kurtsimonw Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Not strictly jokes, but I found this on goal.com and found it pretty funny. Calcio Comedy: 20 Things To Expect From Italy v England It's Italy v England in the Champions League last 16 as Juventus take on Chelsea, Roma meet Arsenal and Inter play Manchester United. Here are 20 things to expect before, during or after the Anglo-Italian ties… 1) Cristiano Ronaldo says that he is better than Pele and Diego Maradona, and compares himself to God. 2) Jose Mourinho bangs on beforehand about how his Chelsea side were better than United, and that his record against Fergie is Won 6, Drawn 4, Lost 1. 3) Sir Alex Ferguson will use the words “No doubt about it” at least 100 times, while he will mention during an interview with SKY Italia about how good Luciano Spalletti’s wine is. 4) Wayne Rooney does a Zinedine Zidane and headbutts Marco Materazzi in the chest after the Italian snipes that he would “rather NOT have Rooney’s mum”. 5) Mourinho runs down the Old Trafford touchline to celebrate a last minute goal that puts Inter into the next round. 6) Ferguson engages in a furious touchline row with Mourinho over the award of a throw-in, and lobs his chewing gum onto the pitch in disgust. 7) Manchester United fans sing “same old I-Ti’s, always cheating”, even though Inter don’t have a single Italian in their team. 8) Claudio Ranieri laughs hysterically during both of his pre-match interviews in the tie against former club Chelsea. 9) Ranieri gets a better reception at Stamford Bridge from the Chelsea fans than Luiz Felipe Scolari. 10) English commentators tut-tut about Italian diving shortly before Didier Drogba goes down like he's caught the plague. 11) Momo Sissoko to have the best pass completion rate...for Chelsea. “Camoranesi... Nedved... Del Piero, back to Nedved, now Sissoko, oh he's played it straight to Deco!! Deco, Lampaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard GOAL! Chelsea lead!" 12) Lampard is credited with the goal by UEFA, despite the fact the ball took eight deflections, and travelled to and from Timbuktu, on its way into the net. 13) Phil Thompson, Graeme Souness, and a number of other SKY Sports pundits bash the Italian league at every opportunity, and label it an “old, slow, retirement home”, while repeatedly championing the Premier League as the “best league in the world”. 14) Souness says he would never have the over-rated Francesco Totti or Zlatan Ibrahimovic in his team (if he was a manager). 15) Italian media pundits jealously declare that the only reason the Premier League is so strong is because of foreign owners, managers and players. 16) In the build-up to Arsenal-Roma, both will be described as attractive, passing sides who play good football, but whoever loses the tie will be condemned as being 'in crisis.' 17) There will be serious crowd trouble inside and outside the Stadio Olimpico. English fans smash up a number of local bars. Italian fans attack their adversaries while riding around on mopeds. 18) The English media blame 19th century Italian policing for the trouble. 19) The Italian media blame 19-times over-the-drink-limit English fans for the trouble. And Finally… 20) Whichever country comes out on top in the three-round contest will declare that they have the best league in the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cizzler Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 4) Wayne Rooney does a Zinedine Zidane and headbutts Marco Materazzi in the chest after the Italian snipes that he would “rather NOT have Rooney’s mum”. 7) Manchester United fans sing “same old I-Ti’s, always cheating”, even though Inter don’t have a single Italian in their team. Isn't that contradictory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LT_1993 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 4) Wayne Rooney does a Zinedine Zidane and headbutts Marco Materazzi in the chest after the Italian snipes that he would “rather NOT have Rooney’s mum”. 7) Manchester United fans sing “same old I-Ti’s, always cheating”, even though Inter don’t have a single Italian in their team. Isn't that contradictory thats after he has to off because rooneys headbut cracks a few ribs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . . " The bartender interrupted, "Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!" A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope . . . " Again, the bartender cut in, "No religion talk, either." "Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?" The bartender thought for a second and replied, "Sure." "Good," said the man, "then **** you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Al Fayed wants to sign Ronaldo for Fulham. Not for his footballing prowess, but to teach his chauffeurs how to crash safely in tunnels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted January 9, 2009 Share Posted January 9, 2009 Witnesses at the scene of the Ronaldo crash say he was only lightly tapped by a car from behind, when all of the sudden the car flipped over and rolled ten times. It then span around on the spot for two minutes, then all the wheels fell off and it caught fire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OutByEaster? Posted January 9, 2009 Moderator Share Posted January 9, 2009 He has complained that the wall wasn't back ten yards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Just been chatting to a 14 year old girl online. She's funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me she is and undercover cop! How cool is that at her age!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little man what's wrong. "I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man. "Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as much as I can do." So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is. "I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls. So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do." He hands a tin of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you little blue poof, what planet are you from and what the **** do you want?" And the little man answers, "Your driver's license, please...". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LT_1993 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 What do you call a black man in a suit? Mr. President Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witton_Lane Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Just been chatting to a 14 year old girl online. She's funny, sexy and flirty. Now she tells me she is and undercover cop! How cool is that at her age!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomaszk Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Tottenham Hotspurs FC Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 2 blokes walk into a bar and stand to order there drinks, the first bloke turns to his mate and says "right then donkey, what you having" donkey replies "i-i-i-i-ll have a p-p-pint of b-b-b-b-itter please" they both stand there and finish there drinks, the first bloke says "right then donkey, im going for a piss you get the next round in" and he walks off at the bar donkey says to the barman "t-t-t-t-two p-p-p-pints of b-b-b-bitter please" the barman looks at him and says "you know, i think its wrong your friend calls you donkey" donkey replies "oh he-all he-all he-allways calls me that" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
privateer Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Last night I shagged a girl with brittle bone disease. What a **** little cracker she was! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpiderDijon Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the receptionist 3 nails and says... 'Can you put me up for the night?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpiderDijon Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Whats black and screams? Stevie Wonder answering the iron. ----------------------------------------- Whats black and furious? The reincarnation of Bernard Manning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Rev Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Whats black and three miles long? The queue of people waiting to piss on Bernard Manning's grave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 21, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted January 21, 2009 A paper bag goes to the Doctor's and says "Doctor ,I'm not feeling very well." So the Doctor runs some tests and sits down to have a chat with the paper bag. "Well, it's bad news I'm afraid. You've got AIDS" The paper bag looks shocked and replies "How can that be? I'm just a paper bag?!" "Well," said the Doctor, "There are a number of ways you could have gotten it. Have you ever injected yourself with a needle that someone else may have used first?" "No, I'm a paper bag. We don't really do that sort of thing." "Ok" said the doctor "Well have you ever had sex with someone who may have had AIDs?" "No. I'm a paper bag, we really don't do things like that." The doctor looked puzzled. "Well, there's only one explanation...Your mother must have been a carrier!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted January 21, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted January 21, 2009 An ugly old man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face. The bartender asks him what he's got to be so happy about. He says "I was walking home last night when I noticed a girl tied to the rail tracks just like in the movies. So I set her free, one thing led to another and she came back to my place. We rocked the house, doing anything you'd imagine and a few things you wouldn't. It was the best night of my night." "Was she pretty?" Asks the barman. "Dunno. I never found her head." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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