mjmooney Posted July 5, 2011 VT Supporter Share Posted July 5, 2011 Werner Heisenberg is driving down the autobahn, when he gets pulled over by the Verkehrspolizei. "Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop. "No" said Heisenberg, "but I know where I am." :notworthy: Quantum jokes FTW. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Oh that's delicious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I used to know more, but I can't remember them. Quick online searches yield good results though. Entropy; it just isn't what it used to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex? Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted July 5, 2011 VT Supporter Share Posted July 5, 2011 The thing about a quantum joke is that it is both funny AND not funny. Until you get to the punchline, when the waveform collapses and you either laugh or don't laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danwichmann Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danwichmann Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely: "Are - my - test - results – back? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Gay cowboy = 1975 wants its joke back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulieB Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Come on peeps - let's keep this a joke thread. We all know Julie's lovely so let's not take this into a place it doesn't need to go... Yeah and she's after the ride with the bloke at the barbeque ;-) Oi I heard that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Hee hee :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 I threw one of my students out of a lesson for wanting to fight. That sort of behaviour will not be tolerated in the French armed forces! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villa4europe Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 "Dad, how do you feel about abortions?" "Well, why don't you ask your sister?" "But I don't have a..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Werner Heisenberg is driving down the autobahn, when he gets pulled over by the Verkehrspolizei. "Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop. "No" said Heisenberg, "but I know where I am." *steals for facebook Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AVFC_Hitz Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. "No, I'm travelling light." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mark_bennett Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Ahmed and Faizal are both beggers at several motorway service stations. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives mortgage free in huge 7 bedroom mansion and has loads of money to spend. Faizal only manages to bring home 2 to 3 pounds a day, so Faizal asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of tenners every days. "Look at your sign", says Ahmed, it says, I have no work, 6 children to support and only a 1 bedroom flat with no toilet to live in. British people see that and think they will not accomplish anything by giving you money. Ahmed shows Faizal his sign and it reads,,,,,, I only needs another £10 to move back to Pakistan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted July 25, 2011 Moderator Share Posted July 25, 2011 A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my Granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 Two detectives are in Amy Winehouses flat. One says to the other "I've never heard of her, what was she famous for?" The other copper replies "She was a very well known musician." The first detective looks around and says, "Ah, I see now. Let me guess, she played the spoons?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Risso Posted July 25, 2011 Share Posted July 25, 2011 A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my Granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook... Hehe, like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said "Son, that's three schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted July 28, 2011 VT Supporter Share Posted July 28, 2011 Word filter FTL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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