Mandy Lifeboats

An American wakes up in hospital. Doctor 》You were involved in a terrible car crash 3 months ago. You suffered major injuries but everything has healed apart from one thing. We had to amputate your penis. But don't worry. There is $12,000 left from your insurance pay out. We can make you a new penis but it will cost $1000 per inch. Anything you don't spend you can keep. Talk it over with your wife and let me know what size you want. The following day........... Doctor 》 Have you chatted with your wife? Patient 》Yes Doctor 》What are you having? Patient 》A fitted kitchen with granite worktops.

Thanks for the info Mr Collim...........(this post has been terminated by the Villa Talk automatic liable detector)

1. No we are not. There are tough times ahead but it's only a matter of time until we bounce back. 2. Villa has a brand and a history. That's worth something. 3. Football is one of the few businesses where you can operate badly, produce a poor product but still get people buying your product out of pure loyalty. 4. We have a fan base that is larger than 95% of English clubs. We may go into lower leagues but we will eventually find a level where even our worst levels of support are far superior to our competitors. 5. There's always FC Villa of Aston to fall back on. 6. What we are facing now is no worse than what Wolves, Brighton and Rangers faced in fairly recent history. 7. Disasters sell papers. The Media aren't going to give us a fair and reasonable picture. They are going to portray the worst possible scenario. The Millenium bug didn't cause us to go back to the Stone Age; no-one caught aids from swimming in Freddie Mercury's local baths; the UK banking system didn't collapse; that idiot TV reality star Trump suffered a humiliating defeat in the presidential election.* * OK. .........I accept there are exceptions.

Wow......even earlier than I jokingly predicted.

Bob Dylan - Hey Mr Tambourine man play a song for me. How many songs have ever been played on the Tambourine?

Springsteen - Can't start a fire without a spark. There are numerous ways.

Busted - "I've been to the year 3000. Not much has changed but they live underwater. But your great great great grand-daughter looks mighty fine." With a generation being approximately 25-30 years apart this could not account for a period of 1000 years without significant changes to life expectancy.

Abba- My my, at Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender. No....he lost but definitely didn't surrender.

I'll start you off with a few examples. Band Aid - "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time." There's are several mountains in Africa that are snow capped in December. Such as....... Toto - "Kilimanjaro rising like Mount Olympus above the Serengeti." Not unless it's moved. Julie Andrews - "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down". Dangerous advice to diabetics. Oasis - "Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball." Cannonballs are rarely noted for their slow velocity. Does anyone want to offer any more?

Why is a girl from Wolverhampton like a Las Vegas hooker? They will both have sex for a pile of chips.

Falling down stairs and fracturing my skull. Luckily there was no lasting damage. The goblin that lives in my head used his magic to make me better. Spoons.

My great-niece is staying with us at the moment because her dad is a complete tw@t. .......but that's irrelevant. It's become apparent that she has been conducting secret experiments. On Saturday she lost a milk tooth and didn't tell anyone. She put it under her pillow and the Tooth Fairy has been conspicuous by her absence. She told me about the tooth yesterday and suddenly the Tooth Fairy is dishing out money. She confronted me today with the results of her experiment and made a well reasoned conclusion that I put the money under her pillow and not the Tooth Fairy. This leads me to conclude 3 things. 1. She is destined for a career in science. 2. Kids are easy to fool. She now believes my version of events. The Tooth Fairy will never collect a tooth until the appropriate parent or guardian is aware of the tooth loss. 3. She might be doing other experiments on me that I am yet to discover. Does Uncle Mandy wake up when you drop ludo counters into his mouth? Can adults tell if you put Plasticine in their curry?

Will everyone wear orange at Dale Winton's funeral?

Barbara Bush - 92

GOAT? Probably. I saw him ride many times. He was one of those riders who could win without looking like he was trying. A true professional.

Eric Bristow throwing the darts. Stephen Hawking answering the questions Jim Bowen telling them that their prizes are safe.

Tell us more.

Hold onto something sturdy......because these will blow you away. I was on holiday at Pontins whilst Holiday On The Buses was filmed. I was 2, don't remember it and didn't get on screen. I was on holiday with Tyson Fury. He was very "tired" and didn't say much. I went to the same school as Tessa Sanderson and the lead singer of Babylon Zoo. But not at the same time. I apparently worked with Apprentice star Ruth Badger. But I don't remember her. She remembers me but not in a good way. I once looked around Roger Moore's holiday home. It was too expensive and he would not reduce the asking price. I slept with Carol Decker from T'Pau. (We were asleep in the same room.)

Ant is the one with the electronic tag and the curfew order would be a useful aide memoir. Every cloud has a silver lining etc.

I can never remember which one is Ant and which one is Dec. I wonder if one of them will ever do something really memorable that will help me remember?

It's time for the UK to announce some serious retaliation. 1. 500% tax levy on Russia dolls. 2. Lada cars to be limited to 255mph. 3. The role of the KGB chief to be played by Alan Carr in the next Bond movie. 4. England to ruin the World Cup by playing terribly and not seeming to care during the Group Stage. 5. No-one allowed to attend more than 3 performances of Swan Lake in any 12 month period. 6. On 5th November a small rocket to accidentally land in the garden of the Russian Embassy. That should give the sausage eating, garlic breathed, Ikea loving, rednecks something to think about.

Nyet

Of coures not. Commercial airliners don't have joysticks. I got to blow up the balloon that keeps the plane in the sky using the pink tube with the purple valve.

I last posted in this topic a few days ago. Since then I've been thinking what was better in the 19 70s than now. It's not a long list. 1. Football shirts. With no sponsors plasterered all over they looked much better. There are a few horrendous exceptions (see Coventry' Brown Away shirt) but on the whole they were great. Nothing beats the Villa European Cup white shirt. 2. Traffic Jams. Less cars on the road meant less jams. But motoring in general is much better now. 3. Care for the elderly. Society seemed more caring. I was going to include care for the mentally ill but debate still rages whether care in the community beats the old fashioned "loony bin" as my gran called it. 4. Air Travel Yes it was expensive. But it felt special. Tickets delivered in a leather travel wallet, free drinks, newspapers, free food etc. Kids were guarantee a free toy plane, captain's badge and trip to the flight deck. I remember sitting on the pilots lap and "flying" the plane. 5. Epcot Walt Disney is one of my heroes. Although he was a businessman he was also a visionary. Epcot should have been a huge step forward for town planning. Not a theme park. 6. Er......struggling now..........UK Professional Wresting. Just before the footy scores. Big Daddy, Jimmy Breaks, Catweasel, Giant Haystacks etc. 7. Nothing else. The best era to grow up on is today. Better health care, better technology, safer world and more enlightened population.

When I was a kid........... 3 TV stations that transmitted for about 14 hours a day. We didn't have a phone in the house until I was in junior school. White dog shit on the pavement. Lead in petrol. Cars rusted away after a few years. On cold mornings it could take half a dozen tries to fire up most cars. On a Sundays the only things open were corner shops and garden centres. Supermarkets sold food and nothing else. The wine isle consisted of Blue Nun and Black Tower. Pubs were for men. Clouds of tobacco smoke, beer, crisps and darts. If you found a pub with a beer garden that did sandwiches it was considered posh. Terrible racism. My parents and grandparents were very racist. Using derogatory names was the norm. Sexism and sexual harassment were the norm. Benny Hill, Carry On Nurse, On The Buses, et al. An obsession with winning World War 2. As a kid I had toy soldiers, toy guns, action man and airfix kits. My generation spent childhood learning how to kill Germans. People who talk about the good old days are deluded. There's no better time to live than today.