gregavfc Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 lol I’ve got more where that came from. 2 sausages in a pan. One says to the other “It’s bloody hot in here!” The other replies “**** me a talking sausage!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyShears Posted April 27, 2004 Share Posted April 27, 2004 A bloke came in my local the other day, he reckoned he could tell different types of wood by their smell. So the landlord decided to put him to the test and the man agree to be blindfolded stating that he would correctly identify three different kinds of timber just by smelling them. The man was duly blindfolded and the landlord wafted an old oak drawer under his nose. "English Oak", said the man. The landlord was impressed, and deciding to make the man's task more difficult he placed a black piano key under his nose. "Ebony", stated the man. The landlord was determined to out do the stranger and grabbed the barmaid, turned her upside down, and stuffed her arse under his nose. "That's easy", said the man, "It's a shithouse door off a grimsby trawler". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 27, 2004 Moderator Share Posted April 27, 2004 Good one Billy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgowVilla Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 A couple were on a driving holiday through deepest Wales, and passed through the town named Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They were obviously having trouble trying to say the word and neither really knew the correct Welsh pronunciation. So, they decided to stop for lunch in the town, and maybe ask a local to say the name properly. As they sat in the restaurant, the husband leaned over to talk to a young blonde girl sitting at the next table. "Excuse me" said the man. "We were wondering if you could tell us the name of where we are. Could you pronounce it really slowly? Would you mind?" The young blonde looked at the man in a slightly bemused way, leaned over towards him and said... "Burrrrrr...Gurrrrrr...Kiiiiiinnng" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgowVilla Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 taken from some crazy chatroom Bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you. j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u. Bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure. j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go. j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck. Bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory. j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on. j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt. Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts. j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game. Bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They **** charge your ass. j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious. Bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass. Bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet. j_gurli3: thats it. Bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn. Bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dale Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". After this, you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a Shitt-Happens double ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Good one Dale! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 29, 2004 Moderator Share Posted April 29, 2004 To be read with a Scottish accent A Glesga Burd goes tae the social tae register fur child benefit. "How many children?" asks the civil servant "10" replies the girl. "10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?" "Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naw..." says the girl "its great because if thur oot playin in the street, ah jist huv tae shout ALEC, YER DINNER'S READY or ALEC, GO TO BED NOW 'n' they aw dae it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed civil servant. "'At's easy," says the girl... "Ah just use thur surnames" A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "Naw" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise." Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "Gies that rid yin" The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher." A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?" Girl: "OK" Medic: "What's your name?" Girl: "Morag." Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?" Morag: "Yes." Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?" Morag: "Springburn." A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!" "It's no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's f¬¬¬¬n' hunners argh! ..............thump!" Another Gelsga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed." Danielle: "Ok." Medic: "Ok then how many fingers am I putting up?" Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!" A Glesga burd and a Weegie guy are in a bar when the girl notices something strange about the Nikes the guy is wearing. She says, "Here mate, ah no' tryin tae take the pi>s ur any'hin lik' that, but how come you've goat an L oan wan ae yur gutties 'n' an R oan the other wan?" So the guy smiles, puts down his bottle of cider and replies,"Coz I'm a bit thick so Ah huv tae huv an L oan ma left fit 'n' R oan ma ma right wan." "F¬¬¬ sake" exclaims the girl "So thats how ma thongs've goat C&A oan thum!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted April 29, 2004 Moderator Share Posted April 29, 2004 These are as old as the hills but I'll put them up in case someone's been living in a cave for the last 6 years The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory. The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes. The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 300 Mb hard drive shrinks to 100 Mb, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 200 Mb. The Jack Kevorkian Virus - Deletes all old files. The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted. The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care. The Joey Buttafuoco Virus - Only attacks minor files. The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back. The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgowVilla Posted April 29, 2004 Share Posted April 29, 2004 That's like when Virgin tried to get into computing and released floppy disks. Trouble was, when you used them for the first time, they left bits of data scattered all over your drive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted April 30, 2004 Share Posted April 30, 2004 One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess." :shock: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted April 30, 2004 Moderator Share Posted April 30, 2004 It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted April 30, 2004 Share Posted April 30, 2004 One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess." :shock: I think lawro liked that one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan1985 Posted May 1, 2004 Share Posted May 1, 2004 Two boys were playing football in Birmingham when one of the boys was attacked by a huge Rottweiler. Thinking quickly the other boy ripped a plank of wood from a fence, forced it into the dogs collar twisted it round and breaks the dogs neck. A local newspaper reporter who witnessed the event rushed over to the two boys, took out his notepad and started writing, "Villa fan saves friend from vicious animal." "But i don't support Villa" said the small hero. The reporter crosses out his last headline and starts again. "Brave Wolves fan saves friend from horrific attack" "I'm not a Dingle fan either" says the young lad. "Well who do you support then?" asks the reporter. "birmingham city" replies the boy. the reporter starts writing again. "Bluenose bastard kills family pet" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dale Posted May 1, 2004 Share Posted May 1, 2004 ^^^ like it but didn't start off as a Manchester joke with scouce b*stard... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan1985 Posted May 1, 2004 Share Posted May 1, 2004 yeah I first heard it with Arsenal and Tottenham Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dale Posted May 4, 2004 Share Posted May 4, 2004 Q. Which is tthe odd one out: A Washing Machine, A television Or a woman A, The TV the others leak when they're **** Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dale Posted May 4, 2004 Share Posted May 4, 2004 Q. What do you do when your dishasher breaks down? A, Cheer her up and get her back to the sink :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregavfc Posted May 4, 2004 Share Posted May 4, 2004 A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?" "No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!" The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!" "No." replied the CEO indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3_Penny_Opera Posted May 5, 2004 Share Posted May 5, 2004 A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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