LancsVillan Posted March 3, 2011 Moderator Share Posted March 3, 2011 The wife phoned me and said, "You better come to the hospital. My mother hasn't got long to live!" I replied "But Villa are playing small heath". She said "Record it and watch it later." You should have seen her face when I turned up with the camcorder and the tripod!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted March 3, 2011 Moderator Share Posted March 3, 2011 2nd one much better than 1st Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted March 3, 2011 Moderator Share Posted March 3, 2011 Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on. The 1st Nurse says 'I cant let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel **** great'!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted March 3, 2011 Moderator Share Posted March 3, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guus Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?' The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news? 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 How do you know when a woman is too fat to ****? You get her panties down to her knees and her clunge is still in them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted March 3, 2011 Share Posted March 3, 2011 I wonder who will finish higher this year. Man City or Kolo Toure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Nice Drat joke for friday. Someone said "gabn" to me just now. I turned to them and said "that's bang out of order". Happy friday! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Nice Drat joke for friday. Someone said "gabn" to me just now. I turned to them and said "that's bang out of order". Happy friday! Bin Dunne but still made me laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 A taxi just drove past me covered in chilli sauce. It was a mini kebab Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted March 4, 2011 Moderator Share Posted March 4, 2011 One from the schoolyard Watson walks in on Holmes smearing lemon curd all over his backside. "What are you doing to yourself Holmes?" "Lemon entry my dear Watson, lemon entry". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 The last thing my vicar said to me was never eat probiotic yoghurt. Well what he actually said was never dabble in Yakult Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I asked the Taxi driver what his name was, "Spartacus" he replied. Pah I thought, bloody slave driver Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted March 4, 2011 Moderator Share Posted March 4, 2011 Vehh good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Drat, I can only dream of the day I can make those sort of puns. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 If one of those alphabet grenades go's off it could spell disaster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Bugger, I just rang the amputee help line, but I was cut off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 I went to a toga party with my dyslexic friend. He went as a goat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted March 5, 2011 Share Posted March 5, 2011 Racist pigeons and chickens should join together to create the coo clucks clan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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