kurtsimonw Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 Apologies if it's been posted before, there's just too many pages to check.. There's a Scouser sitting at a table in a pub with some friends when a gay bloke walks in. After watching the Scouser for a few minutes, the gay eventually plucks up the courage to go up to him. He taps the Scouser on the shoulder and says "Fancy a blow job, mate?" Upon hearing this the Scouser picks up his chair and beats the gay half to death with it. A bouncer comes in and says to the Scouser "Look, I'm going to have to kick you out.. but I'm curious, what did he say to you to make you react in such a violent way!?" The Scouser replies "I dunno, something about a job" I thought it was pretty good myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 Ha ha, thats funny ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted December 6, 2007 Moderator Share Posted December 6, 2007 Apologies if it's been posted before, there's just too many pages to check.. I'll save you the trouble with a quick search function. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted December 6, 2007 Moderator Share Posted December 6, 2007 Go here and type 'Good looking women' into the search box Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 Go here and type 'Good looking women' into the search box Works with 'clever people' too... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she's staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my arse coming into work today." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, Richard woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think? " "Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful tone. "You made a complete arse of yourself, succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face." "He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!" "You did... all over his suit," Louise informed him. "And he fired you..." "Well, **** him," said Richard. "I did. You're back at work on Monday!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 ^^ LOL! Top stuff mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 *** BREKING NEWS*** 3 people have frozen to death outside a cinema in Ireland after waiting 3 weeks to see 'Closed for the Winter'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 John Darwin has walked into a police station after being missing for 5 years. He said its the last time he goes on holiday with the McCanns. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted December 10, 2007 Moderator Share Posted December 10, 2007 *** BREKING NEWS*** 3 people have frozen to death outside a cinema in Ireland after waiting 3 weeks to see 'Closed for the Winter'. Did you know a famous playwright (I think he may very well have been Irish) once wrote a play called 'Closed for Renovations' and it caused the expected confusion, so the name had to be changed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted December 10, 2007 Moderator Share Posted December 10, 2007 A farmer buys 37 sheep and puts them in a field. One night he sends the sheep dog out to count them and make sure they're all there. Sheep dog comes back in and says 'Yeah there's 40 of them there'. Farmer says 'That's funny, I only bought 37'. Sheepdog says, 'yeah I rounded them up'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 10, 2007 Share Posted December 10, 2007 Two gay men were visiting a zoo one afternoon. They were walking around the exhibits when they noticed a large crowd gathered around the gorilla enclosure. They pushed their way to the front and saw a large male gorilla sitting behind the bars watching the crowd. "What a magnificent animal," said the first gay man, and leaned forward to get a better look. "I wonder if he's that big all over." He craned his neck and stuck his head close to the bars. His friend shouted a warning, but it was too late. In a flash, the gorilla lunged forward and grabbed the man and pulled him through the bars. The crowd watched in disbelief as the gorilla tore the clothes off the hapless man. When he was entirely naked, the gorilla spread the man's legs and bent over him. The terrified screams subsided to low moans. Once, twice, three times, the gorilla returned to the naked man and repeated the act as the crowd watched in horror. Finally, the gorilla picked up the naked man and tossed him back over the fence. He was placed on a stretcher and rushed to the nearest hospital. A couple days later, his friend went to visit him. He walked into the darkened hospital room and pulled a chair up to the bedside. "We all saw what happened. How you feeling? Are you hurt?" he asked. His friend turned his tear-stained face toward him. "What do you think?" he replied, "Of course I'm bloody hurt! No flowers... no calls... not even a card!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 14, 2007 Share Posted December 14, 2007 Rob that was very funny and I reckon you will now get 200 PMs asking for it but I'm sorry it cannot stay. PC 49 well LV really Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 A mate of mine has just informed me that he nicked a turkey from Asda. Trouble is, the security guard saw him and ran after him shouting `Oi, what you doing with that turkey`. My mate is pretty quick on this toes, turned round and shouted back, ‘roast potatoes, parsnips and pigs in blankets you nosey bastard’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ronk-villa Posted December 18, 2007 Share Posted December 18, 2007 How long can you keep a turkey in the freezer? I only ask because I put one in last night, and when I got up this morning it was dead....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 19, 2007 Share Posted December 19, 2007 A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!! A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers. "Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is wonderful news" screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'. With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard. "Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!" With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair. "Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am God." "But this is absolutely amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!" "You look tired my son" said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?" "Oh yes" replied the bomber "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you". The bomber sits down and God says "You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?" "Oh yes please" replies the bomber "I am most thirsty, thank you". With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts "Oi, Mohammed, two coffees over here and make it snappy!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted December 19, 2007 Moderator Share Posted December 19, 2007 Why I fired my secretary: Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Sobbing... Naked... and erect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted December 19, 2007 Moderator Share Posted December 19, 2007 A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure... In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
acwilliams Posted December 20, 2007 Share Posted December 20, 2007 Why I fired my secretary: Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday". And I just sat there... On the couch... Sobbing... Naked... and erect. Ahem. :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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