WAHEY! It's a JOKE thread : Enter at your own risk.

[kingphil]

New club craze sweeping the nation is to fill a women’s vagina with neat vodka, and drink it using a straw.

Drink experts have warned of an increase in MINGE drinkers

[Designer1]

Four crows fall off a cliff.

Luckily they had wings.

[Designer1]

Forty crows on a telephone wire.

No wait, one of them was a sparrow.

[Designer1]

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead get stuck on a desert island.

13 days later, they're all dead.

[trimandson]

??

[Designer1]

??

[gareth_barry's_left_foot]

You been on Trim's gear again Designer1?

[Designer1]

I thought they were funny.

[trimandson]

I laughed, quite hard infact, but I don't know why?

[Guest]

I don't how many of you shop at Wal-Mart, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at Wal-Mart and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk.

They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Wal-Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other.Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and probably tonight.

[victie1]

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.

She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. The zoo is not very busy this morning and as they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla.

Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (And no that isn't the joke!!)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more........

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him,and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver. he says.

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat.

Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage,flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut......

"Now, tell HIM you've got a f*#in' headache."

[villab0y]

Quality!

[RichardCanning]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

[Guest RantinRob]

I don't how many of you shop at Wal-Mart, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at Wal-Mart and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk.

They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Wal-Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other.Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and probably tonight.

Muhahahahahahaaaaaaaaa

[blandy]

Courtesy of my mate Steve

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot pours him the perfect pint, and then asks him,

"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about

global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry,

environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and

sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He

decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and

comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the

perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,

rugby, supermodels, favourite foods, guns, and women's body parts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to

give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot

serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly,

"So............... do ya think your gonna beat the Albion on Saturday ?"

[Hev]

Thought some of you might like this one (just gone round work on e mail - not quite sure why it is "Amish" particularly though):-

The Amish Hand Warmer

> >

> >An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy

> >one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are

> >freezing cold."

> >

> >The mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body

> >heat will warm them up."

> >The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

> >The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who

> >said, "My hands are freezing cold."

> >The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will

> >warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

> >The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy

> >with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

> >The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm

> >it up." He did and warmed his nose.

> >The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he

> >said, "My penis is frozen solid."

> >The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with

> >her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a

> >penis?"

> >Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

> >The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,

> >don't they!"

[Risso]

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life

by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was

about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her

tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. "I'm off

to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.

I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep

you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded "Yes", after all,

what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her

life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,

and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the

captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an

arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "I get food and a trip

to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is", the captain said. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry."

[Jon]

some excellent words of advice from Viz:

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

RED WINE DRINKERS Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night of drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking Out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

[sheriffvilla]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.

I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.

What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf

replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him

the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the

owner

picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth....

can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the

dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth.' he says

'Now...can I see

her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and

shoves his head deep inside the horses fanny . He holds him there

for a

couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says:

"Perhaps I should weefwaze that... Can I see her wun awound?"

[sheriffvilla]

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village

and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk

to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?

Dog: "Doin' alright"

Villager: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes

me to the lake once a week to play"

Villager: (Look of disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,

brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"

Villager: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a f*ckin liar!! "