Kalim_a Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...." "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway." He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice cheques the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan... Keep measuring." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darthdc Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 A farmer is entertaining guests when his son bursts into the room and shouts "Dad, the bull is **** a cow! The farmer, ashamed at his son's colourful outburst talks to him later. "Next time you tell me this, say the bull is surprising the cow." Well, several days later, the boy comes shouting to his dad once more. "The bull is surprising the cows" The farmer replies "The bull cannot surprise more than one cow at once." "Oh yes he can!" replies the boy "Hows that?" repies the baffled farmer "He's **** the goat!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VillaVinny Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Try saying 'halal meat' without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone. Absolute quality Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I've just done a 2 month spell in jail, and I can confirm that the rumours about the "soap" are 100% not true. They use shower gel now. Which actually acts as a handy lubricant during the rape. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I have decided to produce and sell a strong alcoholic drink called "Responsibly" That way everyone in the country can get shit faced drinking responsibly. And all the other drinks makers will be advertising for me on their cans with the slogan "please drink responsibly" Probably will piss off the government as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Beckham and Steven Gerrard are sitting on the England bus on the way to their next game Gerrard goes to Becks "Here Dave, if you can guess how many coins I have in my hand right now I'll give you them both!" Becks goes "Errrrrrr.... Three?" Gerrard says" how did you guess that, you lucky bastard? Here you are." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 It's really bad in Bridgend, I went into Halfords to buy a tow rope and they asked me what size collar I was Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 A man walks into a service station bathroom and on his way in he slips on a piece of turd lying on the floor. He quickly gets back up, brushes himself down and makes his way to the urinals and whilst urinating he heard a scream and a thud and saw a man walking in looking annoyed. "I just slipped on that piece of turd in the hallway"he said The man at the urinal says "Oh I just did that" Then the other man punches him in the face and shouts "You dirty bastard" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 A man turns up at the hospital carrying a shoe box under his arm, he goes up to a nurse and opens the box. Inside is a giant steaming turd. The nurse looks shocked and asks the man why he's bought the turd. "Because I need to see an optician," he says. The nurse says, "don`t you mean a dietician?" "No," says the man, "I need an optician, 'cause every time I do one of these my eyes start to water." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I had a nightmare last night. This big dog turd with a rapist mask was chasing me with a mallet and my feet were stuck to the ground as it started smashing my limbs off. That was some scary shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Some Somalians open fire on an oil tanker, take hostage the 25 crew and hijack the vessel carrying $100million of oil... I 'borrow' some music, TV and films from the internet and they want to do ME for piracy? This world is **** up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 A man walks into a service station bathroom and on his way in he slips on a piece of turd lying on the floor. He quickly gets back up, brushes himself down and makes his way to the urinals and whilst urinating he heard a scream and a thud and saw a man walking in looking annoyed. "I just slipped on that piece of turd in the hallway"he said The man at the urinal says "Oh I just did that" Then the other man punches him in the face and shouts "You dirty bastard" that's I say old bean, I think we've seen this somewhere before! by me. ..shitting in the hallway I mean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Sickipedias finest ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I was rather disappointed in the low turnout at my local polling station. I don't see why people should struggle to put a cross in a box. Then again, I do live in Newcastle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted June 4, 2009 Moderator Share Posted June 4, 2009 I wonder what Mr and Mrs Boyle were thinking, naming their son Susan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted June 4, 2009 Moderator Share Posted June 4, 2009 A beautiful story Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little words removed that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the **** skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little word removed he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “****! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! ****!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid. Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Miss, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m **** HIV POSITIVE.” And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just **** up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the word removed she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I wonder what Mr and Mrs Boyle were thinking, naming their son Susan. Ask mr and mrs Cash ? ( i'll wait for you to get that one :winkold: ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morkery Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 wan't that the joke?! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hutchavfc Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Come on !!! Whers the David Carradine jokes?? CHOP CHOP!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrissmith921 Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 It's really bad in Bridgend, I went into Halfords to buy a tow rope and they asked me what size collar I was I say old bean, I think we've seen this somewhere before!! To the Man who always reports the Binduns. It is espeically pleasing in this regard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts