villab0y Posted November 17, 2007 Share Posted November 17, 2007 A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!" She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the Motorway." "You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can: Your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The bloke begins to panic but the doctor goes on, "We've checked your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch." The guy perks up a bit at this. "So it's a simple decision," the doctor says, "You need to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch penis before and you decide to go for a nine inch penis now, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine-incher before and you decide only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. So it's important that you consult with her to help you make the decision." So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife The doctor comes back the next day. "So" he says, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have." says the chap. "And has she helped you to make the decision?" "Yes, she has" he says. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having a new kitchen," replies the man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
largelugs Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 Richard Branson was asked to take over Small Heath, but he declined saying " I couldn't have Virgin on the shirts of a team that gets **** every week." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 What's the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 13 or so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 The FA have decided to change the Three Lions logo on the England shirts. They will be replaced with three Tampons to represent the worst period they've ever had! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted November 22, 2007 Moderator Share Posted November 22, 2007 Severe flood warnings in Scotland as 5 million jocks piss themselves laughing at England. Whats the difference between England and Lewis Hamilton? Lewis will put his faith in McLaren next year............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted November 22, 2007 Moderator Share Posted November 22, 2007 A phone conversation from yesterday.... Mc – Right, Tel, thanks to Israel I can still get us through to the Euros and can't afford any mistakes. Goalkeeper – who's the best in the country? TV – Rob Green Mc – Don't know him. Is he in the squad? TV – No. Mc – Who have we got – I can't afford to play that clown Robinson again? TV - James and Carson. Mc – Who would you go for? TV – Well James is in good form and has more experience. Mc – Hmmmmm, James cost Sven a few games, I'll go with Carson. Defence picks itself; Nev, JT, Rio and Ash. TV – They're all injured, Steve. Mc – Oh. Well, Micah at right back, Ledley and Carra in the middle and the other fella who can only kick with one foot on the left. TV – Ledley's injured, Steve - and Carra refuses to play for his country. Mc – Who does that leave me? TV – Lescott and Sol. Mc – There must be other centre halves? TV – They're all foreigners, Steve. Mc – Lescott? I thought he was a left back, never mind, he's in. Midfield is easy Becks, Lamps, Stevie G and Joey. TV – I wouldn't start with Becks, Steve. Not fit and playing in a Mickey Mouse league. Mc – Well I saw him a few weeks ago and he scored twice in a 14-4 win. TV – Save him towards the end in case we need a get out of jail card like against Greece. Mc – Good idea – so we'll play the little fella on the right. You know,quick with no end product. TV – Lennon? Mc – No, the other one. His Dad will be in the TV studio, so that should go down well. So that's SWP, Lamps, Stevie G and Joey. TV – Steve, you know Frank and Stevie G can't play together, even my old mum knows that. Mc – Only because neither one is defensive. I'm going to put another man behind them, Barry. That'll fool Bilic. Now, up front. I think we should play the two that caused Russia so many problems here. TV – Heskey and Owen? Mc – Yep. TV – They're both injured. Mc - $hit – who would you play? TV – Rooney and Ashton. Mc – Excellent, two class players, they're in. TV – They're both injured. Mc – Fck me, have I upset the big man up there? TV – Who, Barwick? Mc –No THE big man. TV – Crouchy won't let you down. Mc – How many goals has he scored this season? TV – None Mc – None? Is he the best we've got? TV – We've got Defoe and Bent as well. They've got one goal between them. Mc – One goal between 3 of our best players, why is that? TV – Too many foreigners in the Premiership. Mc – Tel, I'm struggling here, do you think I'm out of my depth? TV – Don't be silly, look at your CV, how many trophies have you won? Mc – None. TV – I've just remembered, I've got to speak to my solicitor about redundancy compensation. I may be late tomorrow night [/code] stolen from another forum, betfair IIRC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villadevon Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 What's 9 inches long and dangle's in front of a word removed? Steve McClaren's tie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mjmooney Posted November 22, 2007 VT Supporter Share Posted November 22, 2007 Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar. He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again. Come Monday morning, Thor deciding to reveal his true identity, says "I am Thor!". The women looks at him and replies, "You're Thor!? I'm so thor I can hardly pith!"Jesus, I remember that one from when I was at school. And you know how old I am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrissmith921 Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/11/21/hmarc_ebay_auction/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sit_Down_Potato_Head Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 Messrs Sullivan and Gold walk into a pub, and Marcello Lippi is at the bar............... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stewiek2 Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 Umbro have announced that the England football team will replace the 3 lions from their shirts with three tampons. This is to represent the worst **** period they ever had. Whats the best thing about Steve McLaren? He's not the England manager. Steve McClaren is going to the England Christmas party dressed as a pumpkin, he's hoping someone can turn him into a **** coach! What's nine inches long and dangles in front of a word removed? Steve McLaren's tie Whats the difference between Steve McLaren and everyone else? Everyone else would of been able to qualify with england Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted November 22, 2007 Share Posted November 22, 2007 Messrs Sullivan and Gold walk into a pub, and Marcello Lippi is at the bar............... haha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LT_1993 Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 man goes into a doctors and says "doctor,doctor ihave a problem, every time i masturbate i have an uncontrolable urge to shout come on you blues" doctor says "dont worry mate lots of rocket polishers do that" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 A woman walks into a bar and is quickly appraoched by a man... "whats your name?" he says... "Carmen" she replies " cause I like car and men, whats yours?" "Charlie Beercunt" he replies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Man: "You're pretty." Woman: "**** off." Man: "Don't interrupt. You're pretty... ugly, you fat word removed." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wrafey Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Young boy says to his dad "Dad ive had sex for the 1st time!" "Congratulations!" says the Dad, as he reaches for 2 bottles of beer from the fridge. "Do you have any questions about it?" says dad. "Yes" said the boy "how long will it take for my arse to stop hurting?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted November 29, 2007 Moderator Share Posted November 29, 2007 Man: "You're pretty." Woman: "**** off." Man: "Don't interrupt. You're pretty... ugly, you fat word removed." Reminds me of a great song Lit - You Make Me Complete You make me cum You make make me complete You make me completely miserable Gotta hear it. Quality song Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 A guy goes to the pharmacy and he says "I need some condoms for my 11 year old daughter". The chemist says "Your daughter's sexually active at age 11?". "No," he says "she just lies there like her mother". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect." To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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