ryanvilla_1994 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazdavies79 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 My mates insist on working, I beg to differ... The other day somone stole my dictionary, I was lost for words... I saw a topless ventriloquist act the other night, she was great, I didn't see her lips move once! My gf and I never have toilet seat arguments any more, these days i piss in the sink. She caught me using her toothbrush once and went mental, I thought it was an over reaction considering how intimate we've been, and besides can you think of a better way of getting dog shit off your shoe?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Des, that is brilliant! I once owned a paper show, but sadly it blew away. Did you hear about the bad circumciser? He got the sack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love I thought to myself, "These taser guns sure are well worth the money." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 To be honest, when I was told I was being sacked at the plug factory, it came as a bit of a shock. Well my job at a pottery was good and I enjoyed until I was fired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he sighed......."Let's put all the Frosties back in the box. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dante_Lockhart Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 To achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So this morning I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets. Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 Women... Nag nag nag, all the time. From the moment I opened my eyes this morning she was at it. "How did I get here" "Who are you?" "I want to go home". On and on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas Not cause I like snow or anything, I'm just a racist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 When I was putting my Christmas lights up this morning I wasn't sure if it would offend my Non-Christian neighbours... So to be sure I painted a massive swastika on my garage door too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for Christmas. It's such a joy to watch their faces light up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 22, 2010 Share Posted December 22, 2010 I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I replied, "No, you sick ****. I'll be putting it up in my living room." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come... then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time? Patrick addressed the class "Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys. "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" "Well Miss, me and my sister also go to church with mum and dad and sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents". Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year... dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Bentley and then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves... and begin to sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus'... then we all go to the Bahamas". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple. Merry Christmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted December 23, 2010 Share Posted December 23, 2010 i went back 8 pages and couldnt see them so im sorry if they've binn dunne. Also, they are off my phone so have no idea where they are from. Anyway..... My daughter said 'dad, can my boyfriend stay over tonight?' 'can he f**k' I replied 'Like a rabbit' she said. A womens fanny is like a shed roof, if you dont nail it hard enough it will probably end up next door My wife kicked me out after she found me measuring the size of my c*ck. It just reaches the back of her sisters throat Horny fat wife in stockings and high heels puts on a cape and bursts into the bedroom shouting 'SUPERPUSSY!', husband looks up and says 'Ill have the soup'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrbojangles Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Bristol police investigating the Joanna Yeates case say the murderer stole one of her socks. . . . Am I the only person thinking Heather Mills?!?!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Bristol police investigating the Joanna Yeates case say the murderer stole one of her socks. . . . Am I the only person thinking Heather Mills?!?!? No, drat is as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
choffer Posted January 6, 2011 VT Supporter Share Posted January 6, 2011 Bristol police investigating the Joanna Yeates case say the murderer stole one of her socks. . . . Am I the only person thinking Heather Mills?!?!? No, drat is as well And Bicks too, by the looks of twitter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 What do you call an australian with a bottle of champagne? Waiter. What do you call an australian with 100 to his name.......the bowler. What do you call an australian thats good with a bat? a vet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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