WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[kimmie]

mwahahaha

[Hev]

A man who is very self-conscious of his bald head and his wooden

> >>leg

> >> >has been invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what

> >>costume to

> >> >wear to hide his baldness and his leg, so he writes to a fancy

> >>dress

> >> >company to explain the problem.

> >> >

> >> >

> >> >

> >> > A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

> >> >

> >> > "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted

> >> >handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg

> >>you will be

> >> >just right as a pirate".

> >> >

> >> > The man thinks this is terrible because they have just

> >>emphasised his

> >> >wooden leg - so he writes them a VERY rude letter of complaint.

> >> >

> >> >

> >> >

> >> > A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which

> >>says:

> >> >

> >> > "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous insensitive suggestion.

> >>Please

> >> >find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your

> >>wooden leg,

> >> >and, with your bald head you will really look the part."

> >> >

> >> > Now the man is furious - since they have gone from emphasising

> >>his

> >> >wooden leg to focussing on his bald head. So this time he writes

> >>them a

> >> >REALLY rude letter of complaint.....

> >> >

> >> >

> >> > The next week he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:

> >> >

> >> > "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the

> >>tin of

> >> >golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your

> >>arse - and

> >> >go as a **** toffee apple!"

>

(Sorry about typing/layout - just copied it from an E Mail at work)

[Guest RantinRob]

Cinderella, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were sitting around talking, as they normally do.

Cinderella said, "I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and that makes me feel great."

Tom Thumb said, "I'm the smallest person in the world, and that makes me feel good."

Quasimodo says, "I'm the most miserable, tight-fisted, ugly **** in the world, and I'm damned proud of it! But a thought has occured to me. How do we know for sure that these things are true?"

"I know," said Tom Thumb, "Let's go see Merlin the Magician. He has a crystal ball and will be able to see if what we say is true." So the three of them trot off down the road.

Cinders goes first. After a while she comes out, puts her arms in the air and sighs, "It's true, I am the most beautiful."

Tom is next, goes in, and soon comes out punching his fist in the air, "Aw'right! I am the smallest!"

Quasimodo goes in. Suddenly there is a loud scream. He comes out looking very pissed off and says, "Who the **** is Rantin Rob?"

Very funny

You black cuntry bastard!

[Designer1]

You leave us Black Country lads alone Robert! :winkold:

Speaking (or should that be spaking) of which...

White van man to pedestrian:

S'cuse me mate does yow now if there's a B & Q in Wolverhampton?

Pedestrian:

Sorry mate oi don't, but I nows theres 2 D's in Dudley

[Didiersix]

A man with a sore bottom decides to see a doctor,

who puts him on an examination table.

Doctor: "Ah, you have a lettuce leaf growing

out of your arse".

Patient: "Oh my goodness. Is it serious?"

Doctor: "It's just the tip of the iceberg".

[villahero]

what's the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometre ?.............the taste

how do you know when a blackbird has been taking ectasy ?......because he's a raven

2 scottish cows in a field, which one is on holiday ?........the one with the wee calf ( week off )

naked man running around glasgow with a doc Martin on his knob...one bloke says to other " is he mad ? "

other bloke replies " nah, he's just **** aboot "

[A.J.Rimmer]

What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pussy?

Cuntstubble.

[ligs]

Scottish guy walks into a bar and says "I'll have a pint of Whitbread".

Barman pours it, Scottish bloke goes to the toilet.

A very large black lady is standing at the other end of the bar, while he's in the toilet she comes over, lifts his pint off the bar and farts in it. The barman looks rather shocked.

On returning from the toilet the Scottish guy lifts up his pint, but the barman whispers something in his ear. A look of disgust spreads across his face, and he approaches the large black lady...

"Eh, did you fart in my Whitbread?" he asks.

"No, I'm Tessa Sanderson."

[Guest RantinRob]

What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pussy?

Cuntstubble.

Bwahahahaha

[A.J.Rimmer]

A plane is on its way to Toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for 'Economy' and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy seat and will have to return to her original place.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here!'

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Toronto."

[Hev]

Nojokes posted for nearly a week (wonder what could have been occupying our minds?) - so here's a couple I just got sent on e mail:-

(1) Italian, Frenchman and Irishman

The Italian says "After I make a-love to my a-wife I kiss her from her a-neck to her a-knees and she floats-a 20 centimetres above-a the bed in ecstasy".

The Frenchman says "Zat eez notheeng, after I make passionate love to my wife I kiss her all down her body and then kiss zee soles of her feet and she floats 1 metre above zee bed in ectasy".

The Irishman says " Dat`s nuttun, after Oiv`e shagged me missus Oi woipe me cock on the curtains and she hits the fuckun ceiling".

(2) Little Old Lady In Court:-

THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT. . .

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:? What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me!, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!! And that's when I shot him, the little bastard."

(3) Welsh Water:-

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one

day, when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the

stream which ran down from one of his fields

Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man

"Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n ych-y-fi!"

(Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!)

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand

to his ear shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on

drinking.

Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer

moved closer and yelled...

"Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"

(Don't drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the

water.)

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer.

Finally the farmer walked right up to the man at the stream

and once again said..."Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid a'i yfed!"

(Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!)

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a

word you said dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man

at the stream in a extremely fine English accent.

"Oh I see....," said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you

use both hands you can get plenty more in..."

[Demitri_C]

SILVER BACK:

A man and his wife were spending a day at the zoo. She was wearing a

loose-fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual

jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape section, they passed in

front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and

holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with

his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink

dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested

that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and

wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited,

making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a

little more skin. She did this and the gorilla was about to tear the bars

down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This

drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung

her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now tell him you have a headache."

[claretman]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted at me "Oi, What's your disability mate?".

I said, "Tourrettes. Now **** off you cu.nt"

[bob]

What do you call a black pilot?

A pilot you racist!

[RichardCanning]

Possibly in bad taste, but anyway:

The Australian government today released a statement saying that Steve Irwin would have survived had he worn sunscreen as it protects against harmful and dangerous rays :oops:

[Juju]

While on holiday in Kenya and walking through the bush

a man comes across an elephant standing with one leg

raised in the air. The elephant seems distressed so

the man approaches very carefully. He gets down on one

knee and inspects the bottom of the elephant's foot

only to find a large thorn deeply imbedded. As

carefully and as gently as he can he removes the thorn

and the elephant gingerly puts its foot down. The

elephant turns to face the man and stares at him

intently. For a good ten minutes the man and elephant

stand transfixed. Eventually the elephant turns and

walks away. For years after the man often remembers

and ponders the events of that day...

One day the man is walking through the zoo with his

son. As they approach the elephant enclosure, one of

the elephants turns and walks over to where they are

standing at the rail. It stares at him and the man

can't help wondering if this is the same elephant. The

man climbs tentatively over the railing and makes his

way into the enclosure. He walks right up to the

elephant and stares back in wonder. Suddenly the

elephant wraps its trunk around one of the man's legs

and swings him wildly back and forth along the

railing, instantly killing him.

Probably not the same elephant then.

[Guest RantinRob]

^^^ muhahahahahahahaaaaaaaa :-)

[Designer1]

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says, "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me."

I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol".

[duncandares]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaimed, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said, "BRING POSSE!"

--------------------

[shirdi]

SPORTS COMMENTATOR SLIP-UPS

1. "Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."...(Alan Minter)

2. "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing ! " ... (Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)

3. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him." ... (New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)

4. "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." ... (Ted Walsh - horse racing commentator)

5. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." ... (Winston Bennett)

6. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." ... (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

7. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother." ..... (Greg Norman)

8. "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables - Soccer Coach)

9. "I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)

10. "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

11. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field" (Metro Radio)

12. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

13. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

14. "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." (David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

15. "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them....Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

16. "For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is behind the brown." (Ted Lowe, Snooker commentator)

17. True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob,where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" ... Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!