting the best grades ever." "Well momma," says the boy "I wasn't too bothered by those other places, but the first thing I see when I go into that Catholic school is a Jewish kid nailed to a cross. I know when to back down...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted May 18, 2004 Moderator Share Posted May 18, 2004 quiet day Kalim_a, I've not had chance to read all these yet but they are good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Nice to see some people having productive days. My favourite would have to be the bullet joke, good work Kalim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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