Mandy Lifeboats

What is the name of the muppet in the middle with the odd shaped head, bulging eyes and annoying voice? Michael Stipe.

Reasons to hate Stipe. Number 19560. Vegan and feels the need to tell everyone about it. Number 19561 "Cant Get There From Here". CANT! Number 19562 "Shiny, Happy People". So, so embarrassing.

I can't move past the title of this thread. It just reminds me how much I hate Michael Stipe.

Last year Mrs Lifeboats and I were in a Chinese Restaurant (in China). After ordering a meal by using the universal language of pointing at things our meal arrived. But with no utensils to eat with. Mrs Lifeboats did what I thought was a rather good mime of using chopsticks. The waiter seemed to understand and went away. He came back and presented her with a picture of what we guess was an owl made from seashells. 1. How the hell did he reach that conclusion? 2. If anyone ever wants to order a picture of an owl made from seashells from China, Mrs Lifeboats is available. 3. No......it wasn't a hoot.

Mrs Lifeboats put the recycling bin out today. It was the right week. But they didn't empty it. B@st@rds. Should I sell my story to the papers now or wait for Hollywood to call?

Genius.

I agree entirely. That's why I thought he was a knob. But why is anyone that bothered what a boxer thinks about religion, homosexuality or sexual equality? He's a big bloke who hits people, he's not the US President. I also think some of his statements might have been influenced by drinking far too much orange cordial or a sugar rush from eating too many Wispa Bars** ** This sentence has been edited by the Villa Talk Automated Libelous Statement Editor.

I was in Tenerife in November. Tyson Fury was at the same hotel. He seems a genuinely nice bloke. No entourage just him his wife and another couple. He's terribly out of shape and working through some personal issues. But having met him it's changed my opinion of him. Before I thought he was a complete knob. But he seems to be a normal guy who is ill equipped to cope with fame. He was witty, down to earth and happy to chat. They say never meet your heroes as they will disappoint you. In his case I now have a lot more respect for someone the media led me to dislike.

I put the recycling bin out today. But it should have been the normal bin. But they emptied it anyway. B@st@rds. No wonder the ice caps are melting

Amazingly it's true. They only have to be unloaded and in a hard sided case rather than fabric sided one. It's not uncommon for USA tourists to be detained at UK airports due to the odd bullet being inadvertently imported in case linings or interior pockets. It normally only leads to a caution, confiscation and being highlighted as a risk for future visits.

Another shooting. This time at an airport. The NRA will undoubtedly conclude that USA will be safer if all plane passengers are allowed to carry assault rifles as hand luggage.

Mark Twain commenting upon Jane Austen: “When I read 'Pride and Prejudice' I wanted to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

One of the selling points of Brexit was that it would allow the UK to be governed by the UK legal system. The UK legal system decides that Brexit needs to go through parliament and the papers are up in arms. Unlike rain on your wedding day.....that is ironic.

Here's a slight change of focus. Which could have been good signings if they hadn't been surrounded by a rubbish team? Although I despise Richards I'd have liked to have him as RB alongside two rock solid CB. Steer is a decent 2nd/3rd choice keeper. I think Gil could have achieved much more in a decent side. As could Veretout. Lescott would have been a great signing if.............give me a minute..........err..............for the women's over 80s third team........as a backup to Gertrude Rathbone if her hip needed replacement.

I would still give Flabby a clean slate if: 1. He is the fittest he has ever been. 2. His attitude in training and on match day is exemplary. 3. He has really made a big effort to welcome his new team mates and build some sort of team spirit. He didn't rape anyone*, kill someone whilst drunk driving or punch a schoolgirl in the face. He was just a complete an utter knob at the time when Villa needed him most. Personally, I think he's still a knob and hasn't done the things I list above. If he had, I doubt any manager/owner would not have given him a chance. * just like another footballer in the news yesterday. Who said satire was dead?

Tuesday- Will Young quits Strictly. Wednesday - Villa to announce new manager. Coincidence? Yes.

As this thread seems to be in demand every few months may I suggest we all adopt a standard format. *delete as applicable. I thought it was a mistake to go for old and experienced/young and full of potential* We should go for the opposite this time. Nigel Pearson is proven at this level/a complete knob* Big Sam is worth a try/should not be touched with a barge pole* Rowett is a Villa fan/Remember Mcleish* Remember that Moyes did well at Everton. Agbonlahor shouldn't be given a fresh start/definitely shouldn't be given a fresh start/definitely, definitely shouldn't be given a fresh start* by the new boss.

The prisoner dilemma answer at the time was to throw open the doors. The rationale was that if there was a false alarm, a person making a decision to leave people to starve to death in locked cells could be accused of attempted mass murder. I have no idea if that still stands. But I can't see why it would have changed. It was reasonably expected that quite a few would survive and flourish in a lawless society. Sleep well. Pleasant dreams.

I have tried to include a picture of one of the doomsday computers on this post. If it's worked imagine about 20 -30 of these on a table in a circle. Add known values into disk 1 and get some assumed values. Add those assumed values into disk 2 and get another set of assumed values to enter in disk 3. Keep going until your have completed all. As further known values became known you would change the assumed values and then work around the circle. You had to factor in human error and faulty readings.

Have you never met Winston Green? He's a great bloke. I can't remember where he lives. But his house was called "Jail View Terrace".

As Villa’s season is going so well I thought I’d bring everyone down to earth with a bump and writing about my experience of Armageddon. Everything I’m writing about refers to the 1980s and has long since been declassified and been in the public domain. As I explained earlier in the thread I had a place in the “Civil Defence Shelter” in Harborne. I think it was on Meadow Road? Meadow Lane? In the early stages of an emergency I would be whisked into the shelter. Once inside it was my job to operate what became known as the doomsday computer. It wasn’t a computer. It was a series of plastic disks where you entered known facts and a connected disk would give you some assumptions. For instance if radiation levels in Birmingham were x that suggested that we’d been attacked with a weapon yield of y. If we have been attacked by a weapon yield of y that was likely to have caused total devastation for z miles. All of these facts and assumptions were fed in and communicated to any other shelter still operating. That shelter would them use that data to predict problems coming their way. For instance if you know the yield of a weapon, its height when detonating and the wind-speed you can map fall-out accurately. With the prevailing UK winds, Birmingham was mainly at risk from fallout from Bristol. So knowing when it was due to arrive was handy. It gave surviors time to put on a extra jumper and give the lawn a quick mow. I would keep adding facts and testing assumptions to either strengthen or discount them. It sounds complicated but it wasn’t. It was just sole destroying when you set a certain parameter and the disks told you that meant 100,000 dead. But it wasn’t all fun and games. We had exercises and played out some common scenarios. Some of them are still fresh in my memory. The most common scenario was that NATO struck first when Warsaw Pact tanks crossed the Rhine. USSR retaliated immediately with more than 100 but less than 200 weapons hitting the UK. Three waves of weapons would be launched. Smaller yields targeting strategic and military targets. Medium yields targeting population centres. Larger yields targeting geographical areas not hit by the first 2 waves. The weapon destined for Birmingham would land somewhere between the Baggies Ground and Winston Green. So its not all bad news. The weapon would be targeted there as it would obliterate the city centre but also cause damage across the Black Country into Wolverhampton. It was reasonably well predicted that not all weapons would find their target and that some would fail to detonate. This gave a real possibility that a costal town/city with little military importance might be undamaged. In one exercise the weapon for Liverpool fell into the sea. In this had occured for real we would have built society again using Liverpool as a base and with Scousers as the main population. In which case we were instructed to find a spare bomb from somewhere and launch it at Liverpool ourselves. Armageddon might be awful but it gets no better if everyone is wearing a shell-suit. (This bit might be made up). The population would drop to under 2 million before stabilising. We never practised getting society back to "normal" as we would not be around long enough for that to happen. The future of the UK would be determined by countries that were not destroyed and how they decided to interact with us. I found the exercises incredibly interesting but also as depressing as hell. After a few years I hung up Doomsday computer. I’ll leave you with my favourite scenario that I use at a dinner party to make people to leave. The missiles are inbound and you are the Governor of Top Security Prison. Your inmates are the worst murders, rapists, paedophiles and estate agents in the country. Most of your wardens have returned home to be with their family. Do you open the doors and let everyone out? Or do you keep everyone locked up leave them to almost certain death? This scenario is very real and there is a correct answer that was agreed in case it were ever needed. If there is interest in this post I will post the answer. But it will be the answer that was in place in the 80s. It might have changed. But I doubt it.

I know.

Russian spy.

Due to my job, I had a place reserved for me at the Nuclear Shelter in Harborne. It was a dire place. In theory we would have moved in at the very early stages of a crisis and remained there until it was safe to emerge. We did one exercise that involved us being there for a complete week. I remember one of our first briefings. If there was a nuclear war and every single nurse, doctor, ambulance and hospital was unscathed they could only hopen to save 10% of the injured dying in the first 6 months. I gave up my place.

USA has criminals with guns, mentally ill people with guns, paranoid people with guns, kids with guns and people who would rather die than surrender their guns. No wonder the Police are trigger happy. The real solution is to vastly reduce gun ownership. Whilst I would never defend the Police in these instances they are just a tiny part of a much larger problem. I think they should just admit that independence was a mistake, rejoin the UK, burn the constitution, ban guns and rename themselves "Very West Wales". Or shall we just invade and burn down the Whitehouse............again.