Ingram85 Posted September 5, 2011 Share Posted September 5, 2011 When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mum said, "Just use a **** spoon, Steve. You're not a Jedi." good one that is hmmm? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 I said to my son, "Where you going?"He said, "I'm off to meet a girl."I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know."He said, "What?"I said, "You know."He said, "Do you mean a condom?"I said,"No, a **** hat you ginger word removed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 So I was s****ing some bird over the kitchen table when we hear someone trying the front door. "Quick, it's my husband, try the back door" she said. Looking back I probably should have legged it but you don't get invitations like that every day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrissmith921 Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irreverentad Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 whats brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre I love that joke! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomaspg Posted September 9, 2011 Share Posted September 9, 2011 what has four legs and goes miaaaaaaau? a frozen dog on a band saw.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nobler Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Influenced by that scarecrow one a page back... I saw a scarecrow having a wank the other day, poor bastard was just clutching at straws. *edit, i see the filter got me, haha I saw a scarecrow having a w-ank the other day, poor bastard was just clutching at straws. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLN Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers. its bill withers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I never wanted to believe that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVFC_Hitz Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 I like to put Tippex on my daughter. That way she knows she was a mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay there making love, I thought "These Taser guns are well worth the money" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 A sexy young girl approached me in the club last night. "Wanna buy me a few drinks?" she whispered with a wink. "Of course," I burst out, shooting to the bar. After she had drunk 5 vodkas within 10 minutes, I gave her a nudge. "I bet you're the type of girl that uses men to get drunk and gives nothing in return, aren't you?" I asked. "You've got me all figured out," she smirked. "Well not tonight!" I replied, waving an empty Rohypnol box in her face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Over the last few years my wife has developed several food intolerances. These days, she can't eat anything containing wheat, dairy or cock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I was standing there, hands trembling, my wife due home from work any time now... I reached for my youngest daughter's top - it came off with little resistance. Her training bra was my next hurdle. Hands still trembling, I gently unclipped it and unable to control my hands I watched it as it fell to the floor. Her short little skirt was next, I reached out and slid it off. As I ran my hands slowly over her My Little Pony panties I could feel they were already really, really damp... Anyway, I'd better finish getting the rest of the washing in - it's raining and my Parkinsons isn't making it any easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eames Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I was standing there, hands trembling, my wife due home from work any time now... I reached for my youngest daughter's top - it came off with little resistance. Her training bra was my next hurdle. Hands still trembling, I gently unclipped it and unable to control my hands I watched it as it fell to the floor. Her short little skirt was next, I reached out and slid it off. As I ran my hands slowly over her My Little Pony panties I could feel they were already really, really damp... Anyway, I'd better finish getting the rest of the washing in - it's raining and my Parkinsons isn't making it any easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NibblyPig Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I can't put my Leo Tolstoy joke on twitter... too many characters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 "Sorry, we don't serve faster than light muon neutrinos in here" said the bar man. A muon neutrino walks into the bar. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted September 24, 2011 VT Supporter Share Posted September 24, 2011 "Sorry, we don't serve faster than light muon neutrinos in here" said the bar man. A muon neutrino walks into the bar. Stolen for FB. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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