Mandy Lifeboats

A finite number that nears infinity or 1 or any number. Near infinity - A straw is made of atoms. Atoms are a nucleus surrounded by a cloud of electrons. Each gap in that cloud can be interpreted as a hole. It is impossible to count them. 1 - But two connected holes become a single hole. Any number - But you cannot guarantee that every hole is connected to every other hole at any moment in time. It's feasible that every number could exist at any moment in time. I need to get out more.

How old is the Queen? We might be getting the day off anyway.

FFS - Throw a sickie. I've already started to lay the groundwork. Today I casually mentioned that the warm weather is giving me headaches. Tomorrow I'll have lost my appetite. Thursday will see me experience a crushing pain in the chest and numb left arm. Friday is scheduled to see a sudden fear of water and slight frothing at the mouth. Saturday I shall email my boss asking if I should walk into the light. Trust me.......it's foolproof.

I have identified 3 Blues Fans that work for my organisation. For the past few years I have downloaded the Villa fixtures into their calendars so they get a cheery reminder the day before. This year I've gone DEFCON 1 and downloaded a motivational message to appear on various days. My personal highlights are》 17 December. You can count the days until Xmas on one hand. 24 December. Get down the Poundshop early. The best presents will not be there for ever. 31st September. (To appear on 1st October). I told you that BCFC calendar wasn't right. 21st June. Your hours of darkness curfew is at its least effective. 5th November. Keep moving or risk being thrown on the fire. 1 Jan. Bon Marche sale begins today.

It's too hot for anything like that.

A vampire can only enter a house if invited. So don't. If you leave the cellar door open it allows cold air to circulate. But that does allow the children to escape and contact the authorities.

Probably the best tip I've ever been given. If it's hot and you live in a house, leave your loft hatch open. Hot air rises and it definitely reduces the heat of bedrooms by a few degrees. Try it. It works.

I just about remember the summer of 76. Our school field had the canal running along one side. There was about 3 feet of grass on that side. The rest was scorched grass or dirt. I spent most of the summer in a plastic paddling pool in the back garden. Those weren't the days of pool chemicals and cleanliness. My first task every day was to remove the grass cuttings, dead insects, dead hedgehogs and frogs that had found their way into the pool overnight. I suppose a cover might have helped, but this was the 70s and germs never hurt anyone. Of course there was a hosepipe ban and the only way to fill up the pool legally was dozens of trips using a watering can. The can had probably been used to deliver weed killer to the garden and liquid fertiliser......but who cares about a few chemicals. It hasn't had a lasting effect on me. Spoons didn't talk as much as they did in the 80s and the voices in my head weren't as violent as they are now.

An American wakes up in hospital. Doctor 》You were involved in a terrible car crash 3 months ago. You suffered major injuries but everything has healed apart from one thing. We had to amputate your penis. But don't worry. There is $12,000 left from your insurance pay out. We can make you a new penis but it will cost $1000 per inch. Anything you don't spend you can keep. Talk it over with your wife and let me know what size you want. The following day........... Doctor 》 Have you chatted with your wife? Patient 》Yes Doctor 》What are you having? Patient 》A fitted kitchen with granite worktops.

Thanks for the info Mr Collim...........(this post has been terminated by the Villa Talk automatic liable detector)

1. No we are not. There are tough times ahead but it's only a matter of time until we bounce back. 2. Villa has a brand and a history. That's worth something. 3. Football is one of the few businesses where you can operate badly, produce a poor product but still get people buying your product out of pure loyalty. 4. We have a fan base that is larger than 95% of English clubs. We may go into lower leagues but we will eventually find a level where even our worst levels of support are far superior to our competitors. 5. There's always FC Villa of Aston to fall back on. 6. What we are facing now is no worse than what Wolves, Brighton and Rangers faced in fairly recent history. 7. Disasters sell papers. The Media aren't going to give us a fair and reasonable picture. They are going to portray the worst possible scenario. The Millenium bug didn't cause us to go back to the Stone Age; no-one caught aids from swimming in Freddie Mercury's local baths; the UK banking system didn't collapse; that idiot TV reality star Trump suffered a humiliating defeat in the presidential election.* * OK. .........I accept there are exceptions.

Wow......even earlier than I jokingly predicted.

Bob Dylan - Hey Mr Tambourine man play a song for me. How many songs have ever been played on the Tambourine?

Springsteen - Can't start a fire without a spark. There are numerous ways.

Busted - "I've been to the year 3000. Not much has changed but they live underwater. But your great great great grand-daughter looks mighty fine." With a generation being approximately 25-30 years apart this could not account for a period of 1000 years without significant changes to life expectancy.

Abba- My my, at Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender. No....he lost but definitely didn't surrender.

I'll start you off with a few examples. Band Aid - "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time." There's are several mountains in Africa that are snow capped in December. Such as....... Toto - "Kilimanjaro rising like Mount Olympus above the Serengeti." Not unless it's moved. Julie Andrews - "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down". Dangerous advice to diabetics. Oasis - "Slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball." Cannonballs are rarely noted for their slow velocity. Does anyone want to offer any more?

Why is a girl from Wolverhampton like a Las Vegas hooker? They will both have sex for a pile of chips.

Falling down stairs and fracturing my skull. Luckily there was no lasting damage. The goblin that lives in my head used his magic to make me better. Spoons.

My great-niece is staying with us at the moment because her dad is a complete tw@t. .......but that's irrelevant. It's become apparent that she has been conducting secret experiments. On Saturday she lost a milk tooth and didn't tell anyone. She put it under her pillow and the Tooth Fairy has been conspicuous by her absence. She told me about the tooth yesterday and suddenly the Tooth Fairy is dishing out money. She confronted me today with the results of her experiment and made a well reasoned conclusion that I put the money under her pillow and not the Tooth Fairy. This leads me to conclude 3 things. 1. She is destined for a career in science. 2. Kids are easy to fool. She now believes my version of events. The Tooth Fairy will never collect a tooth until the appropriate parent or guardian is aware of the tooth loss. 3. She might be doing other experiments on me that I am yet to discover. Does Uncle Mandy wake up when you drop ludo counters into his mouth? Can adults tell if you put Plasticine in their curry?

Will everyone wear orange at Dale Winton's funeral?

Barbara Bush - 92

GOAT? Probably. I saw him ride many times. He was one of those riders who could win without looking like he was trying. A true professional.

Eric Bristow throwing the darts. Stephen Hawking answering the questions Jim Bowen telling them that their prizes are safe.

Tell us more.