Jimzk5 Posted May 13, 2007 Share Posted May 13, 2007 theres 2 hookers standing in a elevator, one burps, the other says "can you smell spunk"? a bloke walks into a sperm bank, a lady gives him a plastic glass with a lid and asks him to go into a booth to deposit his sample. 2 hours later he walks back into the waiting room, his face red, dripping with sweat. the lady asks "is there a problem?" the man says "a problem?, ive had it in my left hand, my right hand, ive hit it off the table and i still cant get the lid off this **** jar" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villadevon Posted May 14, 2007 Share Posted May 14, 2007 In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest. The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back." Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation, surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?" The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nycvillan Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 What does D.N.A stand for ??? ....National Dyslexic Association Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted May 17, 2007 Moderator Share Posted May 17, 2007 What does D.N.A stand for ??? ....National Dyslexic Association Oh that's it. No Christmas prezzies off Satan for you ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wainy316 Posted May 17, 2007 Share Posted May 17, 2007 I read today that 10 out of 2 people suffer from dyslexia. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted May 17, 2007 Moderator Share Posted May 17, 2007 There are 10 types of people Wainy. Those who understand binary and those who don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted May 21, 2007 Share Posted May 21, 2007 What have laxatives and scousers got in common? They both irritate the shit out of you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olejniker Posted May 23, 2007 Share Posted May 23, 2007 A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?" "Well...I would have gotten out today!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b*strd!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b*strd!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that b*strd, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went to the Convenience Store to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and pow, it was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" I said, "I sure did." And held up my thumb to show her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that gay s.hit in our garden" she said. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. He asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.................... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villadevon Posted May 24, 2007 Share Posted May 24, 2007 Whats the difference between Olivia Newton John & Liverpool? Olivia Newton John didn't get **** in grease! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 The wife came home early and found her husband in >>>>> >>>>> their bedroom Making Love To a very attractive young woman. >>>>> >>>>>And was somewhat Upset. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this >>>>>to me -- >>>>> >>>>>A Faithful wife, the mother of your children! >>>>> >>>>>I'm leaving you. >>>>> >>>>>I want a divorce straight away!" >>>>> >>>>>And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love,so at least >>>>>I can >>>>>tell you what happened." " >>>>> >>>>>Fine, go ahead," she Sobbed, " >>>>> >>>>>But they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into The car to >>>>>drive home >>>>> >>>>>And This young lady here asked me for a lift. >>>>> >>>>>She looked so down and out and Defenseless that I took pity on >>>>>her >>>>> >>>>>and let her into the car. >>>>> >>>>>I Noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very >>>>>dirty. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! >>>>> >>>>> So, in my compassion, I Brought her home and warmed up the >>>>>enchiladas I >>>>> >>>>> made for you last night, The Ones you wouldn't eat >>>>> >>>>>Because you're afraid you'll put on weight. >>>>> >>>>>The Poor Thing devoured them in moments. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a >>>>> >>>>> shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes >>>>>were dirty >>>>>and >>>>> >>>>> full of holes so I threw Them away. >>>>> >>>>>Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans >>>>> >>>>>That You have had for a few years, but don't use because >>>>> >>>>> you say they are too Tight. >>>>> >>>>>I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary >>>>> >>>>>Present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. >>>>> >>>>>I found The Sexy blouse my sister Gave you for Christmas that >>>>> >>>>> you don't use just to Annoy her, and I also donated those >>>>>boots you >>>>> >>>>> bought at the expensive Boutique and don't use because someone >>>>>at work >>>>>has >>>>> >>>>> a pair the same. >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>>The husband took a quick breath and continued - >>>>> "She was so grateful for My Understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me With Tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JulieB Posted June 7, 2007 Share Posted June 7, 2007 Ha ha on that note:................... A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch. So the thing is" the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day."So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I have." says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She has" says the bloke. And what is it?" asks the doctor. . . . . . . . "We're having a new kitchen!!!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avfc2810 Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 what do you do if a blond woman lobs a bomb in to your house ? you take the pin out and lob it back:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
avfc2810 Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 a man walks in to a bar he says ouch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hycus-flange Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 a man walks in to a bar he says ouch hope it was a smoke free one :winkold: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 Shamelessly stonel from Radio 4's Jo Caulfield show.... If in chinatown in london, you come across a Chinese restaurant full of Chinese people eating, the food is probably excellent. If you go to a Polish Restaurant in London and its its full of Polish people, the foots probably dreadful, but they will have excellent plastering on the walls.... And in a Star Wars Fancy Dress competition, there are no winners and losers........ Only Losers.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mb Posted June 11, 2007 Share Posted June 11, 2007 What is the difference between Dimitar Berbatov and a mini ? A mini can only 'carry' three people. ---- What has Paul Robinson and Michael Jackson got in common ? They both wear gloves for no apparent reason. --- The seven dwarves are mining one day when the cave collapses trapping them all inside. Snow White rushes to the entrance and calls down to them all. "Totteham are a big club", a voice calls from the distance. "Thank God", says Snow White. "Dopey is still alive". --- What do you say to a Tottenham fan with a good looking bird on his arm? Nice tattoo. --- What is the difference between a battery and a Tottenham fan ? The battery has a positive side. --- How can you tell ET is a Tottenham fan. Because he looks like one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daholteend Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 The plane leaves the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts and emergency exits. Then she said, "Please sit back and enjoy the flight while your captain, Jane Smythe, and her crew fly you safely to Paris." The bloke in the next seat to me calls the flight attendant over and asks "Did I hear that right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact the co-pilot is also female and in fact, the entire crew is female." "Ohhhhhhhhhhh ?" said the bloke, "I'd better have a very large scotch in that case. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit." "Well that's another thing you should know sir," said the attendant, "We No Longer call it The Cock Pit. It's now known as "The Box Office" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 What has Paul Robinson and Michael Jackson got in common ? They both wear gloves for no apparent reason. Phew. I was expecting some sort of scandalous allegations thrown Robinson's way there! (He wouldn't have caught them) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexicon Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 I once attempted to make a wedding cake, but it ended in tiers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kalim_a Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts