Eames Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Hi Guys, Really needing some advice here. My wife of 3 years (together for 11 years) told me last night that she thought we should split up. She told me that she loves me but is not 'in love with me'. This was not said during an arguement (we don't ever really argue), I turned around to her and asked her if anything was wrong as she looked a bit down. I was shocked as I thought things were good and we wanted the same things in life. I can be very lazy and have become a bit chubbier over the years and I have said I will go to the gym. She said she doesn't know if she can recreate the 'spark'. I have asked for a chance to change and prove to her that I can make our marriage work. I am just confused why she does not want to fight at all. When I ask her if she wants to try she says "I don't know". I have asked he if she fancies/seeing anyone else but she swerars she is not. I am frustrated as I don't know how or if I can fix things. Even if I can in the short-term, it will always be in the back of my mind that she is not attracted to me. But I love her so much. My vows meant something to me and that is why I want to fight. I am sorry if this is all jumbled but I am finding it hard to think straight. Any one got any advice or been in the same position? Sorry to hear that mate - seems a bit shallow to suggest that you gaining a few pounds is the problem. My cynical side says that she has met someone else but obviously based on what you have said this is totally unfounded. Maybe she thinks she is protecting you by dead-panning and "I don't knows" rather than actually telling you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Any one got any advice or been in the same position? Hi mate, really sorry to hear that. I'm in a scarily similar situation to you in that I've been with my OH for 11 years, married for 3, and yes I've put on a few extra pounds these last few years so should probably get my house in order! Is your OH mixing in any different circles lately? Spending more time on the Internet (Facebook?) for example. Much like in employment, I don't think people generally try to end a relationship unless they think they have something better to go to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Maybe she thinks she is protecting you by dead-panning and "I don't knows" rather than actually telling you? With a potential divorce on the cards and all the financial pitfalls that could occur she'd be mad to admit to seeing someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irreverentad Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Any one got any advice or been in the same position? Hi mate, really sorry to hear that. I'm in a scarily similar situation to you in that I've been with my OH for 11 years, married for 3, and yes I've put on a few extra pounds these last few years so should probably get my house in order! Is your OH mixing in any different circles lately? Spending more time on the Internet (Facebook?) for example. Much like in employment, I don't think people generally try to end a relationship unless they think they have something better to go to. Hi Tamuff, Thanks for the reply. I have thought about if she is seing someone else but she does not have time. She picks me up after work about 5:30pm. Then she goes to the gym and we spend our weekends together generally. She has lost a lot of weight in the last few months so the gym thing checks out. I just don't know what I can do. I asked her if it would help if we spend more time together ie date night or I lose some weight and I keep getting the non committal answer. She has never said the weight was the problem but I fear as she has lost a bit she might now think she is better than me. I am just devastated that after being together for 11 years she does not want to fight for our relationship. I am in a state of shock and cannot really believe it is happening to me. I feel I am in a nightmare. Honestly there was no clues. I surely deserve more of an explanation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irreverentad Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Maybe she thinks she is protecting you by dead-panning and "I don't knows" rather than actually telling you? With a potential divorce on the cards and all the financial pitfalls that could occur she'd be mad to admit to seeing someone else. She knows it would be a 50/50 split and we would sell the house for not much more than we bought it for 6 years ago. No kids involved either. So she has nothing to lose. I really wan to rescue our marriage but I don't want to keep making her unhappy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Genie Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Sounds to me like she's getting a bit more attention now shes lost the weight and is thinking she'd like to see if the grass is greener. If she's spending a lot of time at the gym but isn't so keen on you going might she have a 'friend' there? Maybe you could insist on going along to see what her reaction would be? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eames Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Maybe she thinks she is protecting you by dead-panning and "I don't knows" rather than actually telling you? With a potential divorce on the cards and all the financial pitfalls that could occur she'd be mad to admit to seeing someone else. She knows it would be a 50/50 split and we would sell the house for not much more than we bought it for 6 years ago. No kids involved either. So she has nothing to lose. I really wan to rescue our marriage but I don't want to keep making her unhappy. Tamuff is talking a lot of sense. Go to the gym and see for yourself what is going on. Insist that that is what you are going to do. You probably aren't doing anything wrong mate so do not blame yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irreverentad Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Maybe she thinks she is protecting you by dead-panning and "I don't knows" rather than actually telling you? With a potential divorce on the cards and all the financial pitfalls that could occur she'd be mad to admit to seeing someone else. She knows it would be a 50/50 split and we would sell the house for not much more than we bought it for 6 years ago. No kids involved either. So she has nothing to lose. I really wan to rescue our marriage but I don't want to keep making her unhappy. Tamuff is talking a lot of sense. Go to the gym and see for yourself what is going on. Insist that that is what you are going to do. You probably aren't doing anything wrong mate so do not blame yourself. While I am pretty sure she is not cheating. I might just turn up and make a suprise visit rather than tell her I will go. I want to fight for my marriage BUT she has to want it too otherwise whats the point. She told me this morning that she wouldshould both think things over today and she will have made a decision by tonight. WTF!!!??? I replied that I don't need to think about things as I took our vows seriously. No I am at work waiting for her to see if she wants to make our marriage worked. It is so messed up! This time yesterday I thought we were the most solid couple in the world and that we would always be together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarewsEyebrowDesigner Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 If the spark goes, it's good night Vienna. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b6bloke Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Hi Guys, Really needing some advice here. My wife of 3 years (together for 11 years) told me last night that she thought we should split up. She told me that she loves me but is not 'in love with me'. This was not said during an arguement (we don't ever really argue), I turned around to her and asked her if anything was wrong as she looked a bit down. I was shocked as I thought things were good and we wanted the same things in life. I can be very lazy and have become a bit chubbier over the years and I have said I will go to the gym. She said she doesn't know if she can recreate the 'spark'. I have asked for a chance to change and prove to her that I can make our marriage work. I am just confused why she does not want to fight at all. When I ask her if she wants to try she says "I don't know". I have asked he if she fancies/seeing anyone else but she swerars she is not. I am frustrated as I don't know how or if I can fix things. Even if I can in the short-term, it will always be in the back of my mind that she is not attracted to me. But I love her so much. My vows meant something to me and that is why I want to fight. I am sorry if this is all jumbled but I am finding it hard to think straight. Any one got any advice or been in the same position? You have made it clear that you are prepared to make a go of it and as tough as it seems dont try and push it too far past that as guilt may just prolong the inevitable. It does seems strange that she hasn't sat down with and said "x" is wrong "y" is wrong and we need to try and change it which is what makes me think she has really made her mind up here. Maybe she is getting a little extra attention at the gym, and yes maybe there is someone she fancies but its not 100% she is sleeping about. It sounds as though no matter what it is she has made her mind up and offering to lose weight etc wont change her mind. Sounds as though she may have a vision in her head how life could be if she was single and though there is nothing you can say or do she may think the grass is greener on the other side which is never what it seems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eames Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 In terms of putting the spark back, in order to make this a "proper" VT thread I'm going to have to suggest doing her up the wrong 'un. It just doensn't feel right without it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MCU Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Demand the truth. I don't believe a relationship of 11 years would randomly end with her not giving you a good enough reason. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted July 13, 2011 VT Supporter Share Posted July 13, 2011 I think she's cheating. Just saying, like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irreverentad Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Demand the truth. I don't believe a relationship of 11 years would randomly end with her not giving you a good enough reason. I agree. I am sick of the don't knows. I would rather have a definate answer. I just in two minds about whether to pressurize her into an answer at this stage. As I said I am stunned. No idea at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irreverentad Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I think she's cheating. Just saying, like. This may sound stupid but I am almost certain she is not physically cheating. It is whether she is emotionally wanting someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparey16 Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Sorry to hijack the post abit, but how long do you lot reckon is the 'right' amount of time to be out of an year and half relationship to start a new one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MCU Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Sorry to hijack the post abit, but how long do you lot reckon is the 'right' amount of time to be out of an year and half relationship to start a new one? Only you know that mate. If you've moved on, you've moved on... Go have fun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sparey16 Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 What if the other person involved has/or is coming out of a relationship? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GarethRDR Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Sorry to hijack the post abit, but how long do you lot reckon is the 'right' amount of time to be out of an year and half relationship to start a new one? There is no "right" timescale, you're ready when you're ready. After my first girlfriend finished with me (who incidentally trundled out the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line as a reason, only later to be found out that she was doing the dirty, ergo as much as I don't like to say the worst I'm inclined to agree with Mike's frank assessment, irreverentad) I was in my next relationship within 3 weeks, but it took me 3 months to court my current girlfriend as she had just finished a relationship and wasn't ready for another straight away. Different strokes for different folks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MCU Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Demand the truth. I don't believe a relationship of 11 years would randomly end with her not giving you a good enough reason. I agree. I am sick of the don't knows. I would rather have a definate answer. I just in two minds about whether to pressurize her into an answer at this stage. As I said I am stunned. No idea at all. Probably a long shot off here but if she's going to play those sort of games, walk before she does. Don't wake up everyday in hope of her letting you back if you know it's only going to hurt you more in the end. Talk to her again when you get home, and let her know it's killing you inside. Also, don't worry about the reason being your weight or lazyness. She loves you for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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