Mandy Lifeboats

A colleague has just offered me £50 if I will walk into the next carriage and yell "Why does everyone always leave me?" We're presently negotiating the price.

On the train at the moment and I found myself sharing a table with 3 obnoxious and racist pensioners. I was carrying a spare PC keyboard. I took it out and started typing even though it wasn't connected. They didn't seem to notice. So I asked each one if they could lend me some paper for my typewriter? It's worked but rather too well and I now have the carriage to myself. Happy days.

I was chatting with an American based colleague today. He asked what the chances are that our next king or queen will be black? I'm thinking pretty slim.

I'll have you know that we are the world leader in covert cuckoo installation.

Cuckoo Update Last night the mystery cuckoo clock was ripped from the wall and deposited on the desk of the most likely suspect. This morning he sent an email around the team that said “Cuckoo Tango Tango Expedite”. In work-speak this means that the Cuckoo is in serious trouble and everyone needs to drop everything to activate the plan called “Tango Tango”. We haven’t got a plan coded “Tango Tango” so I asked for a copy. The response I got was “You don’t want to know boss. You really don’t want to know.” I’m on leave from about 10:00am today and not back until Tuesday afternoon. I’m already looking forward to Tuesday.

I’ve just got back from work and its been one of the funniest days ever. A few weeks ago a different department complained that we stole their wall clock and swapped it with our broken one. We were quite offended by this allegation. There was absolutely no evidence that we were responsible. I am assured that we were very careful not to leave any evidence when we stole it. They got so upset by the clock theft and it just encouraged us to escalate the matter. My team contains a “White Hat Hacker” who changed the colour of his hat for a few minutes whilst he reprogrammed their phone extensions. Every time they called a certain phone number it automatically included the speaking clock as a conference call after 5 minutes. Again the complaints came in. Again there was no proof. Today I got in at 7:30am. A complaint hit my in-box at 8:02. Someone (and I’ve got a bloody good idea who) managed to get into their office overnight and install a cuckoo clock. I’ve spent most of the day giving assurances that its nothing to do with us. I’m not sure how I maintained my composure when their boss phoned me and whilst he was ranting on there was the distinct sound of 11 cuckoos.

Its very quiet at work and we're having a rambling conversation to fill the time. At one stage prescription medicines were all dispenses in similar looking brown bottles. Each had a "childproof" lock which made a terrific clicking noise when turned and was virtually impossible for anyone to remove unless you were a 5 year old toddler. But prescription medicines are now dispensed in foil packets and cardboard boxes. Drug companies are using packaging that makes it easier for children to get at the Smarties and overdose on mom's anti-depressants. Are there any other commercial products that have been purposefully altered to make them less safe? Its akin to a car manufacturer abolishing airbags or making headlights less effective.

Pudsey the dog from Britain's Got Talent. My life is pointless without him. But at least we've still got his movie.

Civil Nuclear Constabulary officers are easy to deal with. Show them a mushroom and they run for miles*. *oh how they laugh....no-one has ever done that before.

You've probably bumped into some without realising. Certain areas (and Merseyside is one) utilise them as first responders and armed response. Speed near a nuclear power station and you'll definitely be able to add them to your speeding ticket collection.

Plus the Civil Nuclear Constabulary.

Henning Wehn once said that theither would never be a holocaust in Britain. Our railways aren't good enough. I may be a bad person but I found it very funny. I'd it acceptable that the topic is the Holocaust but the punchline is late trains? I suppose it's offensive if someone finds it offensive. But I don't.

Whenever I take my car in for service I worry that the garage will rip me off. I needn't have worried. I only needed new indicator fluid and the air in the horn refilled.

Last night I ventured into Brum for the first time in years to see Ricky Gervais' show. Thanks to the VTers who advised me to park at Five Ways. It worked a treat. Towards the end of the show a guy walked right to the front of the stage and interputed the show with "You used to be funny but you're not any more". Gervais just said "And?". The audience was there because they do think he's funny and reacted accordingly. Security removed him from the Arena before he could say anything else. If you've paid money and think the show is rubbish, why not leave and have a nice meal and a drink so that it hasn't been a wasted night. Regardless of whether you like the artist concerned or not, what the hell did he think it would achieve? What was his dream scenario? Gervais is hardly going to say "Fair point. I'll train to become an accountant instead. Thanks for the career advice." Nor is the audience likely to rise as one and shout "He's right you know. Your work has decreased in quality in comparison to several years ago."

Noel Blake. Joe Bennett.

Sirs, I give you my controversial entry.... Gilles De Bilde. Let the DEbate begin. Do you see what I did there?

Not fake but not drawn in 2002 either. The cartoon was drawn after the event.

Thanks for the advice. How long does it take to walk from there to the NIA?

I've just ventured into the Steve Bruce thread......................... I shall not be repeating that mistake.

I haven't lived in Brum for over 15 years. Does anyone have any suggestions for parking at the Barclaycard Arena/NIA on a Tuesday evening? Does it get gridlocked around the arena at closing? I'll be heading South out of the city afterwards.

In China 4, or any number containing a 4, is considered unlucky. It's not uncommon for hotels to avoid having floors number 4, 14, 24 etc. That's why no-one had ever seen a car with Chinese number plates leaving the M4 at Junction 4. Fact.

Yesterday I took my car back to the main dealer for its first service. Everything was booked for 8 am and I arrived promply expecting to drop the keys and go. Instead I spent the next 20 minutes with a sales rep badly disguised as a mechanic. Did I want a service plan? Had I downloaded the dealers app? As I was a valued customer I qualified for a "free" valet and complimentary car wash. I declined to give me email address for marketing purposes. Apparently this meant I was missing out on "exciting opportunities" and wouldn't receive advanced notifications of VIP events. I'd also miss out on having a video of my car service emailed to me. The straw that broke the camel's back was when we walked arouns the car noting dents and scratches. "If you sign up for our super deluxe plan we'll get rid of that big scratch for free" he said pointing to the door. I leaned forward, wiped a spiders web from the door and explained in very blunt terms that I had no desire to buy a service plan from someone that couldn't tell the dfference between a bodywork scratch and a spider's web. Does anyone fall for this salesmen talk? It just annoys the hell out of me.

If he's released on a tag I hope it's on the correct leg. 33.3%

My grandfather was very proud that he shot down a German plane with just his service revolver. 1976- Birmingham Airport. LUFTHANSA.

Here's a fact that once you've read you'll just have to check out. Most (but not all) pedestrian crossings have a secret button. It's underneath the box towards the right. It's cone shaped and textured. It spins when it's safe to cross. It helps blind people when there is a lot of traffic noise. Or.........this might be an urban legend. You'll never know unless you check!