rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 A primary school teacher spots that Johnny, one of her pupils, is clutching a cat. She inquires, "Johnny, why is your cat at school today?" Johnny, now in tears, replies, "I heard the postman telling Mummy 'when the kids go to school today, I'm going to eat your pussy'!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen from or heard from again. The McCanns have offered to help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 An Arab has been found dead at the bottom of Michael Barrymore's swimming pool. Apparently it was a suicide bummer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kurtsimonw Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Rob, GingerLad.. superb stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 I hate having to wear a condom when I'm having sex. By the time I get it out of the wrapper and roll it on, the girl has usually escaped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 I hear the RSPCA have setup a helpline for all Man Utd fans when taking their dog for walks, they can call 0111 213141 if their having trouble holding on to the lead Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, he woke up early and made her a big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to Alton Towers to go on all the rides. Afterwards he took her to Mcdonalds and got her a Happy Meal. Following that was a trip to the Cinema to watch a film and get popcorn and juice. When she got home she collapsed on the couch exhausted. Chuffed with his good work, he leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size you thick word removed!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 A vicar is visiting an old lady who has just moved into his parish. He discovers that she has a parrot with blue ribbons tied to both of his legs. "And what are the ribbons for?" asks the vicar. "Well," says the old lady, "if I pull the left ribbon he sings 'Abide With Me'. If I pull the right ribbon he sings 'All Things Bright And Beautiful'." "Remarkable!" says the vicar, naturally impressed by the religious bird. He continues, "What happens if you pull both ribbons at the same time?" The parrot butts in, "I fall off the **** perch" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jondaken Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 This is the kind of smarts it takes to manage a top Scottish side. Being an Old Firm manager is unique. There is only two of us -Gordon Strachan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "**** kids!", and it played Michael Jackson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjw63 Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Michael Jackson has been accused of forcing a child to make a video absolving him. Social workers called it depraved. Lawyers called it suspicious. Catholic priests called it a good idea and asked themselves why they never thought of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wol. Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 Q. Whats has smoking a cigarette and giving oral sex have in common ? A. The taste get stronger the closer you get to the butt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingerlad Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 The Camerons were having sunday lunch last week when David remarked to his wife "somethings missing here", His missus replied "yes, its the cabbage". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevMur Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 This was mailed to me a while back, it should probably come with some kind of health warning. Author is probably Andrei Arshavin THE HAIR DOWN THERE I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laursen1977 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 The Camerons were having sunday lunch last week when David remarked to his wife "somethings missing here", His missus replied "yes, its the cabbage". That's the funniest joke on here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brumerican Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 The Camerons were having sunday lunch last week when David remarked to his wife "somethings missing here", His missus replied "yes, its the cabbage". That's the funniest joke on here. **** hilarious , but now I just feel so wrong! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 The Camerons were having sunday lunch last week when David remarked to his wife "somethings missing here", His missus replied "yes, its the cabbage". That's the funniest joke on here. so wrong, yet so right! it's a distasteful classcic IMO, and i just couldn't help bursting out laughing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laursen1977 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I've just seen the news that I've been waiting for, the 'Josef Fritzl Incest Trial' starts today. I don't know about you, but I know I'll be signing up and giving it a go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PompeyVillan Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 The Camerons were having sunday lunch last week when David remarked to his wife "somethings missing here", His missus replied "yes, its the cabbage". That's the funniest joke on here. **** hilarious , but now I just feel so wrong! Its oh so wrong wrong. But after reading the main forum this daft joke has made me laugh. Thats a good thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PompeyVillan Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 edit-double post Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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