gregavfc Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special. Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird. Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it! Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish. Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish. Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a Villa fan, an Small Heathen, and a Baggie, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the Baggie, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The Baggie responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the Baggie has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the Baggie away, and say to the Small Heathen, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Nose, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the Villa Fan. He responds, "I'll take the Bluenose." Common sense :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make." "And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!" The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?" "I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement." "And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!" "You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?" "I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter. "An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make." "Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation. "Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!" "Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?" "I'm marrying John Motson!" "John Motson?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. "Certainly madam", he replied courteously. "Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary. "Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?" Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary. "Certainly madam," he replied. "And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?" "Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully. "Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist. "OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. "Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 the above joke is atrocious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 And the award for stinker of the year goes to.... :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 **** hell we really are scraping the barrell in a Cresswellian fashion :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 sorry lads. i thought they were funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 The Hills are alive and Mary Poppins ones have to be 2 of the most contrived jokes I've ever read. You could see them coming a mile off :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 Here's one for all our Australian contributors Two Indian families immigrate to Australia. The fathers of both families are keen to integrate into Australian society, so they decided to have a competition to see after one year who was more Australian. After one year they get together. The first guy goes "I'm so Australian, I own a house with a quarter acre block, I drink beer, I love vegemite, I smoke, I own a Holden and I'm about run down to the pub and put a bet on the horses and pick up another slab of beer!" To which the other replies "**** off you towel-head curry muncher." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TOTTI-THE-GOD Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 I think they prefer to be called Smirfs Rob ,lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexicon Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 Theres this couple that decided to remain celibate until they get married, a few days before the wedding the woman says to the man 'look, ive got a confession to make, im completely flatchested - ive been stuffing my bras all along', the man replies, 'well ive got a confession to im afraid.. im hung like a baby'. They both accept each other despite this, and decide to get married. On the wedding night they get back to the hotel room, and the woman strips off and sure enough, she is as flat as a female runner, while the man says 'hang on a second, im just going to get changed in the bathroom'. The man comes out a few minutes later, the woman sees him naked and just faints - he goes over, slaps her face a few times, throws a bit water on her and she wakes up. He says "why did you faint darling?" she says "because you said that you were hung like a baby, and your clearly not" he replies "but i am hung like a baby : 7 pounds 8 ounces" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 What do you call a frenchman in sandals? Phillippe Fellop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 lol Opens up a whole new genre of jokes. What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sister Matic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattavfc Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 Likin these Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy's cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man. The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?" The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 I'm certain someone else has already posted that one Kalim, still gets a chuckle every time though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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