sheriffvilla Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it very slow." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gizmo Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 Try spelling it kneaded and you might get the joke At last I get it !!! Ok... Seriously... I don't get it. Call me dense if you like but it's winding me up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 bakers have to do something to bread with their hands called "kneading".......it mixes all the ingredients together (I have a breadmaker that does all that but that's another thread) So------- he needed a poo? but he "kneaded" a poo------ so he played with his own cack, therefore got brown hands. I take it you're not a rocket scientist? :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gizmo Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 bakers have to do something to bread with their hands called "kneading".......it mixes all the ingredients together (I have a breadmaker that does all that but that's another thread) So------- he needed a poo? but he "kneaded" a poo------ so he played with his own cack, therefore got brown hands. I take it you're not a rocket scientist? :-) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh I seeeeeeeeee! Very funny. I applied for a rocket scientist job, but I didn't hear back. Ta. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 How do you know it was his own poo? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted June 24, 2006 Share Posted June 24, 2006 I don't. He was obviously "scat"ty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted July 4, 2006 VT Supporter Share Posted July 4, 2006 A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the FA Cup Final from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. About halfway through the first half, Bob notices an empty seat 5 rows off the pitch right on the halfway line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the elderly gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Cup Final and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1962." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted July 4, 2006 Moderator Share Posted July 4, 2006 I got a ticket froma traffice warden for parking in the disabled space this morning. "What's your disability?" he said. "Tourettes," said I, "Now **** off you word removed!" Oh I want to use that so badly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grogan_Avfc Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 An attractive blonde woman is working in her allotment. She has been trying for weeks but still can't get her tomatoes to ripen. So she goes to the next allotment and asks the man, "excuse me, but how do you get your tomatoes to ripen?" "Oh thats easy" replies the man "I just stand in front of them and flash myself at them twice a day for 2 weeks." So the woman heads back to her allotment and follows the mans instructions for 2 weeks, but with no joy. So back she ges to the allotment next door. "Oh Hi" says the man "did your tomatoes ripen yet?" "not yet" she replies "but my cucumbers are enormous." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gareth_barry's_left_foot Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 What I did on my summer holiday. ANYONE WHO WANTS THIS VERY FUNNY DIARY ENTRY WILL NEED TO PM GBLF - SORRY BUT IT IS LIBELLOUS AND WE CANNOT ALLOW IT TO STAY - MODS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gareth_barry's_left_foot Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Sorry Chaps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gareth_barry's_left_foot Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 FIFA Press release It has been confirmed that two members of the Portuguese football team, which beat England on penalties in the quarter finals of the world cup, failed a drugs test taken after the match. If the subsequent tests ('B Samples') confirm this, under FIFA rule 12.1, Subsection 3, Portugal will be disqualified and England would play France in an replayed Semi Final which would be played tomorrow. The England team will fly out to Germany today to await the verdict from FIFA. Wayne Rooney will not be suspended as the Portugal match will be deleted from the records. A statement from the English FA follows below. Carlsberg don't issue FIFA press releases, but if they did they would probably be the best press releases in the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Demitri_C Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 >In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. >For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of >Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called >Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. > >The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful >consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that >it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were >Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. > >Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid >form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for >use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself >a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it >gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good >old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the >name of: MOUNT & DO. > >Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and >Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there >should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections >and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday." His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother." So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father." Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday." The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?" The son says, "Yes dad I have." "Good son, what is it?" The son replies, "I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bastards" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bickster Posted July 7, 2006 Moderator Share Posted July 7, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Can't believe nobody's posted this already unless its elsewhere: Christiano Ronaldo goes to the Doctors and complains that he gets sexually aroused when looking in the mirror. "I'm not suprised" says the Doctor, "You're a word removed!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claretman Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 ^^^ Hmm, the word removed somewhat spoils the joke. it should obviously spell cuuuunnnt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ligs Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 >>What's black and blue and doesnt like sex? The rape victim in the boot of my car. >>Whats the difference between a cvnt and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take out the meat. >>How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? Two - one to change the lightbulb and the other one to suck my cock. >>The son of a wealthy businessman has his pick of three beautiful women. He cannot choose between the three of them, so he sets them a task. He says to all three - here is £1000, whoever best spends this money will be my future wife. The first woman comes back and says to him "my love, I have spent the £1000 on beauty products for myself, to make sure that you will always have a beautiful women on your arm". The son is impressed with this answer. The second women comes back and says "I have spent the £1000 on cookery lessons for myself so that you will always eat well and I will make sure you have perfect cuisine every night." Again, the son is impressed. The third woman says "I have spent the £1000 on tickets for you to see the world cup final, and of course I used my own money too, but you are worth it." The son agonises. All three women have performed the task exceedingly well, and he cannot separate the three of them. So in the end he marries the one with the biggest tits. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 >>What's black and blue and doesnt like sex? The rape victim in the boot of my car. >>Whats the difference between a cvnt and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take out the meat. >>How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? Two - one to change the lightbulb and the other one to suck my cock. they are superb - that last one had me laughing out loud! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trimandson Posted July 20, 2006 Share Posted July 20, 2006 Cinderella, Tom Thumb and Quasimodo were sitting around talking, as they normally do. Cinderella said, "I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, and that makes me feel great." Tom Thumb said, "I'm the smallest person in the world, and that makes me feel good." Quasimodo says, "I'm the most miserable, tight-fisted, ugly **** in the world, and I'm damned proud of it! But a thought has occured to me. How do we know for sure that these things are true?" "I know," said Tom Thumb, "Let's go see Merlin the Magician. He has a crystal ball and will be able to see if what we say is true." So the three of them trot off down the road. Cinders goes first. After a while she comes out, puts her arms in the air and sighs, "It's true, I am the most beautiful." Tom is next, goes in, and soon comes out punching his fist in the air, "Aw'right! I am the smallest!" Quasimodo goes in. Suddenly there is a loud scream. He comes out looking very pissed off and says, "Who the **** is Rantin Rob?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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