Wainy316 Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Q] What has Imogen Thomas got in common with Fernando Torres? A] They were both **** good footballers not so long ago. Stolen for facebook. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amsterdam_Neil_D Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 Was telling my mate in the pub the joke about what you do if an epileptic has a fit in a bath. throw your washing in! we were laughing when the bloke next to me turned to me & said, "thats not **** funny"! my brother was epileptic & he died in the bath. I said, "oh i'm sorry mate, did he drown?" he replied , " no he choked on a sock!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theunderstudy Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 During some excavation work, a team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave. They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on one wall of the cave: A woman A donkey A shovel A fish A Star of David The archaeologists declared this a unique find. The carvings were thought to be at least three thousand years old. They carefully cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it in to the Tel Aviv Museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to discuss the meaning of the markings. The chairman opened the meeting by pointing to the first symbol and saying: "We can judge from the first symbol that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence is highlighted by the fish, which means that when their crops failed, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently Hebrew." The audience applauded enthusiastically. Suddenly, a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman.' " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonno_2004 Posted May 30, 2011 Share Posted May 30, 2011 ^ I don't know why but that made me literally LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Just won me a nice little bit of money at work, I had Sepp Blatter in the FIFA sweepstakes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 It's **** hot today, Im sweating like Gollum in a ring shop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 My wife said, "I'm bored, can we try a new position?" "No," I replied. "You're staying in the passenger seat where you **** belong." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I've just seen an old lady drop a £20 note in the street. As she struggled to bend over and pick it up I shouted, "I'll get it". I ran over, picked it up and said, "See, I knew I'd get it, better luck next time you old bastard". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 7, 2011 Moderator Share Posted June 7, 2011 I got stopped by the Police last night as part of their drink driving campaign. The policewomen asked me, "How many drinks have you had in the last 24 hours sir?" Apparently the correct answer isn't "Not enough to shag you!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ingram85 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 BBC have a new show starting this week, its a cooking programme for women who have have been the victims of domestic abuse.....its called 'Cant Cook, Right Hook!'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drat01 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I walked up to this girl in a club & said 'My cock's like a cucumber' She replied 'Why, is it long and hard?' I said 'No it's infected' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eames Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I was parked up with a lady friend and we were getting quite intense in the back seat. She said "**** me in the shit hole!" I said, "I'm not driving to St. Andrews at this time of night!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaretMahoney Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Nice one Eames! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I was parked up with a lady friend and we were getting quite intense in the back seat. She said "**** me in the shit hole!" I said, "I'm not driving to St. Andrews at this time of night!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eames Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 I was looking to buy a new car and finally settled in the one I wanted. In the showroom the salesman wanted me to upgrade to a "Smart radio". "Its state of the art" he said "you just say the name of the artist or song, you want and it will play it." Eager to test out this new creation I said "pulp" and sure enough the car played Disco 2000. I tried over and over again, and the car played everything I asked for. I had to buy it. Whilst driving it home I was cut up by a clapped out Nova with a spoiler, "**** Arseholes!!" I shouted, the car then started to play Keep Right On. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 9, 2011 Moderator Share Posted June 9, 2011 A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims the Wii Game Boy he received isn't what he was expecting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted June 9, 2011 Moderator Share Posted June 9, 2011 Roses are red Violets are blue I have alzheimers Cheese on toast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 Roses are red Violets are blue I have alzheimers Cheese on toast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knoppy1987 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Roses are red Violets are blue I have alzheimers Cheese on toast This is brilliant. Sides are hurting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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