Parenting Corner: The joys and trials of raising little Villans

[lapal_fan]

32 minutes ago, AVFC_Hitz said:

Does he have responsibility around the house? Setting the table, emptying the dishwasher, laundry and so on? 

At eight he might respond to general encouragement and praise for the good things he does. Bringing him into the household management on a smaller scale might make him feel more important, too. Writing the shopping list with him, planning the weekend, filling out the family planner could also be beneficial.

Good question, yea he does.  We don't often eat at the table (my office is the dining room), but when we do he sets it.  He puts his clothes away (we don't have a dishwasher, and he doesn't do the washing up (it would be gross)), he takes his plate in the kitchen and stuff.

We're going through the "tidy up after yourself stuff" phase now.

He's pretty stubborn about reading and writing (he's a bit behind where he needs to be) and therefore doesn't want to work at those.  I have always read to him at bedtime (A LOT), but COVID meant he missed 1/3 of reception and 1/3 of year one.. (he was always a bright spark at nursery).  He's good at maths though and as I mentioned, he's extremely sporty (he's actually really good at cricket).  

We're currently trying to set time every day for him to read to one of us, usually me as Mrs lap does the dinner, but it's getting quite difficult.  I've told him he can read anything , because something is better than nothing.

I actually think deep down it's a control issue.  He's always been a good kid, at school his teachers always champion his empathy and emotional maturity towards others in his class, but I think he's worried about year 4 and reading/writing stuff.

I think we're just about on top of it, but blowing off steam here helps (I actually think this is the first time I've ever aired a problem on VT!).

[lapal_fan]

32 minutes ago, Marka Ragnos said:

In my own experience, this would normally call for a change in tactic. I might come down to his level (physically getting down face to face, too, instead of standing above) and try to have a seriously rational discussion about choices and everyone's feelings and needs and consequences. It sounds like weak sauce, but it does sometimes break up an impasse. Sort of a "OK, we need to stop and talk" parenting move, and then lay out some new realistic choices but get him to invest in the process of working them out, if that makes sense? Anyway, best wishes. I sympathise!

It's so awesome your kid isn't welded mentally to digital stuff and likes to go outside. Well done with that! You're doing something right, that's for sure.

I will say that we're a family of talkers.  My wife can raise her voice, but I think that's a hiding to nothing because once you regularly raise your voice, what have you got left?

We had one of those discussions yesterday, about it not always being easy to make the right choice, but we have to try (and be like a superhero).

It works for a bit, but it's becoming more regular, which is frustrating because you think "what was the point in that 30 min chat?".

The problem he has also, is that he's really lucky.  We go out on days out a lot.  Theme parks (merlin passes, Drayton manor/safari park passes), we drove to Barmouth last Sunday for like... 3 hours to go crab fishing, I take him to watchet to go fossil hunting, I took him to comic con to see the costumes, a national railway exhibition to see the model trains (we used to love Thomas), think tank in Bham, Legoland/sea life centres, steam railways, loads of national trusts and big parks and stuff.  Loads.

And he's started saying "I hate my life" which is something he's obviously heard from school (like the time a girl told him she wanted to get off planet earth because he was on it ), but that's red rag to a bull to me, who honestly tries to keep him interested, engaged and a thirst for knowledge.

He's also a member of a football club AND cricket team! 

What more ya want, ya idiot?

[Marka Ragnos]

26 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

I will say that we're a family of talkers.  My wife can raise her voice, but I think that's a hiding to nothing because once you regularly raise your voice, what have you got left?

We had one of those discussions yesterday, about it not always being easy to make the right choice, but we have to try (and be like a superhero).

It works for a bit, but it's becoming more regular, which is frustrating because you think "what was the point in that 30 min chat?".

The problem he has also, is that he's really lucky.  We go out on days out a lot.  Theme parks (merlin passes, Drayton manor/safari park passes), we drove to Barmouth last Sunday for like... 3 hours to go crab fishing, I take him to watchet to go fossil hunting, I took him to comic con to see the costumes, a national railway exhibition to see the model trains (we used to love Thomas), think tank in Bham, Legoland/sea life centres, steam railways, loads of national trusts and big parks and stuff.  Loads.

And he's started saying "I hate my life" which is something he's obviously heard from school (like the time a girl told him she wanted to get off planet earth because he was on it ), but that's red rag to a bull to me, who honestly tries to keep him interested, engaged and a thirst for knowledge.

He's also a member of a football club AND cricket team! 

What more ya want, ya idiot?

 

You sound like a good dad. It's funny ... reading your post totally takes me back a decade. Oh, so many model trains lol and "Thomas Town" a few years before that, and the zoo, etc etc. etc.

  I remember running around sometimes, esp. during school hols, keeping him engaged etc. and sometimes he was just like "I want that one" like on Lou and Andy, and all he wants is to play around with some tin foil lol after I've bought tickets to some big event.

You can only do what you can do. Important thing is you're obviously showing him you care --- all far more important than whether this or that "works" in terms discipline. Boundary-setting, limits, days out, heart-to-heart talks. It all counts as healthy engagement. 

 

Edited August 14, 2023 by Marka Ragnos

[mjmooney]

20 minutes ago, lapal_fan said:

And he's started saying "I hate my life" which is something he's obviously heard from school 

It's quite worrying that the sort of social anxiety we might expect from adolescent teenagers is now coming from primary school age kids. And I can't help thinking that social media is a contributory factor. 

My eldest granddaughter is also eight. She told me last week that she thinks she has no friends, she's stupid, and everybody hates her. This would be bad enough if there was a grain of truth in it - but the fact is that she's one of the brightest kids in her class, her teachers speak highly of her, and she's actually a massively popular kid with some really good friends, and excellent social skills. 

Maybe we did all have bad days like that at eight, but it's too far back for me to remember   . Fortunately I think I was able to reassure her that day - grandparents are sometimes a better sounding board than mum and dad. 

[lapal_fan]

32 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

It's quite worrying that the sort of social anxiety we might expect from adolescent teenagers is now coming from primary school age kids. And I can't help thinking that social media is a contributory factor. 

My eldest granddaughter is also eight. She told me last week that she thinks she has no friends, she's stupid, and everybody hates her. This would be bad enough if there was a grain of truth in it - but the fact is that she's one of the brightest kids in her class, her teachers speak highly of her, and she's actually a massively popular kid with some really good friends, and excellent social skills. 

Maybe we did all have bad days like that at eight, but it's too far back for me to remember   . Fortunately I think I was able to reassure her that day - grandparents are sometimes a better sounding board than mum and dad. 

There's definitely an element to the social media (although my son has NO access to Facebook/Twitter/Insta/TikTok, absolutely none).

But I know how friends absolutely do.  He talks about it, he says things from videos ON those platforms (any dad's hear "can I get a hi-yaaaa"?!).

I went to watch his sports day and stood next to his class as they did the events.  Some of the stuff the moms were saying to their daughters, and the sass coming back made me wide-eyed..  

Also, for my youngest school starter meeting (happened in July), they warned all the parents about those platforms, because the year 4s/5s & 6s in the school have had huge problems with bullying on WhatsApp.

Year 6 had the entire year (90 kids) in one WhatsApp and there were >1000 messages sent over ONE (1) night!

I'm glad social media isn't too much of a concern at the moment, but even though we've got a pretty tight grip on it, it's still seeping through.

[Stevo985]

I'm struggling a bit with the IDKWTCH undermining me with Jack at the moment.

He's old enough now that he knows when he's doing things wrong. He doesn't fully understand, but you can tell he's starting to push boundaries. But IDKWTCH is too lenient with him.

He has a little ballpit, and on Sunday he tipped it over and the balls went everywhere. I put them all back in and when he tried to do it again I was telling him no and being stern with him. You could tell he knew he shouldn't be doing it but he kept trying.
IDKWTCH was just laughing which was just encouraging him. And when he did finally turn it over and the balls went everywhere I told him off and again she just laughed.

 

Annoyed me more than it should have I think.

[Genie]

4 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

I'm struggling a bit with the IDKWTCH undermining me with Jack at the moment.

He's old enough now that he knows when he's doing things wrong. He doesn't fully understand, but you can tell he's starting to push boundaries. But IDKWTCH is too lenient with him.

He has a little ballpit, and on Sunday he tipped it over and the balls went everywhere. I put them all back in and when he tried to do it again I was telling him no and being stern with him. You could tell he knew he shouldn't be doing it but he kept trying.
IDKWTCH was just laughing which was just encouraging him. And when he did finally turn it over and the balls went everywhere I told him off and again she just laughed.

 

Annoyed me more than it should have I think.

You’re right to be annoyed and it’s the single easiest way to create a naughty child.

My nephew is the same, his parents constantly undermine each other or laugh when one of them is dishing out a telling off. For this kind of thing children are super clever and pick it up in a heartbeat. 

I think the issue is mom wants to be the nephews mate, and dad is actually making an effort to keep him within set boundaries. It’s often mom and nephew versus dad. 

Nephew is a little b*****d as a result.

 

[Stevo985]

3 minutes ago, Genie said:

You’re right to be annoyed and it’s the single easiest way to create a naughty child.

My nephew is the same, his parents constantly undermine each other or laugh when one of them is dishing out a telling off. For this kind of thing children are super clever and pick it up in a heartbeat. 

I think the issue is mom wants to be the nephews mate, and dad is actually making an effort to keep him within set boundaries. It’s often mom and nephew versus dad. 

Nephew is a little b*****d as a result.

 

Exactly. And you could tell it was encouraging him, he was looking at her and smiling while he was doing it because he knew it was making her laugh

To be fair she apologised, so hopefully it'll make her think now. But I need to start clamping down.

Not that he does anything particularly naughty, it's just the principle. He has to learn he can't just do whatever he wants all the time

[Seat68]

26 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

I'm struggling a bit with the IDKWTCH undermining me with Jack at the moment.

He's old enough now that he knows when he's doing things wrong. He doesn't fully understand, but you can tell he's starting to push boundaries. But IDKWTCH is too lenient with him.

He has a little ballpit, and on Sunday he tipped it over and the balls went everywhere. I put them all back in and when he tried to do it again I was telling him no and being stern with him. You could tell he knew he shouldn't be doing it but he kept trying.
IDKWTCH was just laughing which was just encouraging him. And when he did finally turn it over and the balls went everywhere I told him off and again she just laughed.

 

Annoyed me more than it should have I think.

Perhaps one for the piss you off thread, I don't see that as a crime, that's just play, she isn't undermining you in my opinion, she is possibly just finding it funny that Jack is mugging you off. (to use the vernacular)

[Stevo985]

17 minutes ago, Seat68 said:

Perhaps one for the piss you off thread, I don't see that as a crime, that's just play, she isn't undermining you in my opinion, she is possibly just finding it funny that Jack is mugging you off. (to use the vernacular)

Oh it was funny.

But that's not really the point. We're at a crucial stage where he's only just learning right from wrong, and he knew I didn't want him to do that. It doesn't really matter what it was. I want him to know that when I say no I mean no. In a large part for his own good. If he's running towards a road or about to put his hand in a fire or whatever then I want him to know that if I say no he doesn't do it. 

I don't want him to think "I'll do it anyway because mommy will find it funny"

[Seat68]

39 minutes ago, Stevo985 said:

Oh it was funny.

But that's not really the point. We're at a crucial stage where he's only just learning right from wrong, and he knew I didn't want him to do that. It doesn't really matter what it was. I want him to know that when I say no I mean no. In a large part for his own good. If he's running towards a road or about to put his hand in a fire or whatever then I want him to know that if I say no he doesn't do it. 

I don't want him to think "I'll do it anyway because mommy will find it funny"

That's reasonable. when my daughter was growing up I took up the bad cop role, instilling a sense of whats the worst that could happen, and my wife undermined that to an extent, we didn't have the politics that you and Jack's mother have. What is interesting is when it came to my grandson, I became the good cop. I appreciate its not about good cop and bad cop but that's how a child, an infant may see it. with my daughter, me and my wife had big arguments about her undermining me. We were so bloody young I was struggling to deal with being a parent and the last thing I needed was her or her mother destroying any progress we were making.

Edited August 15, 2023 by Seat68

[mjmooney]

Good cop/bad cop is definitely a useable tactic with kids. 

They really know they've gone too far if the good cop is driven to turn bad. 

[luckyeddie]

What's does IDKWTCH mean?

[Spoony]

Early starts, no sleep and hating my job are really affecting me this week. It’s all really caught up with me and I just have zero energy or motivation to do anything.  Today up at 5, meetings at 930am, got some house shit to deal with at midday, then usual work crap but then additional meetings at 5-7pm. Missus will have to do all the evening child related stuff and so I will need to make dinner and tidy after the meetings and then just go to bed

[El Zen]

6 hours ago, luckyeddie said:

What's does IDKWTCH mean?

I Don’t Know What To Call Her. 

I coined it for my ex wife in that awkward period after we’d broken up but still had to share a roof. 

[luckyeddie]

42 minutes ago, El Zen said:

I Don’t Know What To Call Her. 

I coined it for my ex wife in that awkward period after we’d broken up but still had to share a roof. 

Thanks

[Stevo985]

9 hours ago, luckyeddie said:

What's does IDKWTCH mean?

What @El Zen said.

I still live with mine so the name lives on

[Genie]

Baby momma

[mjmooney]

[Seat68]

37 minutes ago, mjmooney said:

Got this image of you sending it back to them with corrections.