Mandy Lifeboats

A young lady colleague was working on a case today where it was crucial to know if something happened in December or February. She foolishly asked for advice. My less than helpful reply was to ask the subject if they remembered it happening whilst everyone was wearing a red fur lined hat or carry 12 red roses. The joke caught on and others were soon suggesting forensic tests for traces of reindeer.......checking CCTV for anonymous deliveries of flowers......dusting for mince pie residue.......establishing the known location of all known dwarves etc. The joke apparently wore thin after 3 or 4 hours when she sent an email to everyone suggesting that we all travel and reproduce. One wag replied "To Lapland or a romantic weekend in Paris?"

Never buy a bomb from Acme. Especially if you are trying to kill a road-runner. Their Quality Control sucks.

I'd recommend the boardgame OGRE. It's a wargame where one side has a massive tank (OGRE) with loads of weapons and tough armour. The other side has lots of units but they are weaker. The rules are simple and its easy to learn. It's also pretty good for solo play. I played it a lot but was never able to beat the OGRE. By coincidence a colleague mentioned that he'd stopped playing it because the game balance was rubbish. He could never win with the OGRE. We set up a game and realised that it was only the tactics we were using and the game balance was spot on. That's the sort of game I like. Luck plays a part but tactics, counter tactics and adaptation are the key to winning.

Coins should have Lego studs on them. Instead of loose change in your pocket you could have a roll of coins. Great for the elderly. Keep 1 weeks pension with you in the shape of a walking stick. Trust me................this one's a winner.

I'm not sure how to feel about his death. At one stage he was clearly one of the worst terrorists and criminals. But on the other hand, he did brew a nice beer.

Monty Python was 5% genius and 95% awful. But the 5% is some of the best comedy ever. Much though I love the sketch, I could gladly kill anyone quoting the parrot sketch verbatim.

A colleague of mine once made a chocolate cake with a couple of bars of Ex-Lax chocolate. The thief was soon apparent to all. He tried to claim he'd been "poisoned". It was pointed out that if someone was constipated they can take the relevant medication in any way they wish. He left shortly afterwards. It's still talked about fondly as "Code Brown".

I'd noticed but was so impressed that my head fell off, thereby preventing me from congratulating you.

Nice to see a Blues win.

I am so glad that everyone in the Steve Bruce thread has ironed out their differences and come to a reasoned conclusion.

Why is most of Africa marked with the French Armed Forces flag?

Certain benefits stop as soon as someone undertakes 16 hours of work. Even if the work is unpaid. It could be that???

Fixed for you.

1. We overpay in wages. 2. There has been too much change over the past 3 seasons and we need a period of relative stability. 3. We expect success too quickly. This leads to managers making expensive and/or short term deals rather than investing in the medium to long term. 4. We now have the awful reputation with players and managers that we are a poisoned chalice for your long term career. The only reason to play for or manage Villa is for the cash. 5. We are a club that is perceived by all to be in deep trouble and on the way down. That's going to impact on the players we can attract, the sponsors we can attract, the money we earn and the desire of good players to stay.

Live for today but plan for tomorrow. Experiences are better than possesions. I should have admitted to my depression and sought help 10 years before I did. Never joke a trailing wire has given you a severe electric shock in front of your wife's boss who apparently lost her husband a few months ago when he mowed through the cable. True story.

9 of today's starting 11 weren't with us last season. Over the last 3 seasons we've had a ridiculous amount of change at all tiers of the club. It hasn't worked. Therefore we need to try something new.......... So.....let's stick with the current manager, coaches and core of players.....even if results are crap and the football is unattractive. It might not work but it's hardly a preposterous idea to install stability to a club that's been lacking it for far too long.

Guaranteed

People die and we find some but not all of the bodies. People can lie dead next to main roads and motorways for months if not years. Read the story of Chris McCandless. His body, camera and diary were only found because he died whilst sheltering in an abandoned bus on a wilderness trail. This makes it a tragic but interesting tale. It's not certain how he died but it's certainly not a mystery. Had he walked a couple of more miles and camped in the woods his body would probably still be missing. It would be a mysterious disappearance.

1. Captain Apollo. 2. Alan Simpson. 3. Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. They say bad things happen in threes. I wonder what the third one will be?

Well.......I've just woken up and realised it wasn't a dream. I truly hate the Patriots but that was the greatest Superbowl win ever. Wow. I hope Raider's win next year isn't so dramatic.

Had we been in this league position but we'd cleared out all of the high earning under-achievers and replaced them with young promosing players - then I'd be happy. I'd be content that we were planning for next year and the experience would develop them. But we haven't. We've spent millions and made some short-term signings in an attempt to get promotion this year. This team isn't much better than the team we ended last season with. My expectations are based on what we've spent rather than who we are.

Optimism + 45 minutes vs Brentford= Warren Aspinal Syndrome.

It was a slow day at work and we resorted to debating this statement: All competitive sports that involve a ball are based upon the competitors trying to place the ball(s) somewhere whilst the opposition tries to prevent them OR the competitors try to place the ball in a location before their opponents. We only came up with one "sport" that doesn't fit. That was skittles/bowling. Shotput was hotly debated as the weight of the object is the main factor. The fact it happens to be spherical is irrelevant. Can anyone think of any more? There must be thousands of ball games but seemingly only 2 basic rules.

Over the past 5 seasons I've felt genuinely optimistic on several occasions. I've seen various poor players and bad attitudes leave. They are replaced with fresh players with fresh attitudes who are surely much better than the players we lost. But 6 months later I realise that we've got the same problems.....just different names giving us those problems. Again, I feel optimistic that the squad is clearly much better after the transfer window than before. But I have a nagging doubt that I'll be disappointed once more. I think it's a medical condition called "Warren Aspinal Syndrome".

Police will rarely bother with small locking knives if you have a legitimate reason to carry one and it's in context. For example my wheel trims are secured to the wheel with plastic ties. If I need to change the wheel I need to cut those ties. That explanation will/has be accepted in a traffic stop. But it's not going to wash if you are on Platform 2 at New Street and you don't own a car.