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mattavfc

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  1. Dunno if anyone reads these anymore, but hey: 15 things to do in Sainsbury's: 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolley when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in houseware to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the female toilets. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 10 at Pharmacy" ... and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on hold. 6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the houseware and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When an assistant asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you >pick your nose. 10. While handling knives in the kitchen ware department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from >Mission Impossible. 12. In the car accessory department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels. 13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through shout, "PICK >ME! PICK ME!!!!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, " NO! NO! It's those voices again!" 15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly...."Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"
  2. What does a Birmingham City do wen they win the Premiership? He turns off his playsation.
  3. There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish. The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish. It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
  4. Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk with my mouth full."
  5. There was these newly weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding night. Finally when it came the wife took off all of her clothes and went under the covers while her husband took off his clothes one by one. First he took off his socks and his toes were messed up. His wife says "what happened to your toes?" He says "I had toelio". She says "you mean Polio", but he said, "no, toelio". Then he takes off his pants and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird. The wife says "what happened to your knees?" He says "I had Kneaseles". And she says "you mean Measles" and he says "no, Kneaseles". Finally he took off his underwear and she says "Let me guess...small cox?"
  6. On a warm summer evening, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. He was hot and thirsty and said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed." There was a fish in the water thinking "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him." There was a bear on the shore and he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump up for the fly and I will catch the fish and eat it." A hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Mmm" he thought,"If that fly goes down three inches, the fish will jump up for it, the bear will expose himself and grab the fish and then I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch." Now, you are probably thinking that this is enough activity for one bank of a lake but there was more. A mouse was by the hunters foot and he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches, the fish will jump up, the bear will grab it, the hunter will then shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich and I'll have a decent lunch." Lurking in a bush, was a cat and he thought, "If that fly goes down three inches the fish will jump up, the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and drop his sandwich , the mouse will make off with the sandwich and then I can have the mouse for lunch." The poor fly is so hot and dry that he drops down for the cooling mist of the water...the fish swallows the fly...the bear grabs the fish...the hunter shoots the bear...the mouse grabs the sandwich...the cat leaps for the mouse...the mouse ducks...the cat falls into the water and drowns. The moral of the story is..... Whenever a fly goes down three inches..... Some pussy is probably in danger!!
  7. Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
  8. One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs ." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the . The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m*sturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the . The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop j*rking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
  9. Back to the jokes: An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
  10. Two tramps fancied a pint or two but only had 50p between them. The first tramp said "I've got an idea, wait there." He went to the nearest butchers shop and came out with one large sausage. His mate said, "Are you stupid, we don't have any money left now." The first tramp replied, "Don't worry, just follow me." They went in to a pub and the first guy ordered two pints of Guiness and two whisky chasers. His mate said "Your mad, we're going to be in serious trouble, we haven't got any money!" "Don't panic, I've got a plan," replied the first tramp. They drank their drinks and the first guy said, "OK, I'll stick this sausage through my fly and you get down on your knees and put it into your mouth. So down on his knees he went. Suddenly, the barman saw them and shouted "You dirty ba*tards!" and threw them out. The tramps went to another pub and once again were thrown out. They continued this, pub after pub gettig more & more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub, the second tramp slurred, "I'm completely pi**ed and my knees are killing me." His mate replied "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"
  11. A number 1 wood goes into a pub and orders a pint. The barman says "I'm not serving you." "Why ever not?" asks the number 1 wood. The barman replies, "You might be driving later!!"
  12. A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back... "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
  13. Little Johnny's mother is taking a bath, having recently been discharged from hospital where she had all her pubic hair removed. Johnny comes into the bathroom as she's drying off and asks her what happened to the hair. "I've lost my sponge" she replies and sends Johnny out to play. A few moments later, Johnny returns and tells his mother he think she's found her sponge "Oh really," his mum asks Where is it?" Johnny answers, "The lady next door is washing daddies face with it"
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