soprano Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 A rich bloke from Barnsley goes to the jewellers "can tha mek us a gold statue o mi dog" Jeweller asks "duz tha want it 18 carat" "no chewin a bone yer daft word removed" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soprano Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 A guy walks into a pub to find it completely empty apart from the barman. He orders a pint which the barman serves along with a bowl of peanuts. The barman tells the guy he has to go to the cellar and will be back in about 5 minutes. Once alone he starts to down his pint when he hears a voice say " my god your handsome" he looks around but the pub is still empty. After a couple of minutes he needs a piss so heads to the gents. while relieving himself he hears another voice say "You're a fukin half wit". Again the guy looks around but again finds himself alone. When he returns to the bar the barman re-appears and the guy tells him what has happened. "oh dont worry" he says "The nuts were complimentry but the jonny machines out of order. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I went to the nurse for my annual check up this morning. She said "I think you should stop masturbating" "why"? I asked. She said "cause I'm trying to **** examine you" I dun that one already Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tomzep Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I went to the nurse for my annual check up this morning. She said "I think you should stop masturbating" "why"? I asked. She said "cause I'm trying to **** examine you" I dun that one already The joke or wanking whilst being examined? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks: "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 An old man is lying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly notices the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulls himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife is baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reaches for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacks him across the back of his hand. "Leave them alone," she exclaims: "They're for the funeral! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikantcpell Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Little Johnny was sitting in sex ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" she asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said: "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I went to the nurse for my annual check up this morning. She said "I think you should stop masturbating" "why"? I asked. She said "cause I'm trying to **** examine you" I dun that one already The joke or wanking whilst being examined? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harris21 Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 Little Johnny was sitting in sex ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" she asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said: "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush Mommy's teeth Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted June 10, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted June 10, 2009 What do you get if you fly across the Atlantic with Air France? About half-way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyM3000 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 What do you get if you fly across the Atlantic with Air France? About half-way Ginger beat you to it about 2 pages ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted June 10, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted June 10, 2009 O bollocks! That's 2 binduns in 2 pages Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Liverpool have announced 2 new summer signings..an Italian and a japanese... Robatelli and Nickamota Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Qwpzxjor1 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 A rich bloke from Barnsley goes to the jewellers "can tha mek us a gold statue o mi dog" Jeweller asks "duz tha want it 18 carat" "no chewin a bone yer daft word removed"Took me a couple of reads but that is actually quite funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Better in a Dudley accent.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 A college student picked up his date at her parents' home. He'd scraped together every penny he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetisers, lobster, champagne... the works! Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to **** me either." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 A man is teaching his son how to masturbate. The son says "This is great fun, dad!". The father replies "I know and when you turn 13 you can start using your own cock." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Rev Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 Like most people my age.. ..I'm 30. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beasley Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 What have the Tories and the Atlantic ocean got in common? They both gained over 200 seats last week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted June 12, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted June 12, 2009 Dinbun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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