NibblyPig Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Two sharks are sitting at the bottom of the ocean. One says: "I'm having real trouble digesting that ladder, those pipes, and those electrical wires! I tell you: that's the last time I swallow a man-hole!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RuberyVilla Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 How do you stop a dog shagging your leg ? Suck its cock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Condimentalist Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 How do you stop a dog shagging your leg ? Suck its cock I feel wrong for laughing at that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juju Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 "Scholes walks away a bit gingerly." David Pleat after Paul Scholes had been hurt during Man Utd's Champions League game against Celtic. "It's been harder this year, Liverpool have got better, Man U have got better, Arsenal have got better, and Tottenham have joined the quartet of five teams." Chelsea's Joe Cole celebrates winning the title against Man Utd - you do the math. "There's no problem with Jermain. I wouldn't swap him for Miss World - he would probably swap me for Miss World though." Martin Jol on Jermain Defoe's future. "You have to take it on the chin - or in my case, chins!" Steve Bruce reacts to Birmingham's 7-0 thrashing by Liverpool in the FA Cup. "Don't be fooled by the way I look. People say you eventually start to grow to look like the missus but I wouldn't be that unkind to my Sandra." Harry Redknapp. "You only have to fart in the box to concede a penalty these days." Leeds manager Kevin Blackwell bemoans a penalty decision given against them. "She shouldn't be here. I know that sounds sexist but I am sexist. This is not park football, so what are women doing here? If you start bringing in women you have big problems. It is tokenism for the politically correct idiots." Luton manager Mike Newell blames assistant referee Amy Rayner for the 3-2 defeat by QPR. "For a game played in Cologne, that stunk." Mark Lawrenson after sitting through 120 mind-numbing minutes of Switzerland v Ukraine. "I couldn't be more chuffed if I were a badger at the start of the mating season." Holloway is quite pleased after QPR beat Cardiff. "I watched Arsenal in the Champions League the other week playing some of the best football I've ever seen and yet they couldn't have scored in a brothel with two grand in their pockets!" On Arsenal failing to take their chances. "I am enjoying being manager - except for Saturday afternoons." Bournemouth manager Kevin Bond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted January 4, 2007 VT Supporter Share Posted January 4, 2007 How do you stop a dog shagging your leg ? Suck its cock That is genius. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Villadevon Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sonic_bouma Posted January 4, 2007 Share Posted January 4, 2007 What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his arse! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Pictorial comedy.................. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutsngum Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 what do vegetarian cannibals eat? Swedes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island. They lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do..... After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself. It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.... Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing..... so they buried her. ! ! ! ! ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted January 12, 2007 VT Supporter Share Posted January 12, 2007 Q. What nationality is Mr.Sheen? A. Polish! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted January 15, 2007 Moderator Share Posted January 15, 2007 Ooh aren't I clever. What's the difference between a league & a hip ? If you put 'Champions' in front of them, we were heading for one in September and we're heading for the other one now. I thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lion-heart Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Bump, I need a laugh and I need it NOW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillyShears Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 What do you take for wind? A kite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 True Love. An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door- frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula....................... **** off" she said, "they're for the funeral." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrogers Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 I've got a joke for you = SWP for 12 million, you're 'aving a **** laugh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimmygreaves Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise." Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted January 30, 2007 Moderator Share Posted January 30, 2007 After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish Scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots". One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology" Flawless Irish logic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted February 1, 2007 VT Supporter Share Posted February 1, 2007 I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss today. I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villab0y Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 The 5 secrets to a perfect relationship. 1- It is importnant that a woman helps you around the house as well as having a job. 2 - It is important that a woman makes you laugh 3 - It is importnant you can find a woman that you can count on and that does not lie to you. 4 - It is important that a woman is good in bed and loves making love with you. 5 - It is extremely important that these 4 women do not know about each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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