Guest Posted March 17, 2004 Share Posted March 17, 2004 Smart Chinese doctor 8) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mother ****. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hampshirevillain Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah," I said, Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" So I hung up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 HAHAHAHA, excellent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WHERES_MY_NOBBY_GONE Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 MAJOR EARTHQUAKE HITS SUNDERLAND A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Sunderland in the early hours of Monday. Epicentre: Hylton, Sunderland. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fockin Mentill", "innit" and "cont". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Wearside news reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area. One resident - Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock. My little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Kilroy the next morning." Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after, the most needed items include; Fila or Burberry Baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell Suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport Boots and any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Urgent foodstuffs include; Microwave meals and Pot Noodles, tins of baked beans (Netto only as the tomato sauce on Heinz is too rich for the locals' digestive system). Ice cream, cans of Colt 45 and Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims form. £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy pop for a family of 9. £5.00 will pay for a packet of Benson & Hedges and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. Please do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Pennywell and Ford Estate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Brilliant stuff guys, keep 'em coming Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TOTTI-THE-GOD Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Ok i've got a really crap one for ya 2 homeless people are walkin down the road and the one says to the other" jesus have you shit your self because i can smell shit really badly" and the other says " no not me " anyway they keep walkin and the one trap says " no way u've shit your self , u stink more than usual" the other tramp says " no i havent so the other tramp says "prove it by showing me your pants" so the other tramp takes his pants off and there in his strides is a big brown teg " see says the other tramp i said you'd shit yourself you lying git" oh says the tramp you mean had i shit myself today sorry. As you can see thats a really crappy joke , thanks for your time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyShears Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Just as crap is: Two prostitutes in a taxi, one says, "Can you smell spunk?" The other one says "Oh, sorry, I just burped." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TOTTI-THE-GOD Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Nice one Billy,lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hampshirevillain Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 How can you tell who's turn it is to do the washing up? Look down your pants. If you've got a cock, it's not your turn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce," she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "Strewth," Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it. Let's try Plan B," Cobba said. "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum," replied Cobba. "Spot on," Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits." "Play with her tits?" Cobba said. "Not exactly a good time for that mate." "No." Bruce replied. "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive." :wink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted March 24, 2004 Moderator Share Posted March 24, 2004 very good RR ROFLMAO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GlasgowVilla Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to. "Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?" Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 **DON'T READ IF EASILY OFFENDED, JOKE IN EXTREMELY POOR TASTE** What's Eric Clapton's favourite chord? A flat minor (sorry it is funny, but sick also) feel free to remove it if it's not appropriate JC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trinitytalk Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 whats green and sits in the corner crying? The incredible sulk How do you make a hormone? Dont pay her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trinitytalk Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 whats got two legs and bleeds? a dog chopped in half Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted March 29, 2004 Moderator Share Posted March 29, 2004 Ducks A man walked into a quiet bar. He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm. He placed them one beside the other upon the bar. He had a few drinks and chatted with the ducks, and with the barman. The barman was surprised, but experienced and had learned not to ask people about animals they bring into the bar, so he didn't mention the ducks. They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the toilet. He left the ducks on the bar. The barman was alone with the ducks. There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another. The barman decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation. What's your name?" he asked the first duck. "Huey," replied the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day! What else could a duck want?", said the duck. "Oh. That's nice," said the barman. Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?" "Dewey”, came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey?” he asked. Great, lovely day. I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. If I had the chance to have another day like today, I'd take it!” said the duck in reply. So the barman turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?" "No," she said, "my name is Puddles. And don't even ask what kind of day I've had!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... -------------------------- I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. -------------------------- I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… --------------------------- I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to America, so the other one could drive. --------------------------- Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. --------------------------- I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said "Can I help you?" and he said "No, I'm just looking." --------------------------- This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. ---------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Did you nick that lot out of Rabbit's Crap Joke Book? :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts