The_Rev Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I was going to post it before I went to bed last night! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Michael Jackson has just announced his UK dates. They are: David, aged 12 Andy, aged 9 Craig, aged 11 Peter, aged 13 Simon, aged 12 and John, aged 7 Bahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Thing is if MJ wanted a special mascot for each gig to spend some special time with him before and afterwards people would be queing up. hit me at 30 and there is an 80% chance I'll live. hit me at 40 and there is an 80% chance I'll die. hit me at 88mph and there's a 100% chance I'll GO BACK TO THE FUTURE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 It's reported today that Elisabeth Fritzl had sex with her father in front of her 3 children. The dirty bitch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in. After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly." Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!" The old man replied, "Pinocchio?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.J.Rimmer Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I read something that made me laugh today: "If clairvoyants are any bloody good, then why does one have to make appointments?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A.J.Rimmer Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Michael Jackson has just announced his UK dates. They are: David, aged 12 Andy, aged 9 Craig, aged 11 Peter, aged 13 Simon, aged 12 and John, aged 7 Bahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa No one will believe me, but I thought of that myself when I saw the BBC headline... trouble is I don't know how to do short links. What's more you missed out Agnes the Goat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Why do you never read the headline "Psychic Wins Lotto"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shambles Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Thing is if MJ wanted a special mascot for each gig to spend some special time with him before and afterwards people would be queing up. hit me at 30 and there is an 80% chance I'll live. hit me at 40 and there is an 80% chance I'll die. hit me at 88mph and there's a 100% chance I'll GO BACK TO THE FUTURE Only if the flux capacitor can generate 1.21 gigawatts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saturdaygig Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 1.21 gigawatts !! ?? !! Good grief Marty where the heck are we going to get that kind of power from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YLN Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Damn airline lost my luggage coming back from Spain and they wouldn't do jot all about it. So I approached this lawyer to see if I could take them to court or suit them or something. But he said I didn't have a case. Well, it's that day again when the Irish miss work and spend all day drinking. Tuesday. hit me at 30 and there is an 80% chance I'll live. hit me at 40 and there is an 80% chance I'll die. hit me at 88mph and there's a 100% chance I'll GO BACK TO THE FUTURE St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in. After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly." Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!" The old man replied, "Pinocchio?" I LOL'd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbaldie1 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 What's the difference between a cow and a tragedy? A scouser wouldn't know how to milk a cow. Funny & soo True Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Rev Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 Its not all bad news for Liam Neeson. He should get £250 from You've Been Framed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 'When in Rome do as the Romans do' I'm in Austria next week with my daughter. I can't **** wait! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Let's test the way you think :- thepenisinhermouth. Did you read 'the pen is in her mouth'? Nah, me neither. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Two golfers are enjoying a round when they get stuck behind a group of women. One of the women, half way through a putt, starts jogging into the woods. One of the blokes says to the other "That's the club president's wife! I bet she's going in the woods for a shit." "No chance" says the other "She's a respectable bird!" So they head off quietly into the woods to have a look, and sure enough, there she is, the president's wife, crouched down curling out a steaming turd. The first bloke grins smugly and says, "I bet 20 quid she leaves without wiping her arse." "Never! I'll take that bet" So the first man shouts "Oi!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Women's ideal man: Handsome Clever Rich Well-endowed Incredible in bed Tall Funny Tanned Muscular Fit Doesn't drink too much Doesn't smoke Doesn’t do drugs Can cook Clean Wash up Enjoys literature Theatre Fancy restaurants Does volunteer work Gives money to charity Doesn't fart Respects and believes in women's rights Mans ideal woman: Big Tits No gag reflex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 All of these are companies that didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread… Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their website is www.whorepresents.com/ Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com/ Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net/ Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com/ There’s the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com/ And don’t forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, www.molestationnursery.com/ If you’re looking for IP computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com/ The First Cumming Methodist Church website is www.cummingfirst.com/ And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky website, www.speedofart.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 What's the difference between Natasha Richardson and Francesca Anobile? About 45mph. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Peadophile walks into the woods at night with a young girl. The girl says "I'm scared" Peadophile replies "Your scared? You haven't gotta walk out of here on your own!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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