LancsVillan Posted February 16, 2004 Moderator Share Posted February 16, 2004 International Signs.... Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY. Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF. Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR. Sign in men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER. On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE. On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP. A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS. In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED. In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANYBUT THEIR OWN GRAVES. Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED. In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS. In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK. Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID. Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE. An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS. A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME. Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 You nicked my line- Why do people take an instant dislike to anyone in a Birmingham shirt? It saves time Whoopsie, didn't notice that one there Richard :oops: Still, it's taking the piss out of Small Heath, and that's all that matters! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted February 18, 2004 Moderator Share Posted February 18, 2004 from a very good and humourous laughfc.com ROONEY AND JEFFERS AT ROONEY'S 18TH PARTY Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Found this over at b3ta.com, posted by one of their users who goes under the name of mictoboy. Well, it made me laugh anyway Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted February 23, 2004 Moderator Share Posted February 23, 2004 everybody i know who has a dog usually calls him rover or spot. i called mine..... sex. now sex has been very embarrassing for me. i went to the city hall to renew the dog's license. i said, " i want a license for sex." he said, "i would like one too!" "she's a dog!" i said. he told me he didn't care what she looked like. "but you don't understand. i've had sex since i was nine years old!" when i got married, i told the vicar i'd like to have sex at the wedding... he told me to wait until the ceremony was over. i told him that ecerbody would love having sex at the wedding. my family were barred from the church from then on. when we went on our honeymoon, i booked us into a hotel. i told the clerk that i wanted a room for us and a special room for sex. he told me that every room in the hotel was for sex! "you don't understand, sex keeps me awake at night!" one day, i entered sex in a contest. but, before it began, sex ran away. another contestant asked what i was looking for. i said i hoped to have sex in the contest. he said i should have sold my own tickets!! "you don't understand. i wanted to have sex on tv!" he called me a show off. when i separated from my wife, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. i told the judge that i had sex before i was married but that sex left me after i was married. he said the same thing had happened to him! last night, sex ran off again. i spent hours looking for her. a cop came over and asked what i was doing up an alley at 4 in the morning. "looking for sex." i replied. my case comes up on thursday. i was sent to see a psychiatrist. she said that sex isn;t man's best friend and that i should get myself a dog! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 26, 2004 Share Posted February 26, 2004 I wish I had software like this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 That's great......shame it aint real! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "He works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Screaming in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin in every way." The doctor told him, "Your testicles are fine, but I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together, an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his fiancé, marries her and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." Next she takes off her panties and says, "you're the first, no one has ever touched me here." Barely able to contain himself, he immediately drops his pants and replies... "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!!!!!!!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 The husband had just finished his book "Man of the house". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!" I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "the **** funeral director". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 That anti chav thing doesn't look too realistic. Not enough burberry for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 For those of you who like the Simpsona and maybe Goodness Gracious Me have a look at http://www.badmash.org/singhson.php Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 3, 2004 Share Posted March 3, 2004 For those of you who like the Simpsona and maybe Goodness Gracious Me have a look at http://www.badmash.org/singhson.php Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted March 8, 2004 Share Posted March 8, 2004 A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'" She did this every day faithfully, and after several months, it worked. She grew great boobies! One morning, she was running late. She was on the bus, when she realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobies and didn't want to lose them, she got up right in the middle of the bus and said "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!" A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith, by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do! How did you know?" And the bloke says "Hickory dickory dock..." :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3_Penny_Opera Posted March 12, 2004 Share Posted March 12, 2004 An Irish Engineer named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order. O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character and good engineer, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted March 13, 2004 Moderator Share Posted March 13, 2004 as requested main sponsors, Walkers, have decided to cash in on the publicity of the footy team's recent trip to Spain and are releasing a new range of crisps, which they hope will prove popular. These are, assault and vinegar, ready assaulted, pokey bacon, sleaze and onion, gang-roasted chicken and porn cocktail... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernvilla Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer, when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man," and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: (It's a beauty) (wait for it) (Get your best Chinese accent ready) "You not Nissan Main Dealer?!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted March 13, 2004 Share Posted March 13, 2004 Haha, very good. But the funniest thing that I've heard for a while happened just today: Birmingham City 0-1 Leicester Muahahaha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernvilla Posted March 14, 2004 Share Posted March 14, 2004 quite simply...that is the biggest joke ive heard in ages.... and dont get me started on newcastle...oh how i laughed... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
northernvilla Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 I thought id get this one back to the top with another (very similar to my last post), Not the one about Newcastle stupid!! 8) An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While there, he is very sexually promiscuous and doesn't use a condom all the time.. A week after arriving back home in the states, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your cho ice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'llknow more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to cut, cut, cut, Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Save money. You wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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