bob Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 A hideously ugly woman goes into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?" "No," replied the woman "do they look alike?" "No, I just can't believe you've been **** twice!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victie1 Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 A hideously ugly woman goes into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?" "No," replied the woman "do they look alike?" "No, I just can't believe you've been **** twice!" JOKE OF THE YEAR 2006!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RantinRob Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 Jack & Jill are playing hide n seek. Jill says to Jack 'If you find me, I'll let you mess with my pussy, and **** me in the ass' Jill carries on 'If you can't find me - I'll be in the shed' Mwahahaha, I like this one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted February 27, 2006 Share Posted February 27, 2006 some quickies Q whats got 4 arms and licks ants ? A 2 uncles ( think about it ) Q whats got 120 teeth and guards a monster ? A my zip kid watching animal documentary about dragonfly. He says to his dad " look at this dad, a daddy longlegs on top of a mommy longlegs " his dad looks puzzeled and says " there's no such thing as mommy longlegs !!'.. the kid replies " uurggh....the dirty bastards " doctor walking round a mental ward when he sees a patient sitting upright pretending to drive a car.. " what are you doing " he asks the patient " i'm driving my ferrari enzo " he replies...the doctor smiles " but you have no car "...the bloke in the next bed says " **** off you, i get a fiver a week for washing that !" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Designer1 Posted February 28, 2006 VT Supporter Share Posted February 28, 2006 Why are pirates called pirates? They just aaaarrrrrrrhhh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted February 28, 2006 Share Posted February 28, 2006 how do you sell a pig to a midget? simple, bend down and say "alright mate, do you want to buy a pig?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LancsVillan Posted March 1, 2006 Moderator Share Posted March 1, 2006 A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see Her that the baby is black." "Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions But I Must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy." "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes." "Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and present her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisVillan Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan1985 Posted March 1, 2006 Share Posted March 1, 2006 My ex-girlfriend had a tattoo of a shell on her inside thigh, You used to be able to put your ear next to it and smell the sea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kingphil Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 A blonde girl had just purchased a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut up a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tyres. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jimzk5 Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 this is a classic, donkey has a stutter....... archy and his mate who he nicnamed donkey go into a pub, they stand at the bar.... archy-"right then donkey, what do you want" donkey- "a p-p-p-pint of b-b-b-b-bitter" so they get there drinks, go over to a table, archy finishes his pint, stands up and tells donkey hes going to the toilet, and donkey is to get the next round in. donkey gets to the bar, says to the barman "2 p-p-p-pints of b-b-b-bitter p-please" the barman looks at him and says, "you know, i think its a discrace your friend keeps calling you donkey" donkey looks back at the barman and says "he-or - he-or - he-or he allways calls me that" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncandares Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 A bear, a lion and a chicken meet. Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me." Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet wets itself." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villafan306 Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners She places a garment on the counter "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress "she says "Come again " says the clerk, cupping his ear "No" she replies This time it's mayonnaise " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Zen Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 Found this on the internet today, made me laugh anyway: +15°C / 59°F This is as warm as it gets in Norway, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Norwegians are out in the sun, getting a tan. +10°C / 50°F The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Norwegians plant flowers in their gardens. +5°C / 41°F Italian cars won't start. The Norwegians are cruising in cabriolets. 0°C / 32°F Distilled water freezes. The water in Oslo Fjord gets a little thicker. -5°C / 23°F People in California almost freeze to death. The Norwegians have their final barbeque before winter. -10°C / 14°F The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Norwegians start using long sleeves. -20°C / -4°F The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Norwegians end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here. -30°C / -22°F People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth. The Norwegians start drying their laundry indoors. -40°C / -40°F Paris start cracking in the cold. The Norwegians stand in line at the hotdog stands. -50°C / -58°F Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Norwegian army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather. -70°C / -94°F The false Santa moves south. The Norwegian army goes out on winter survival training. -183°C / -297.4°F Microbes in food don't survive. The Norwegian cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold. -273°C / -459.4°F ALL atom-based movent halts. The Norwegians start saying "[mind your language], it's cold outside today." -300°C / -508°F Hell freezes over. Norway wins the Eurovision Song Contest. True story Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pelle Posted March 3, 2006 Share Posted March 3, 2006 That one was great. Think norwegians could be switched for northeners from Sweden too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duncandares Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 After our last child was born, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer. I wasn't a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included £45 for makeup. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you darling, so I can look pretty for you." I told her to feck off, that's what the beer was for! --------------------- Answer phone message: " ... and if you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key ..." ---------------------- A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. At the door, the hostess asks "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "A what?" asks the woman. The man explains: "I've just come in my pants." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted March 6, 2006 Share Posted March 6, 2006 A man goes to the doctor and shows him his penis. The doctor looks at it and sees it's full of holes. The man says " it's terrible, when i piss it's like a watering can and goes everywhere " the doctor says " i think you ought to go and see Mr Croft ' " is he a specialist cock doctor ?" asks the man " no" says the doctor " he's a clarinet player, he''ll show you how to hold it " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
villahero Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 2 I.T guys were chatting in a pub after work, " guess what mate " says the first I.T guy " yesterday i met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar" " what did you do " asks the other I.T guy " well, i invited her over to mine, we had a couple of drinks got in the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off " " you're kidding me ? " says the other I.T guy " i took her miniskirt off, then lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop " " REALLY ?".....says the second I.T guy....."you got a new laptop ? " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheriffvilla Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50. At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch. The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a full George Best breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five quid for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you." "I asked him what to give you." He said, "F#ck him. Give him a fiver." She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sheriffvilla Posted March 7, 2006 Share Posted March 7, 2006 An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!" Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle." Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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