WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[Demitri_C]

whats the difference between a squirrel and small heath?

a squirrel has been in the champions league.

[Designer1]

A young newly wed couple wanted to join a church.

The reverend told them, "We have special requirements for new

parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the

husband obviously very depressed.

You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the Reverend inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain

from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly.

The Reverend asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was

difficult.... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to

abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,

reading from the Bible.... anything to keep our minds off carnal

thoughts.

One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.

When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my

way with her right then and there." Admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"

stated the Reverend.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Homebase either.

[Guest RantinRob]

^^^muhahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa :-)

[kimmie]

[LancsVillan]

I went to the cash machine first thing this morning and there was this

little old lady who asked me to check her balance for her, so I pushed

her and she fell over.

[ChrisVillan]

What's green and smells like paint?

Green Paint

I went to the cash machine first thing this morning and there was this

little old lady who asked me to check her balance for her, so I pushed

her and she fell over.

Supoib! Some of the longer jokes are ace too.

[LancsVillan]

Little Billy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell

his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Billy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at

school and at home.

Billy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for

his birthday.

Little Billy, of course, thought he did.

Billy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his

behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him

why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Billy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God

a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my

birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,

Billy.

Billy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,

so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Billy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and

I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Billy.

Billy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started

again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for

my birthday.

Your friend,

Billy.

Billy knew he could not send this letter to God either. Billy was very

upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to

church.

Billy's mother thought her plan had worked because Billy looked very

sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Billy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He

looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the

Virgin Mary.

He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the

street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a

pen. Billy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE **** BIKE.

[LancsVillan]

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the

Table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big hair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!,"he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from

the kitchen and y ells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to

go through this with you idiots?

* It was Momma Bear who got up first,

* It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,

* It was Momma Bear who made the coffee,

* It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night,

and put everything away,

* It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early

morning air to fetch the newspaper,

* It was Momma Bear who set the damn table,

* It was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box,

and filled the cat's water and food dish, And, now that you've

decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma

Bear's kitchen with your g rumpy presence, listen good, cause

I am only going to say this one more time.

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!

[LancsVillan]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the

table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the Bird's'

chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,

"I'm so Sorry, your duck has p assed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any

Testing on him or anything. He might just be i n a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned A

few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind

Legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck

From top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook

His head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments

later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly And

strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said , "I'm sorry, but as I said, this

Is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and

produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in s hock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried -

"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill

would have been £20,

but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

.

[Jimzk5]

ooooh lancs you only gone and posted one of oldest pub jokes ever.!

[sheriffvilla]

David Blaine was gutted yesterday when he found out that his 44 day record of doing **** all in a box was smashed by a six month attempt by Emile Heskey.

[trimandson]

What do you call an assorted bag of fannys?

Clirotis allsorts.

[Grogan_Avfc]

A man is walking past a primary school when he hears a very loud cry of '13! 13! 13!' coming from inside. wondering what the chanting is all about he finds a hole in the wall and looks through it. suddenly a small finger reaches from the classroom and pokes him in the eye. the kids then start chanting '14! 14! 14!'

[Daz1981]

One day a man wakes up out of his bed and wanders down stairs to b begin his day. He gets to the kitchen to have his breakfast where he is met by his wife.

"Morning huney" he says.

"You look like hell" is the reply from his wife.

"But i feel great" he retorts.

Anyway he continues with his breakfast whe his son joins him at the table, "Good mornin, son" as he greets his first born child.

"You look awful, dad!" the son replies.

"I feel great tho" the puzzled father responds.

So the man finishes his breakfast and leaves the house for work. He arrives at work only to be met by his boss.

"Mornin sir" says the man.

The man replies "are you ok? you look terrible!".

The man still puzzled "But i feel great, i feel amazing!"

The boss replies "well, i think u shoud take yourself over to the doctors and get yourself checked out".

So off goes the man to the doctors. He enters the doctors room and is asked what is wrong with him and the man explains that although he feels great everyone tells him he looks awful. So the doctor gets out his big book of diseases and illness and flicks thro.

" feels awful, looks great, ...no not that, erm, feel great looks great ... no no not that either, erm feels great looks awful ah ha got it"

" so doc wot is it, wot is it?"

"sorry sir" replies the doctor, "but you are a vagina!"

[A.J.Rimmer]

Man goes to the dentist.

"Open wide," says the dentist. "Oh, I see you had oral sex last night."

"My God!" says the man. "Have I got a hair stuck in my teeth."

"No, shit on your nose."

[A.J.Rimmer]

The Labour Party have today changed their emblem from a rose to a condom, as it more accurately reflects the Labour government's political reality.

Their spokesperson said:

"A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being ****."

[LancsVillan]

Living in 2006

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your

coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to. (yes I know these come around all the time but it made me laff)

[victie1]

I make no apologies for this piece concerning the gold digging bint (Alledgedly!)

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney.

Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split "He has

been my crutch for so long!!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have

no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped"

She's reported to be making frantic efforts to keep the split as civil

as possible.

"She's 'Running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she

will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out

on a relationship like this"

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the

marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing

a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and

subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement has been signed it

is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have

been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get

her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the

cause.

"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said "he would get home at

night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present

that Paul had got her for the wedding, she heard he was getting her a

plane.

It all became clear when she opened her first present and it was a

Ladyshave. It was not the type of plane she was expecting.

[ChrisVillan]

Ta victie.

[gareth_barry's_left_foot]

Take your pick....