WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Guest RantinRob]

here's another............

Two blokes are down the pub. As usual the subject gets onto sex. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life mate?" "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half way through."

The first bloke says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I fired the pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago." The other bloke says, "OK, I think I'll try that."

A few days later they're back in the pub again. The first bloke says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other bloke says, "**** mate! Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having sex in the 69 position. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said."

The first bloke says, "So, what happened?" The other bloke says, "She nearly bit my cock off, shat in my face, and a man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!"

[LancsVillan]

class RR pure class

[Kalim_a]

Excellent rob, excellent

[Guest]

Brilliant, Rob!

[Dale]

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

FR: MANAGEMENT

RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity

from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well

trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone

else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. in the job,

please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of

the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing

that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL

EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to

take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE

TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't

have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training

others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST

(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and

can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.

S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF

TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

[BillyShears]

Hope this is not too sick:

A paedophile is walking hand in hand with a little boy into some woods. The little boy looks up at the man and says, "It's getting really dark in here". The man looks down and says, "It's alright for you, I have to go back on my own".

[gregavfc]

I laughed Billy!

[Guest]

Crudely funny!

[3_Penny_Opera]

Not trying to get political (as I've done enough of that for two years in this site already), but I thought this illustration of George Bush's ignorance by our former Treasury Secretary was pretty damn funny!

George Bush's thought process by Paul O'Neill-

"The only way I can describe it is that, well, the President is like a blind man in a roomful of deaf people. There is no discernible connection."

[LancsVillan]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wings struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare. Eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. She gasps...

He whispers, "Iron this -- and then get me a fu**ing beer."

[Kalim_a]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks..

"What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see." replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

[Kalim_a]

This actually happened at Harvard University in October 2 years ago...

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

[Guest RantinRob]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard - here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, " What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

[gregavfc]

[gregavfc]

A man stands under a tyre... he says "I'm feeling under pressure today"

[mattavfc]

Good old daft jokes!

[gregavfc]

i was expecting groans for that!

[ligs]

A man walks into a bar.........................."ouch"

[gregavfc]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

[mattavfc]

I know if i put a daft joke, I'm jus gonna be moaned at!