Xela

Annoying the crowd on mumsnet is a plus point for me!

Wait your turn! Saying that her replacement Penny Mordaunt has a couple of things going for her...

Nearly as bad as gravy on chips...

It was mate. I am disappointed in you. Now say you are so solly...

Priti Patel Yeah I would.

Not a fan of venison. Its a bit deer for me.

I assumed the 'plain' reference meant sans chocolate as opposed to dark chocolate

Can't they all contract rabies.

Shocking news

On the train to York today and at about Chesterfield I could feel a gurgling in my stomach... must have been the rumbling motion of the train combined with a large bowl of sugar puffs at 4:45am. By the time we hit Sheffield I was shuffling in my seat.. at Wakefield I had a sweat on. Now, before I carry on I will admit I refuse to use train toilets... mainly as once I was using one and the door opened (despite me locking it) and a few people caught a view of me shaking piss off the end of my todger. Leeds came and went and I was grimacing and almost delusional. Finally got to York and I was hobbled off, everything was in slow motion. I was scanning for the 'Toilets' sign like the Terminator. Platform 4 was my refuge! I walked in the style of an Olympic speed walker expect I was wearing brogues and had a laptop bag draped over my shoulder. As I approached my utopia I suddenly feared what would happen if all the cubicles were full? I'd have to do it in the sink and just pretend I was a raving lunatic that needed psychological help. Luckily 1 of the 3 cubicles were vacant. I thanked God, Allah and Ganesh as I dropped my trousers and let rip. I think I actually howled like a wolf in pleasure. All I will say, if you were in the toilets at 9:30am I can only apologise for the noises and stench that came out of the middle cubicle.

Excellent *doffs cap*

Why call up 4 goalkeepers?

I'd wager the vast majority of self employed people don't declare everything. I've paid for things cash (car repairs, jobs round the house, cleaners etc) knowing full well it probably just goes in their pocket. I don't decry them that, but I don't have that option - i'm taxed heavily on my earnings. If it was easy to open an offshore account now I'd probably do it and put my savings there but its a ballache to do nowadays

Whatever people thought about your actions that day, I fully supported your decision!

I think a lot of it started in the states (Kardashians, Jersey Shore, etc) but I get what you mean. Come the revolution, these people will be first against the wall.

He asked me to touch my toes

They must have cut the bit where the girls Samsung catches fires and burns her house down

I remember back to Lyall. I feel old now.

I'll admit I did LOL

Pictures they will never look at and videos they will never watch ever again!

You set them up...

Fully agree. I'm in awe at what technology can do - the modern day smartphone is amazing - with Spotify and Netflix and Sky I can listen to almost every song recorded or watch a choice of thousands of films or tv shows. Plus I have the www at my fingertips so almost anything can be looked up. That being said... I do miss the more basic days where people weren't glued to their phones. I do feel the world is a lonelier and nastier place now as people don't talk as much and have a tendency to be horrible and rude online whereas they wouldn't do it to your face. I look back at my early days of clubbing and going out and none of us had phones. You agreed to meet somewhere and that was it! Occasionally used pay-phones. A night out or a gig was about having a great time and not trying to record it or take photos to upload to social media so you can look as though you lead a brilliant and interesting life to people you barely know. Nowadays people have a crisis if instagram is down for a few hours... so they take to twitter and snapchat to complain! I realise I probably come across as a moody old bastard but hey, what can I say? Just the way I feel.