gregavfc Posted May 29, 2004 Share Posted May 29, 2004 Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. ''Why?'' he asks. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?'' ''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyShears Posted May 29, 2004 Share Posted May 29, 2004 A bit of schoolboy humour: A bloke walks int a pub with a big L painted on his left wellie and a big R painted on his right wellie. The barmaid asks why he has the letters on his wellies and he tells her it's so he knows which foot to put them on. "Oh", she says, "so that's why there's a tag with C&A inside my knickers" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 30, 2004 Share Posted May 30, 2004 I liked that one Billy! A bit of a crap one here (and don't hurt me for it!) What goes "zzub"? A bee flying backwards Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 There once were these three guys who died and went to hell. The first guy was a drunk. The second guy was a player and the third was a pot-head. When the three guys ended up in hell they begged and pleaded with the devil ti spare them. The devil said," I will allow you all to be locked in a room for 1,000 years with anything you want. However you may not come out for those 1,000 years." The guys thought that this was great! So the drunk says to the devil," I want to be locked in a room with all the beer in the world!" So the drunk was put into a room for a 1,000 years with all the beer in the world. Then the player says tothe devil," I want to be locked in a room with all the women in the world!" So the devil lockes him in a room for 1,000 years with all the women in the world. Then the pot-head says to the devil," I want to be locked in a room with all the pot in the world!!!!". So sure enough the devil locks him up with all the pot in the world for 1,000 years. So 1,000 years go by and the devil unlocks the rooms. The first room is the drunk mans room. when the devil opens it the drunk says," Urgh. I never want to see beer again!!!". then the devil moves on and opens theplayers door. when he opens the door the player says," Man i hate women! All they do is complain and bitch about shit!! i never want to see women again!!!" then the devil moves on to the next door, wich is the pot-heads door. the devil opends it and sees the the pot un smoked. then in the middle of the room is the pot-head, crying. the guy looks at the devil and says,"Got a light?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes." Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't touching it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Nicked this off the OS message board, Not the funniest joke in the world, but i like it! On the sixth day whilst God was busy creating the world Angel Gabriel asked why he did not create it like heaven where everyone was happy and nobody was sad. God's reply was "Well Gabriel I created the world on the philosophy that all things would be balanced as is the struggle between good and evil, where there is sucess you will have failure, where there is joy the will be sadness and so on" "For example Take North America, full of rich people with no fear of every going hungry and then you have South America, rife with poverty and hunger" "I see" replys Gabriel "Another good example is North Korea, here the people are oppressed and ruled by a ruthless dictatorship, where as in South Korea, the people enjoy freedom and prosperity. In the Middle East they will have lots of desert but from these deserts there will be oil which will compensate for all the sand" "I believe that where there is good there is evil, where their is happiness it is equaled by pain" "You have hurricanes and floods in places where there is sunshine and tropical paradises" Then Angel Gabriel looked down at Villa Park and siad "What about this place God?" God replied "Thats one of my favourites, here the people of Birmingham and beyond will watch masters play the beautiful game on this hallowed ground steeped in a rich history of footballing legend and they will acheive great things and the world will marvel into the ages at the name Aston Villa FC" Gabriel then asked "What about the balance?" God retorted "Wait until you see the w a n k e r s I put next door to them!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 I have a horrible suspicion this one was written about Herbert........ An 80 year old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at his shape. "To what do you attribute your good health?" The man answered, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in good shape. Get up before daylight, chase turkeys up and down mountains." The doctor says, "Well, I'm sure it helps, but there have to be genetic factors. How old was your dad when he died?" "Who says my dad's dead?" "You're 80 years old and your dad's alive? How old is he?" "Dad's 100. In fact, he turkey hunted with me this morning." "What about your dad's dad - how old was he when he died?" "Who says my grandpa's dead?" "You're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living? How old is he?" "118." "I suppose you're going to tell me he went turkey hunting this morning?" "No. He got married." The doctor looks at the man in amazement. "Got married? Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?" The old-timer answers, "Who says he wanted to?" :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Another daft one.... What do you call a Boomerang that dont come back? A Stick (sorry) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 lol i liked it matt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Cheers, Steve Bruce was cleaning out his office when he found an old lamp. He gave ut a wipe and out popped a Genie-who granted him one wish. "I'd like to build a bridge from St. Andrews to my house", he says. "Oh no," says the Genie,"you'll have to choose something easier." "Okay, can you make Emile Heskey score 20 goals a season?" asks Bruce. Quick as a flash the Genie replies: "So what colour do you want this bridge, then? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 While I'm on a role, not really jokes, but quite funny i think: THINGS I HATE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fu*king right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No ***, I paid £5 to come to the cinema and stare at the **** floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short". What the ***?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever **** does!! What can you do that's longer? 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, nobhead? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 (sorry about the double post) How about this one? Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams.The first one asks, "Oh Lord when will England next win the World Cup?" God Replies, "In the next five years." "But I'll be dead by then," says the man. The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Forest next win the European Cup?" The Good Lord - answers, "In the next ten years." "But I'll be dead by then," says the man. The third one asks, "Oh Lord when will Blose win the Premier League?". God answers, "I'll be dead by then!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 keep em coming! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 As you wish, Mrs Bruce comes home from being at the doctor and says to potato head "the doctor says I have the t*ts and a"se of an 18 year old!" Potato head says "Oh yeah and what did he say about your 40 year old word removed?" Mrs Bruce "Well he never mentioned you!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 5, 2004 Share Posted June 5, 2004 I love this one.... Why don't they serve Tea & coffee at St Andrews? Because the mugs are on the pitch & the cups are at Villa Park. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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