shambles Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 Unless you live in the West Midlands you probably won't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Rev Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 Its about a local celeb. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peterms Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 FOR SALE: Used tent. Wolverhampton city centre area. Knock down price due to one missing pole. I don't get it?? It was this thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
B6 to E6 Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 It's never the same when you have to explain them, is it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spoony Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 A half blind African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes, so he keeps falling off and picking himself back up again. Give a small donation of just £2 and we'll send you the video, it's **** hillarious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted November 6, 2007 Share Posted November 6, 2007 Hopefully no one has posted this one yet: A Florida man normally goes on morning jogs on the beach, a few miles exercise each day. Well one day he comes across a quadriplegic woman laying on her beach towel. As her passes by her she greets him and asks him over to her towel. He takes a few moments speaking with her, talking about the whether and discussing each others week. At the end of the conversation the woman says "John, you're such a nice man, would I be out of line to ask for you to pick me up and give me a hug, it's not every day I get a hug from such a handsome man". Well John thinks about it and decides it's not too much to ask and so he picks her up and gives her a hug, sets her back down and gets on with his jog. A weeks goes by and as John is on another morning jog he sees the quadriplegic woman again. Again she stops him and they talk for a bit more, this time at the end of the conversation she says "Boy John, that was so nice of you before to give me a hug, perhaps this time you can give me a kiss?" John thinks twice but decides it would do no harm to give the quadriplegic woman a kiss. So he picks her up, gives her a hug and lays a fat wet one on her. They exchange pleasantries for a minute or two more and then he continues on his jog. A few weeks go by and John doesn't see her. Then one day he is on his evening jog and he comes across her on the beach. She says hello and beckons him over to her towel. They get to talking and it's clear to John she has something to ask him. He asks "What's the matter?" She blushes but then reluctantly says "John, I know you've given me a hug and a wonderful kiss, and I was just wondering if you could **** me". John thinks about it long and hard and then says "Well, sure I can do that for you, I've got a boat at the dock not too far from here, we can go out on that." She loves the idea and so he picks up the quadriplegic woman and takes her to the boat. They go out about a mile in the ocean, he stops the boat. She looks nervous but willing. John picks up the woman, throws her into the ocean and says "There! You're ****!!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking... scared the shit out of me. So that's it! After today, no more **** reading! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Posted November 8, 2007 VT Supporter Share Posted November 8, 2007 Ive just remembered my favorite joke when I was 'knee high to a grasshopper'...... What do you call a 9 foot Gorilla with a machine gun? Sir! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hev Posted November 15, 2007 Share Posted November 15, 2007 THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN' T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOTSTEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TOTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU". "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE. "WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED." BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS, I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get free emoticon packs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure the headaches you've had all these years. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for but he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need .... a new suit. That'll make me feel a little better. " He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . Size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck." Joe was surprised. "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see. Size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since before I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head. "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." New suit - £400 New shirt - £36 New underwear - £10 Second opinion - PRICELESS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saturdaygig Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 A man knocks on a door. Boy answers wearing red stilletos, fish nets, red thong, matching bra, lip stick and a wig. man says '' sorry to disturb you is your mother home?'' boy replies '' What do you **** think!!?'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AshVilla Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 I once had a friend called Uganda. he was worst enemies with his next door neighbour Chad. Ill get my coat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 I once had a friend called Uganda. he was worst enemies with his next door neighbour Chad. Ill get my coat You better take your **** hat as well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AshVilla Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 i thought it wasnt bad for something i thought off the top of my head and no it wasnt the **** hat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor deciding to reveal his true identity, says "I am Thor!". The women looks at him and replies, "You're Thor!? I'm so thor I can hardly pith!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the Stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blowwww your house down." And he did! So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the big bad wolf just blew down my house!" So the stick pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blowwww your house down." And he did!! So the straw pig and the stick Pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!" So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up the wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living shit out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and blew the wolfs head off. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry butt into the creek then got back into their Caddy and drove off. The straw pig and stick pig were amazed! "Who the heck were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins... The Guinea Pigs. "Gotta love those Italians." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 Two Welshmen are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop... As yet the shop isn't ready... only a few shelves are set up. One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling." No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a English accent asks, "What're you blokes sellin' here?" One of the men replies, "We're selling arseholes here, boyo." Without missing a beat, the Englishman says, "Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you've only got two left!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 16, 2007 Share Posted November 16, 2007 Richard is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful but listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 17, 2007 Moderator Share Posted November 17, 2007 Richard is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful but listen very, very closely... A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" We seem to get this joke once a year Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 17, 2007 Share Posted November 17, 2007 A Jewish guy goes to watch small heath play, but is refused entrance to the ground. "Why can't I come in? I'd have thought you'd be desperate for fans!" says Avi. "Only complete pricks allowed in here" replies the 'Nose Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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