Ikantcpell Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied: "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached the woman again with the same request. She said: "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said: "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?" She replied: "If I tell you, you'll laugh." "No, I won't." "Well, if you must know," she answered. "I work for Tampax." With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said: "See I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rodders Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 Two Dyslexics working in a kitchen. The first say's "Can you smell Gas?" The second replies "I can't even smell my own name!!" What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association \o/ and A Dyslexic man walks into a bra. good old dyslexic jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trimandson Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 Sickipedia is being rinsed out today with new jokes if anyone is interested. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
macmahonjames Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 liam neeson and jack tweed have had to cancel their episode of celebrity wife swap Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mark_bennett Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 My six year old son was watching the news, and he turned to me and said " Why did god let Jade Goody die of cancer at 27 years old ?" I said "well probably because she was a foul mouthed nasty piece of work who got too big for her boots" He thought for a moment, then said, "Dad,?" has Wayne Rooney got cancer ?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 FOR SALE: Ladies blond wig, unused mothers day gift. Please contact Bobby and Frddie - Essex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ryanvilla_1994 Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 FOR SALE: Ladies blond wig, unused mothers day gift. Please contact Bobby and Frddie - Essex. lmao tht is harsh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrogers Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 FOR SALE: Ladies blond wig, unused mothers day gift. Please contact Bobby and Frddie - Essex. Brilliant, worthy of The Framley Examiner! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cizzler Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 How do you know when your sister's on her period ? Cos your dad's dick tastes funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cizzler Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 To make up for that, I'll give you a few of my favourite one-liners.. "This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life!" on them" "The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face." "A computer once beat me at chess., but it was no match for me at kickboxing." "There are various ways to give up smoking - nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol on herself every morning" "I'm in therapy at the moment. I don't need it, obviously, but I got all these psychiatrist gift vouchers for Christmas which my family clubbed together for. What I really wanted was a crossbow." "In Vegas I got into a long arguement with the man at the roullete wheel over what I considered to be an odd number." "I bought a pack of Animal Crackers and it said on it, 'Do not eat if seal is broken'. So I opened it up, and sure enough . . ." "I used to think the brain was the greatest organ in the human body, then I realised, 'Hey! Look who's telling me that!'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted March 24, 2009 Share Posted March 24, 2009 To the theme of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air: South East England, born and raised On Reality TV, where I spent most of my days Being racist and acting a fool Was disgusting, destroyed all the gene pool When a couple of cells, who were up to no good Started making cancer in my vaginalhood I got one bit of cancer and my doctors got scared They said, "We're putting you on chemo, say goodbye to your hair!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Si. Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Christiano Ronaldo goes to the doctors and says "doctor every time I look in the mirror I get turned on" the doctor says "I'm not surprised you're a word removed!" Love it ginge! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BOF Posted March 25, 2009 Moderator Share Posted March 25, 2009 Day 2 in heaven and Jade Goody is already up for eviction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matty271 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Whats the difference between a 50cc scooter and Jade Goody? The scooter can reach 30! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeFoSho Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Another of sikipedia's finest hours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 What seperates humans from animals? The mediterranean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 black bloke was shagging his new girlfriend.She whispered, “Please be careful, I have a weak heart.” “Nothing to worry about,” he replied. “I’ll be careful when I get up to the heart.” ... i was sent that by a black bloke....they do like to brag don't they ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Not so much a joke in the traditional sense but still funny (from sickipedia) This is an email sent after someone who just moved into a new apartment was letting people know that he is having a house warming party, so he mentioned he may be a bit loud. He includes his Mob number and his email. From: David Thorne To: Matthew Smythe Subject: R.S.V.P. Dear Matthew, Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child's party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn't miss it for the world. What time would you like me there? Regards, David. From: Matthew Smythe To: David Thorne Hi David Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer sometime if you like. Cheers Matthew From: David Thorne To: Matthew Smythe Thanks Matthew, Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don't tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided? Regards, David. From: Matthew Smythe To: David Thorne Hi David As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate. Cheers Matthew From: David Thorne To: Matthew Smythe Dear Matthew, I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of spazio restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to - if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the spazio constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn't have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon's girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends. Regards, David. From: Matthew Smythe To: David Thorne Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1? From: David Thorne To: Matthew Smythe Hi Matthew, I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn't everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan's Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones - I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It's the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most. Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don't think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of 'wouldn't it be good' to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don't see you before tonight. Regards, David. From: Matthew Smythe To : David What the **** are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1? From: David Thorne To: Matthew Smythe Hello Matthew, I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won't be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night. It is a little hard to breath in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived 'through' the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it. Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don't own cars. Regards, David. From: Matthew Smythe To: David Thorne WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no ****ing 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the **** is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no ****ing fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus ****ing christ man. From: David Thorne To: Matthew Smythe Hello Matthew, I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon's girlfriend Cathy's work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata. Can't wait, see you tonight. Regards, David. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Troglodyte Posted March 25, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted March 25, 2009 Is he the same guy that did the 'spider' letter? Pretty funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stevo985 Posted March 25, 2009 VT Supporter Share Posted March 25, 2009 Yeh it's the same guy. Clearly a funny bloke! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts